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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My wife of four months cheated on md

121 replies

gerryraffles23 · 13/02/2017 21:57

Please excuse me for posting here. I must admit I am not a woman but I don't know where to turn or who to trust.

I have been with my wife for 3 years now and many more off and on up to 7. In 2016, we headed for the altar and got married in front of our friends and families. I thought it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

My wife moved to Paris for four months soon after as part of her professional development doing research in a lab for her Pharmaceutical career. I never had a problem with this; in fact, I drove her there and gave her my American Express so she wouldn't struggle. I was 100% behind her doing something for herself.

The four months weren't easy but finally she was due to return this weekend gone. Upon her return, I have found out that she was seeing someone and having sex with him. She lied about this on a number of occasions and I had to continue to dig and unearth evidence that she couldn't deny. It's less the sex (although not negligible, obviously) but the deceit involved. I have struggled to come to terms with the disrespect for me and our lives, the lies, the remorselessness (until she was caught, obviously). I found out initially from reading a text she had sent to her friends saying 'I had sex with someone last night but don't feel bad.'

Frankly, it turned my world upside down. Gone is my surefooting in life and I don't know to whom or to what I can turn. I am fairly certain that there has been some irreparable damage insofar as the trust is concerned and am not sure things can ever be the same.

Having said that, we are young (I am 25) and we share a flat in London that neither of us can afford to move out of. I have always had a base instinct to be kind to my wife so I don't have a problem with her staying.

She says she wants to fight for us and live together and try and figure things out but I am concerned that she is taking my nature and using it against me; manioulating me into staying with her.

I am 100% sure her tears, declarations and protestations are all a consequence of being caught and nothing else.

At this point, I am too confused. I don't know what to do and while I want to walk, I don't know that I am strong enough to and need to stop worrying about her and start worrying about me.

We are also Muslim and this is a great shame in our culture for something to come to light such as this and the effect it will have on her life (and, subsequently, mine) is substantial. The easy thing is to stay but I can't trust her. I'm not convinced that what is easy is necessarily right, anymore.

If anyone has any advice or has been through something similar and wouldn't mind sharing, I would be very interested to hear your take/advice.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Ariya · 13/02/2017 22:20

So sorry to hear what you are going through!

I've no advice as such just to say that it will be hard for you to stay with her after what she has done.

Was she having sex regularly with this guy? Is she still in contact with him? Do you feel you will be able to trust her if she has to go away again?

Once again, so sorry to hear this, be kind to yourself. You have to think of yourself now as she certainly only thought of herself.

TheNaze73 · 13/02/2017 22:22

End it immediately

blowmybarnacles · 13/02/2017 22:24

LTB.

You are young and can meet somebody who loves you enough not to chat on you after 4 months of marriage and then boast about it to her friends.

Could you see a solicitor and get some advice?

Amandahugandkisses · 13/02/2017 22:25

Poor you. I'm really sorry.
Do you want to give her another chance in your heart?

muhajaba · 13/02/2017 22:25

The quicker you get divorced the quicker you'll be over her, sorry if that sounds harsh but if someone's cheating so early in a marriage I don't see that it's worth saving. You sound like a good guy, you deserve much more than this.

Framboise18 · 13/02/2017 22:25

End it ! Not worth your time and energy.

AnyFucker · 13/02/2017 22:26

Woah. Dump the cheat.

RoundTheBend · 13/02/2017 22:26

Was your marriage an arranged one?

GloriaGaynor · 13/02/2017 22:35

You're young, just end it and find someone who loves and respects you.

No-one has to know why you divorced.

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 13/02/2017 22:35

Our marriage wasn't arranged. We were together wilfully for years and were fortunate enough to end up with each other. Or so I had thought.

She was having regular sex with this guy. In messages I saw he called her 'my girl' and I saw her asking him to come on nights out with her.

I am sure she is remorseful now. She has cried and begged and swore that this guy was nothing and she lost sight of us and it will never happen again. The problem for me is thaf she showed no emotion burdening her before I found out.

Divorcing won't be so hard practically speaking; we have no assets, children or shared property. I want to be kind to her but more than anything I feel like I need to be kind to myself. I'm not sure what's real and isn't anymore but I'm scared of being divorced ar 25 (silly, I know) and also not ever finding with someone what (I thought) we had together.

OP posts:

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 13/02/2017 22:37

Yes, I want to give her a chance deep down. But I suspect I am being weak and I have no appetite to find myself here in five, ten or fifteen years when children may be involved. She says this would never happen again but I never thought this was even possible once.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/02/2017 22:43

After a marriage of 4 months ?

Shagging another man in the honeymoon period bodes even less well.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 13/02/2017 22:43

you need to end it. Sorry you are going through this. You deserve more and if she has cheated now when you are essentially both care free with no stresses of family life and whilst still in the so called 'honeymoon period'. It will happen again.

HappyJanuary · 13/02/2017 22:44

If she's cheating at this early stage of married life, I suspect she'll do it again at some point. It seems like all she'll need is the opportunity. And even if she doesn't, you'll be suspicious every time she's away overnight.

It's no way to live. Split now while you're young and have no ties. Better now than in five or ten years when you've got children and joint debts. The shame is all her's.

muhajaba · 13/02/2017 22:45

You aren't being unkind to her and you're right, you need to take care of yourself. You haven't done a thing wrong. You're not being silly, nobody wants to have to divorce but sometimes it's for the best. There are millions of women out there who don't cheat and you're still very young, you don't need to worry about meeting anyone else at the moment. Just look after yourself and take one day at a time.

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 13/02/2017 22:48

Thanks for your responses and kind words.

I should venture that I'm not perfect. While something like this is not within my capabilities, I haven't always been perfect to her. Having said that, she is the love of my life and I tried to show her that everyday.

OP posts:

RoundTheBend · 13/02/2017 22:51

Oh Gerry, you do need to be kind to yourself. 25 is no age even though it may seem a lifetime to you.

The thing with someone being unfaithful is that you may (after a period) forgive but you never, ever forget.

Been there, done that, worn the t shirt.

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 13/02/2017 22:53

Round The Bend - cheers. Were you able to work things out, ever?

OP posts:

dangerrabbit · 13/02/2017 22:54

for you. LTB.

Jenniferb21 · 13/02/2017 23:00

Sorry she has treated you this way. I would personally not want to spend my life with someone who doesn't love me as much as I love them or someone I cannot trust.

Had it of been once, a mistake, and she admitted to it then giving her another chance is reasaonable but given that this was a regular occurance there was clear intent and there was only temptation as she wasn't with you. She sounds selfish and disrespectful.

I understand about your culture however, do you want to live your life with someone who doesn't treat you well? Do you not want more for yourself? Marriage is about love commitment and honesty, this is what you marry for, none of what she has give to you. I would feel embarrassed in the short time if I divorced (I'm married and married at 25) however I would much rather hold my head up high and confidently say I'd rather be divorced at 25 than be unhappy and sharing a life with someone I can't trust.

Please see that life is short and you should want more for yourself. You deserve so much more. I truly believe some people are so selfish in nature but I also believe that for someone to have an affair they must be unhappy too or why would they go elsewhere?

Good luck you're in my thoughts x

RoundTheBend · 13/02/2017 23:03

I was young, he was my first love. We were going to be together forever, rocking chairs already pictured in my mind. I found him in bed with someone else. He talked me round after about 6 weeks. I ended up marrying him, having two children and now, 25 years later, we are divorced, at my instigation.

My first love, maybe, I thought to myself, that no one else would want me or I would find anyone else again. I was 17.

I think the thing with love is, when someone lets you down on that level, it can never, ever be the same.

And, (and I have found this absolutely to be so perfectly true) as we get older, every 7/8 years we change, we grow up a little more. I grew more than him.

I spent our last few years hearing him lie, watching him cheat and con people and I ended up having no respect for him.

Your wife has cheated. You could forgive her but you will never now respect her when push comes to shove. She is going to be the mother of your children, she will be the one in the rocking chair with you in 50 years time. Can/do you want that now?

CatBean · 13/02/2017 23:05

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It is extremely worrying that she felt no emotional guilt. Is she from the same background as you?

You are still very young and there are plenty of women from your background who are looking for a decent man to spend their life with. So don't worry about not being able to find some one else.

Mius · 13/02/2017 23:08

I think the best thing to do is give yourself and her time to think this through first. She needs to move out and when you both ready you can all come up with a sensible solution - whether to continue this relationship do some counselling or end this and move on to your life.

QueenLaBeefah · 13/02/2017 23:08

You don't deserve to be treated like this. Just walk away and find someone who loves and respects you.

CatBean · 13/02/2017 23:11

On account of your religious background, you have more than sufficient grounds for a divorce, and it certaintly isn't something discouraged in your situation from a religious perspective (although your ethnic culture might say something different). In fact, in this situation, you might even be encouraged to divorce. Think long term when you make your decision, and try not to let your family persuade you to stay on in the marriage when you don't want to.

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