My wife of four months cheated on md

[gerryraffles23]

Hi

Please excuse me for posting here. I must admit I am not a woman but I don't know where to turn or who to trust.

I have been with my wife for 3 years now and many more off and on up to 7. In 2016, we headed for the altar and got married in front of our friends and families. I thought it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

My wife moved to Paris for four months soon after as part of her professional development doing research in a lab for her Pharmaceutical career. I never had a problem with this; in fact, I drove her there and gave her my American Express so she wouldn't struggle. I was 100% behind her doing something for herself.

The four months weren't easy but finally she was due to return this weekend gone. Upon her return, I have found out that she was seeing someone and having sex with him. She lied about this on a number of occasions and I had to continue to dig and unearth evidence that she couldn't deny. It's less the sex (although not negligible, obviously) but the deceit involved. I have struggled to come to terms with the disrespect for me and our lives, the lies, the remorselessness (until she was caught, obviously). I found out initially from reading a text she had sent to her friends saying 'I had sex with someone last night but don't feel bad.'

Frankly, it turned my world upside down. Gone is my surefooting in life and I don't know to whom or to what I can turn. I am fairly certain that there has been some irreparable damage insofar as the trust is concerned and am not sure things can ever be the same.

Having said that, we are young (I am 25) and we share a flat in London that neither of us can afford to move out of. I have always had a base instinct to be kind to my wife so I don't have a problem with her staying.

She says she wants to fight for us and live together and try and figure things out but I am concerned that she is taking my nature and using it against me; manioulating me into staying with her.

I am 100% sure her tears, declarations and protestations are all a consequence of being caught and nothing else.

At this point, I am too confused. I don't know what to do and while I want to walk, I don't know that I am strong enough to and need to stop worrying about her and start worrying about me.

We are also Muslim and this is a great shame in our culture for something to come to light such as this and the effect it will have on her life (and, subsequently, mine) is substantial. The easy thing is to stay but I can't trust her. I'm not convinced that what is easy is necessarily right, anymore.

If anyone has any advice or has been through something similar and wouldn't mind sharing, I would be very interested to hear your take/advice.

Thanks.

Thanks all for your advice re divorces etc. It's all appreciated. We've reached a stasis where we are unable to move forward. Minute to minute we are not arguing but there is a sense - for me - that I might be steeling myself to do the right thing for me in time.

Having said that, we are going to Relate for a preliminary session to see if they can help. I thought talk therapy was only for Jamie Theakston and Tony Soprano but there you go... Nod to anyone who got the reference here.

I still feel cheated, hurt and confused. Believe it or not, since I last posted I am staring down the barrel of redundancy and must start seeking work. It's nuts how you can lose so much in the space of a couple of weeks. I moved jobs to be with her in London while she finished her studies and I don't feel I have a grounding anymore and am starting to think about moving out, back to my home in Manchester and starting again. No matter what, I'm here until the end of June - either with my wife or without.

Eventually I will need to ask her for some space while I figure things out as her being here is clouding my judgment. I think as time passes I get more philosophical about everything but the ill feeing remains as strong as it was on day dot.

I'd be inclined to say run for the hills. You're 25, have your whole life ahead of you and no children to complicate things. She's ruined it.

Guys, there is another thread by wifey running at the same time as this one.

Don't feed them

I'm sorry you're going through this. But look on the bright side. You're still very young and you have no children. So often when people reach the stage you're at they have spent 10-20 years together and there are children who will be hurt.

You can just walk away, and I strongly recommend that you do so.

AnyFucker - much though I admire your chivalrous approach at protecting the forum's sanctity; chill out. We have posted separately and I don't have any visibility of her thread - nor do I want to.

Thanks, Prawn. No matter what, you're right. I'm still young, can do what I want with my life.

AnyFucker - much though I admire your chivalrous approach at protecting the forum's sanctity; chill out. We have posted separately and I don't have any visibility of her thread - nor do I want to.

Of course you do. It's on the same forum of which you are a member.

Piglet. I've been a member since the day of my first post. I don't know how to look for her thread using the app I use and even if I did, I wouldn't. I told her I had had some really sound advice from the community and if she chose to seek advice of her own then that is her prerogative.

I don't wish to argue or debate with anyone on this. If you think I'm trolling, that's fine. Please be assured, however, that I don't have the time and please don't dissuade others from contributing. I have found people's wisdom here a great help. I have never used a forum before in my life and am working out what things like DH mean contextually - I didn't expect people to be so defensive over both us having posted. Clearly I have some forum etiquette to learn

I am with AF , it's nothing to do with forum etiquette , IF you and your partner are for real why don't you both sit down and talk to each other instead of individualy taking advise from strangers on forums ....really weird ...

Bob. I agree it would be weird to not have spoken together. I have alluded to that earlier when I suggested her presence is perhaps a manipulative influence on me. But we have spoken. I'm tired of rehashing the same shit over and over and over. I'm young enough to not know anyone this happened to and sought advice for me. I'm not sure I see what I did that was weird

Totally agree with AF, sometimes a poster isn't who they appear to be, but a 'couple ' posting about the same problem? Ahhhemmm i cry b.s and don't believe either thread.

Ps op, your 'wife' has booked you both a Relate appointment (you not reading her thread probs means this is as big a surprise as her shagging in Paris)

Montane - if you look at my first post on this thread today, you will see that I said that we are going to Relate this week.

My bad x

She probably does have lots of good qualities. But it sounds to me as if she married too young and needs to find herself and have a few relationships first before age can settle down and it's unlikely to be you that she will settle with.

Do not bring children into this drama. She has broken your trust in an unforgivable way, there really is no coming back from this or fixing it and Allah knows best.

My sincere naseehah? Divorce her. Yes I'm Muslim, I converted in my teens.

Stay on your own for a while. And she needs to be on her own too to give her a chance to grow up.

It doesn't sound to me as if she is truly in love with you although she probably cares about you a great deal and both of you deserve that love and passion.

Also considering the culture, some young women have been brought up very strictly and want a man to actively show jealousy and possessiveness, being British but Muslim myself I never understood this but I have come across it a lot with many young Asian women who I became friends with back in the day.

I can remember them being jealous of my violent and abusive ex because he made a big deal of his jealousy over me and stalking behaviour and the like. All very odd, but I suppose understandable in a way with inexperienced young women used to playing a particular role.

Yeah, I think your marriage is already over I'm afraid.

If you're both genuinely posting I don't understand why you wouldn't want to sit down and compare threads. Surely that would help both of you understand a) the other viewpoint and b) advice given to your partner.
Otherwise it's just weird and unbelievable.

She not age

Smile - I would. But she says her responses are overwhelmingly negative and tell her to leave me be. Mine have been really supportive and have, largely, told me to leave. They have been comforting and helped me think about what my options are but I'm not sure there's much to discuss with my wife insofar as the advice I've received is concerned

Titanias, jzk for your wisdom. I venture this to her occasionally and she denies, denies, denies. I literally just asked her why she did what she did in one sentence and she came back with a helpless 'I dunno.' She's not giving me anything and I think you're right that my marriage is over

Well I won't be reading her post or commenting, I read yours first so I'm here to support you. You sound like a lovely smart guy, I'm sure she is a nice girl in other ways too. But you can find love again and so can she because you are both so young. God bless, remember the istikhara prayer too.

Titanias - I have considered istikhara but need to educate myself on how to do it correctly before trying it. Thank you for your support and advice. She is not a bad girl, my wife. She has many good qualities and always makes sure I'm happy and healthy.

I always had a difficult relationship with my mother and I would tell my wife that - with her - I found a connection with a woman that made me feel safe and secure and happy.

That illusion is somewhat shattered now, you can imagine.

Oh this must be awful for you. I'm sorry.

As to istikhara, all you need to do really is make your decision and then pray two rakats and then read the prayer in Arabic, putting in the question where the spaces are. If you are looking for advice on the prayer I would stick to Qur'an and sunnah sites and probably go for the salafi version. I'm not a salafi but when it comes to the traditional prayers their explanations seem to be simpler and not filled with lots of cultural and airy fairy crap, like oh if you dream of xy and z that means this, or say this one word a million and one ways etc. Fortress of a Muslim is a very good book.

For non Muslims istikhara is our decision prayer for big decisions. We consult with others, get good advice, then try to make a decision, then its usual but bit always necessary to pray two rakats- that two lots of the standing bowing and prostrations we do, then you pray to God basically roughly translated in English as,

dear god if this thing ie leaving my wife, is a good thing for me in this world and in the next then bless me in it and make it easy for me and if its a bad thing for me in this world and the next, then prevent me from it and decree for me what is best for me and make me content with it, aameen.

So there you go! You learn a new thing on mumsnet everyday! (Whether you want to or not)

You have had some good advice too on here. I hope youvare alright. This can't be easy for you. Or her.

I just also hope that at the moment you are using contraception too?

And I'm sorry if I'm pushing religion down your throat if you aren't ready for that.

This bloke is a wind up. His "DW" is also seeking advice on her own thread. I have reported both threads and will not be wasting any more of my time on them.