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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My wife of four months cheated on md

121 replies

gerryraffles23 · 13/02/2017 21:57

Please excuse me for posting here. I must admit I am not a woman but I don't know where to turn or who to trust.

I have been with my wife for 3 years now and many more off and on up to 7. In 2016, we headed for the altar and got married in front of our friends and families. I thought it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

My wife moved to Paris for four months soon after as part of her professional development doing research in a lab for her Pharmaceutical career. I never had a problem with this; in fact, I drove her there and gave her my American Express so she wouldn't struggle. I was 100% behind her doing something for herself.

The four months weren't easy but finally she was due to return this weekend gone. Upon her return, I have found out that she was seeing someone and having sex with him. She lied about this on a number of occasions and I had to continue to dig and unearth evidence that she couldn't deny. It's less the sex (although not negligible, obviously) but the deceit involved. I have struggled to come to terms with the disrespect for me and our lives, the lies, the remorselessness (until she was caught, obviously). I found out initially from reading a text she had sent to her friends saying 'I had sex with someone last night but don't feel bad.'

Frankly, it turned my world upside down. Gone is my surefooting in life and I don't know to whom or to what I can turn. I am fairly certain that there has been some irreparable damage insofar as the trust is concerned and am not sure things can ever be the same.

Having said that, we are young (I am 25) and we share a flat in London that neither of us can afford to move out of. I have always had a base instinct to be kind to my wife so I don't have a problem with her staying.

She says she wants to fight for us and live together and try and figure things out but I am concerned that she is taking my nature and using it against me; manioulating me into staying with her.

I am 100% sure her tears, declarations and protestations are all a consequence of being caught and nothing else.

At this point, I am too confused. I don't know what to do and while I want to walk, I don't know that I am strong enough to and need to stop worrying about her and start worrying about me.

We are also Muslim and this is a great shame in our culture for something to come to light such as this and the effect it will have on her life (and, subsequently, mine) is substantial. The easy thing is to stay but I can't trust her. I'm not convinced that what is easy is necessarily right, anymore.

If anyone has any advice or has been through something similar and wouldn't mind sharing, I would be very interested to hear your take/advice.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 20/02/2017 21:32

Hi Titanias.

Thank you for your explanation. I appreciate your advice and will see how it goes.

Sex is hard as never far away but there is a 'f*ck it' mentality that neither of us had before where we are no longer using any contraception whatsoever.

I don't know why. I can't figure it out. I can't have a child with this woman right now clearly for a number of reasons. I feel there is something self destructive about my behaviour here and perhaps something trapping in hers.

OP posts:

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 20/02/2017 21:35

Prawn. I don't know what to tell you

OP posts:

ThomasinaShelby · 20/02/2017 21:56

So basically, after you found out she cheated on you, you're having unprotected sex with her with wild abandon?

SmileEachDay · 20/02/2017 21:57

Oh come ON.

You just overegged it with the no contraception.

Underthemoonlight · 20/02/2017 22:10

Op why are you now posting as your "wife"

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 20/02/2017 22:10

No. But it has happened on a few occasions. I am not sure what I would gain spending so much time doing this if I wouldn't give you the full story re contraception. I'm not saying I'm a candidate for Brains of the Year '17

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 20/02/2017 22:11

I have also reported both threads why do people waste others times and advice

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 20/02/2017 22:14

I haven't posted on anyone's in my life. I live in Gerry Raffles Sq in Stratford hence my name but this is no good. Retiring. Thanks all for your help prior to moderator happy backlash. I appreciate your wish to protect the integrity of MH etc but you sharpened the pitchforks on me pretty quickly. Anyway, I wish good things upon you all. Good night

OP posts:

SmileEachDay · 20/02/2017 22:18

Youwillnotseeme · 21/02/2017 09:52

Can someone PM me the other thread as I'm bored?
OP you lost me with the whole we're having wild sex with no contraception. Get yourself to the STD clinic

skinnyamericano · 21/02/2017 10:02

Don't be scared of divorcing at 25 - far easier now than at 40 with 3 kids and a mortgage.

I'm so sorry for you, but you're too good for her. Don't waste anymore precious time and love on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Montane50 · 21/02/2017 10:38

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2857945-i-cheated-on-my-husband-of-6-months-but-i-want-to-fix-our-marriage-desperately

TitaniasCloset · 21/02/2017 20:03

Yep, i suspected you weren't using contraception which is why I asked. You must must must sort that out. Don't just think what's the point I'm not having sex with her now anyway, its highly likely as your relationship is ending that you both will end up in bed together. To have a pregnancy now would be so wrong. Hope you get it all sorted.

CatBean · 21/02/2017 23:41

OP, if you are looking for longer term counselling, I know of a good NHS marriage counsellor round your end, who is sensetive to your culture too. Send me a direct message and I'll send you her details

tac96 · 20/03/2017 03:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TrueBlueDem · 20/03/2017 04:44

Run for the hills, my friend! She is NOT worth your time and doesn't deserve you! If you take her back she will not respect you and will continue to cheat...esp the fact that she said she "does not feel bad." Wow. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you...there are so many women who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Esp since you do not have any children yet that will make it much easier to cut ties. Find someone more worthy!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 20/03/2017 05:17

You must use contraception. Bringing a baby into this mess would be incredibly selfish! As for the actual mess itself... if you cannot forgive her then your marriage will turn into hell for you, and you will change into a bitter, nasty man. I think you need to protect yourself and your own good nature. Leave and then you are both free to find your own futures. And you can find someone who loves your good nature... which is an awful lot better future than losing it and turning yourself into a bitter and jealous man.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 20/03/2017 05:34

Oh drat I misread the dates as all in March not Feb.

Annoyingly I've helped enliven a thread where 'tac96' (the 'wife' from the other thread) posted in the early hours a completely incomprehensible (drunk) post.

Sorry all!

Toobloodytired · 20/03/2017 05:39

I used to think people leaving someone if they cheated was pretty harsh without giving 1 more chance.

Now I think that is all absolute shite & wonder how I ever believed that crap.

If you genuinely love someone then cheating/leaving them is the last thing you'd ever think of doing.

She didn't lose sight, she ended the relationship when she let a guy have sex with her.

I personally couldn't go near someone after cheating on me, why would I?? It's degrading, to let someone treat you like that & then go back & share that intimacy knowing someone else was there.

Sorry this has happened but please understand, you are 25, no kids, no assets, divorce isn't what it used to be.

Sparklingbrook · 20/03/2017 05:44

Friolero · 20/03/2017 06:03

Does this incoherent rant from tac mean he's followed advice from here and left her?

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