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Relationships

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Original poster

My wife of four months cheated on md

121 replies

gerryraffles23 · 13/02/2017 21:57

Please excuse me for posting here. I must admit I am not a woman but I don't know where to turn or who to trust.

I have been with my wife for 3 years now and many more off and on up to 7. In 2016, we headed for the altar and got married in front of our friends and families. I thought it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

My wife moved to Paris for four months soon after as part of her professional development doing research in a lab for her Pharmaceutical career. I never had a problem with this; in fact, I drove her there and gave her my American Express so she wouldn't struggle. I was 100% behind her doing something for herself.

The four months weren't easy but finally she was due to return this weekend gone. Upon her return, I have found out that she was seeing someone and having sex with him. She lied about this on a number of occasions and I had to continue to dig and unearth evidence that she couldn't deny. It's less the sex (although not negligible, obviously) but the deceit involved. I have struggled to come to terms with the disrespect for me and our lives, the lies, the remorselessness (until she was caught, obviously). I found out initially from reading a text she had sent to her friends saying 'I had sex with someone last night but don't feel bad.'

Frankly, it turned my world upside down. Gone is my surefooting in life and I don't know to whom or to what I can turn. I am fairly certain that there has been some irreparable damage insofar as the trust is concerned and am not sure things can ever be the same.

Having said that, we are young (I am 25) and we share a flat in London that neither of us can afford to move out of. I have always had a base instinct to be kind to my wife so I don't have a problem with her staying.

She says she wants to fight for us and live together and try and figure things out but I am concerned that she is taking my nature and using it against me; manioulating me into staying with her.

I am 100% sure her tears, declarations and protestations are all a consequence of being caught and nothing else.

At this point, I am too confused. I don't know what to do and while I want to walk, I don't know that I am strong enough to and need to stop worrying about her and start worrying about me.

We are also Muslim and this is a great shame in our culture for something to come to light such as this and the effect it will have on her life (and, subsequently, mine) is substantial. The easy thing is to stay but I can't trust her. I'm not convinced that what is easy is necessarily right, anymore.

If anyone has any advice or has been through something similar and wouldn't mind sharing, I would be very interested to hear your take/advice.

Thanks.

OP posts:

mellowfartfulness · 13/02/2017 23:11

How is it possible to 'lose sight of us' as a newlywed?? I'm sorry, OP. I think she cheated purely because she had the opportunity and met someone she liked. If the same circumstances arose again, she'd cheat again. This isn't someone bored or disillusioned after years of marriage. This is someone who's just not all that bothered about doing the right thing. You say your relationship was on/off for a number of years - does she think of you as the one she always gets to come back to in between going off and doing her own thing? The 'I don't feel bad' text suggests so. :(

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 13/02/2017 23:13

Yes, we are both 2nd Gen British Muslims.

I am less concerned about finding someone in the sense of bums on seats. More that, perhaps naively, I wonder whether I'll ever have what me and my wife had. I know now that what we had isn't what I had thought, but still - at the time, it felt special.

The emotional void is a big red flag. I feel like I am only delaying the inevitable by not calling it a day right now but I'm keen to not rush into any decisions.

OP posts:

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 13/02/2017 23:15

In our relationship, I have always championed her. She was always on a pedestal in my eyes and she knew that. Perhaps she felt like she had more leeway to act out because of this.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 13/02/2017 23:16

Even if she never cheats again, the fact that she's cheated during the first 4 months if your marriage means that she doesn't love or respect you. What's the point of continuing the relationship when you're both so young and have no kids etc?

MsGameandWatch · 13/02/2017 23:18

You sound lovely, decent and kind. Please dump her and find a woman who deserves you and will be faithful and kind to you. There's loads of them out there. For me, what you describe would be unforgivable.

MuvaWifey77 · 13/02/2017 23:31

In my opinion if you make a foundation for your future together based on now it will all fall down. If you love her enough to want to try it , do it so with ALL your heart. If you think it's always going to be in the back of your head that she might cheat, end it ALL. WHATEVER YOU DO. STAY OR GO, DONT LOOK BACK. don't bring the past and the way you feel now into future discussions with her. If you leave, make sure you heal before you meet someone new. Most importantly , don't feel this is your fault, do what your heart says , Inshaa Allah, He will look after you, He always does.

GardenGeek · 13/02/2017 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouWillNotSeeMe · 13/02/2017 23:42

Sorry but this wasn't a one off drunken mistake as she was lonely, she had a full blown affair, regular sex and night out she had another boyfriend. Only being married 4 months she doesn't love you or want to be in the marriage. She isn't only saving face now as she doesn't want to tell her family that she has cheated so much.

For your own sake, I think you need to get a divorce.
LTBitch

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 13/02/2017 23:48

I have told both our families what has happened. They are both aware and her family want us to reconcile whereas I suspect my family want me to leave. They haven't intimated this to me, however, as I believe they want me to make my own decision.

I want to believe her when she says this isn't her but there was too great a break of trust and what she says holds little weight with me at the moment.

OP posts:

CatBean · 13/02/2017 23:51

If you are unsure, I'd recommend you go for some form of counselling. This will help you heal with the pain, and also realise what you want to do.

YouWillNotSeeMe · 13/02/2017 23:53

Sadly her family will want you to reconcile, and even for her to remain married if she no longer wants to be (it is clear that she doesn't respect you and I'm very sorry for that) because they want to limit the damage to hers and their families reputation.
But you are young, and to have an affair like that 4 months in means the marriage isn't working for whatever was her initial reason.

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 13/02/2017 23:55

I think counselling is worth considering. But I'm not sure I can find it in me to forgive no matter the circumstance and, whilst I want to take time over my decision, I also don't want to string her along or drag out a painful break up.

Thanks everyone for your input so far.

OP posts:

muhajaba · 13/02/2017 23:56

Her family will be worried about what people will think of her if you split. I can imagine they will be embarrassed by it too. It's not your fault or your problem, please put yourself first.

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 14/02/2017 00:08

Muhajaba - I understand and thank you for your advice. But even if we split, she is young (22) and I don't want it to follow her around for the rest of her life. I don't necessarily want bad things for her. I just need to find the right balance between doing the right thing for us both and doing the right thing for me individually.

OP posts:

CatBean · 14/02/2017 00:08

If I was in your situation, I wouldn't have shared the affair news with anyone, and gone for an amicable divorce, telling family that you were just not compatible. It would have saved you both the 'shame' and would be the honourable thing to do.

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 14/02/2017 00:15

Catbean - perhaps you are right. In the immediate aftermath I insisted on divorce and told my family so they could make arrangements. Yes, it would have been better to keep it to myself but I was angry and when I spoke to our parents. doing right by her wasn't at the forefront of my mind.

OP posts:

JoJoSM2 · 14/02/2017 00:16

I think she sounds horrible. Not only because she cheated but also because she then told her friends and admitted to not even feeling bad about it. I understand that leaving her seems difficult and you feel like you'll never be in love again but trust me - it does get better with time. It's just the initial period after the split that feels horrendous. And then you'll feel relieved and happy... Good luck.

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 14/02/2017 00:20

Thanks, JoJo. I am not sure she is a horrible person. But she did a horrible thing in a horrible way to the man who loved her most. I can't help but wonder whether I should be strong and suffer the slight indignity and humiliation of being cheated on like this and kick her to the kerb. But we have quite a lot of history and it feels hard to throw away.

I won't, however, stay with her unhappily long term.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 14/02/2017 00:25

gerry, if you had come on here and said that the marriage had been arranged, you hadn't spent much time together alone before the wedding, that the other man was a boyfriend her family couldn't accept etc, then there could be some hope.

But no, your marriage was meant to be a love marriage, one of your own choosing. And the simple fact is that while she was away, you were very much out of sight, out of mind.

Of course her family want you two to continue in the marriage. You know full well why.

But the very best thing you can do for both of you I to end this marriage before children become involved. Do whatever you need to do legally and religiously to remove yourself from this. Then give yourself time to heal. I wish you well.

Original poster

gerryraffles23 · 14/02/2017 00:27

Finola - I agree with much of what you have said. Of course her family want a reconciliation. There are too many red flags. If i also add that she told her friends (I discovered this also) before she went to Paris that she could cheat in me. She says this was just rubbish talk but...

OP posts:

Trustyourself2 · 14/02/2017 00:28

I suppose you've got to ask her why she wants to be with you, considering she's behaving like she doesn't want to be with you?

Never, ever put anyone on a pedestal - too much pressure on both parties.

You will get over it if you decide not to stay with her. At least you have the support of your family. Good luck to you.

Claire3346 · 14/02/2017 00:43

I think you need to do what will make you happy. I don't think it's this girl that will. You sound way to much of a nice person to be with her. You are only 25! Don't settle with her. She's been making a fool of you sorry. You deserve more and you know it.
Time is on your side to fine someone else and I'm very sure you will find the right girl. You will be a lot wiser this time also. It's her lose.

Claire3346 · 14/02/2017 00:46

I said don't settle with her! Obviously it's your choose :)
Just my opinion.

TroubleinDaFamily · 14/02/2017 01:01

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

WIth apologies to Maya Angelou. Misquoted but nearly right.

AdoraBell · 14/02/2017 01:21

The fact that she said what she did to friends about the cheating shows that she has no respect for you. As you have said, she is sorry that you found out.

I agree with others that you should leave. You won't be damaging her reputation or future. She did that. And in the meantime, while you make your decision, I suggest you take great care to avoid a pregnancy. As it stands you can end the marriage without a vast amount of fall out. If you have children it will be protracted and there will be pressure on you to stay 'for the children'. You deserve better than that.

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