My wife of four months cheated on md

[gerryraffles23]

Hi

Please excuse me for posting here. I must admit I am not a woman but I don't know where to turn or who to trust.

I have been with my wife for 3 years now and many more off and on up to 7. In 2016, we headed for the altar and got married in front of our friends and families. I thought it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

My wife moved to Paris for four months soon after as part of her professional development doing research in a lab for her Pharmaceutical career. I never had a problem with this; in fact, I drove her there and gave her my American Express so she wouldn't struggle. I was 100% behind her doing something for herself.

The four months weren't easy but finally she was due to return this weekend gone. Upon her return, I have found out that she was seeing someone and having sex with him. She lied about this on a number of occasions and I had to continue to dig and unearth evidence that she couldn't deny. It's less the sex (although not negligible, obviously) but the deceit involved. I have struggled to come to terms with the disrespect for me and our lives, the lies, the remorselessness (until she was caught, obviously). I found out initially from reading a text she had sent to her friends saying 'I had sex with someone last night but don't feel bad.'

Frankly, it turned my world upside down. Gone is my surefooting in life and I don't know to whom or to what I can turn. I am fairly certain that there has been some irreparable damage insofar as the trust is concerned and am not sure things can ever be the same.

Having said that, we are young (I am 25) and we share a flat in London that neither of us can afford to move out of. I have always had a base instinct to be kind to my wife so I don't have a problem with her staying.

She says she wants to fight for us and live together and try and figure things out but I am concerned that she is taking my nature and using it against me; manioulating me into staying with her.

I am 100% sure her tears, declarations and protestations are all a consequence of being caught and nothing else.

At this point, I am too confused. I don't know what to do and while I want to walk, I don't know that I am strong enough to and need to stop worrying about her and start worrying about me.

We are also Muslim and this is a great shame in our culture for something to come to light such as this and the effect it will have on her life (and, subsequently, mine) is substantial. The easy thing is to stay but I can't trust her. I'm not convinced that what is easy is necessarily right, anymore.

If anyone has any advice or has been through something similar and wouldn't mind sharing, I would be very interested to hear your take/advice.

Thanks.

Ignore pp saying you shouldn't have told anyone. Of course you need the support of family and friends. When women post on here in such circumstances they are always told to tell people, to get support, that they don't need to protect the cheat.

I also think you should leave. Life is so fleeting, you really shouldn't waste it and she's not who you thought she was. Better to be divorced than unhappily married, finding out she's done it again five years from now.

Whoa hang on a min.

She is 22? You have been together 7 years? She was 15 when you got together?

You are Muslim but got married in front of an alter in front of your families? Not a Nikah then?

My wife moved to Paris for four months soon after as part of her professional development doing research in a lab for her Pharmaceutical career. I never had a problem with this; in fact, I drove her there and gave her my American Express so she wouldn't struggle. I was 100% behind her doing something for herself.

This reads as though you did have a problem.

If what you have put is all true than I can understand your hurt and reaction. At the same time there is a lot that doesn't ring true.

Given your latest post that she told friends that she felt she could cheat on you before she even left, just proves it wasn't in any way, shape or form an accident that she cheated, it was basically premeditated. If it is someone she works with who also went to do research, then she almost certainly intended to sleep with him and has wanted to for some time, probably even before you got married. If she met him over there, shes deliberately gone looking for someone to have an affair with. The fact she openly talked to her friends about it means she isn't ashamed of what she did, and her clearly stating she didn't feel bad at all, means she has no guilt or remorse. She intended to cheat before she went, she enjoyed it, and she didn't care about you at all whilst doing it, or after.

This woman has no love or respect for you, i firmly believe 100% that if you love somebody there is no circumstance at all in which you are capable of cheating on them, and you categorically could not do so and not feel wracked with guilt, remorse and hate yourself for doing it. She feels none of these things.

You sound like an amazing man, you love her so deeply, would do anything for her, give her freedom, trust her, be completely faithful to her and financially support her without question. Quite brutally honestly, she loves the way you treat her, not you. She thought she could marry you, then go and do whatever she wanted, see who she wanted, have sex with other men and get away with it. She got caught, that is the ONLY reason she is pretending to be sorry, and she really is pretending, she's proven that already in the texts she sent her friends that she thought you'd never know about, and continued to lie until you had the physical proof she couldn't deny.

All of the shame belongs to her, you did nothing wrong, and you don't deserve to spend the rest of your life with somebody who has done this to you. Far better to get out now, when you're young with no children or debt tying you to her, make a clean break, and find someone who treats you back the way you treat them.

Stop being a mug.

Sash. Yes, we had a Nikah and Walima arranged. Weirdly there was an altar but that's just the venue, I suppose.

AlmostAJill. Thank you. I suspect you're right. My heart is heavy and I know I'm being foolish by not immediately kicking her out

I wouldn't have shared the affair news with anyone
Rubbish.
I kept my ExH secret for a while and it was NOT in my best interests at all.
I carried that weight and had to deal with it all on my own.

No way! Get family and friends around you to support you as quickly as possible. You need them and they want to help and it is certainly NOT your responsibility to keep her dirty little secret.
OP you did exactly the right thing.
That is the one piece of advice I always give. Get RL support ASAP!
It eats at you otherwise and destroys you.

I agree with PP's though. 4 months in and no regrets until she was caught!??..
No way. You know what you need to do but do take your time working this out in your head.
It's totally awful and horrible.

Hellsbells, thanks.

I feel glad I told people. It's my only insurance policy to protect myself. They remind me to look after my best interests and give me a different, less emotional oerspective.

her family want us to reconcile whereas I suspect my family want me to leave. They haven't intimated this to me, however, as I believe they want me to make my own decision

If I'm allowed to say so, your family sound as thoroughly decent as you do yourself, whereas I imagine her family's reluctance may be down to shame being reflected on both her and them - something she should have thought about before taking this path

I agree with everyone else that her decision - and it was a decision - to behave this way just 4 months into the marriage probably counts out any chance of you having a happy future together. Quite honestly how could you ever fully trust her again? And wouldn't it be even worse to split in future with possible children involved?

Sometimes it's best to simply draw a proper line under things and move on, and this really seems like such a time

At 25, with no children or assets, I would without a doubt take this opportunity to leave. Those messages.... her lack of remorse until caught.... those things betray funds,entail character flaws. Sorry op.

Funds entail?

Fundamental, is what I was going for

Thank you all. I have much to think about

Having both had my heart broken and been happily married (not the same person!) I can promise you that a lovely decent bloke like you will definitely find love again. Finish this marriage. It meant everything to you, but almost nothing to your wife.

Do you want to have children with a woman you can't trust? I really don't recommend it. You would never know when she'd cheat again and a divorce with children involved is infinitely more painful.

You're so young. Give yourself time to lick your wounds and then, later, go out and find love again. A happy marriage to someone you can trust with your life lies in your future, but not while you're still involved with this cheat.

Divorce is not such a taboo as it used to be, you'll be fine, dont worry about that aspect too much. You are also not responsible for any 'reputation' that she gets afterwards; that was all her own making. Like so many pps have said, she has held you in such little regard so far, please don't feel you owe her a SINGLE thing. Run for the hills is what I advise. And don't look back!

Prawn and Thomasina - I know you speak the truth but I need time to come to terms with everything. The life I was sure I was about to embark on has come to such an abrupt end. Granted, no children or assets involved make my situation preferable to a lot of others but you can't help but feel like it's the end of your world.

It does feel like the end of your world. But we are here to reassure you that you will get through the heartbreak and disillusion, and that happiness with a very different sort of woman lies in your future.

My DH was married before. His first wife cheated within 2 years, promised she wouldn't do it again, and then carried on the affair and had a child with DH. Then when she left the neighbours asked if it was the guy with green car, or the white one?

He thought his world had ended and feared that he may not be the child's father. We've now been married for 17 years and have 2 wonderful children.

You will get through this and you will meet someone who will respect and love you.

People say that time heals, and it really does. It's just the initial stage that's the most darkest and bleakest and feels like the end of the world. Ride it out and hopefully you'll see a light at the end of this dark tunnel. If you must, write down all the things she did to hurt you and betray your trust, and every time you despair and regret leaving her, refer back to the list and you'll remember why leaving her was the best thing you've done.

Listen to your parents, they will truly have your best interests at heart. I am so sorry, no one deserves this treatment. If it began as a love match, she has ground your love for her into the dirt. Not to mention breaking her wedding vows. You will find someone lovely, I hope whatever you decide things get better for you

you're only 25. You can end it and get a new surefooting on life. All of this stuff, life, getting over break ups, I think if you don't let it make you bitter it makes you more resilient but also exercises emotional intelligence.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I can't offer any specific advice.

However, never let religion get in the way of your happiness and future. The shame you speak of is not shameful at all and no person should be made to feel like that. You are a human and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect as does everyone.

I hope you find a way through this maze and the end result works for you.

"I wonder whether I'll ever have what me and my wife had"
"I have been with my wife for 3 years now and many more off and on up to 7"

I'm not convinced that an on-off relationship was as great as you think it was.

You can't issue a divorce petition until one year after the marriage but do it then.

You might not be able to apply for a divorce until 1 year, but only 4 months in you can still separate. In fact you will need too, as if you remain living together for 6months you won't be able to use her adultery.

You can’t give adultery as a reason if you lived together as a couple for 6 months after you found out about it. from the UK gov website.