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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much chores should my partner be doing?

121 replies

user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 19:38

Hi, I'm new to this site. I only just joined to post on another thread because I had been through a similar experience. After reading some of the stuff I just wanted to post to get people's opinions. I understand it is a site for women so sorry if it feels like I'm invading. I don't mean to. Just seems like a very helpful site where everyone can share their thoughts.

I'm a stay at home dad and my wife works. We have a dd who's 2. My wife is very career driven and it's important to her. That's why we made the decision for me to stay at home so she didn't have to have too much time off. I do most of the chores because she is at work and needs to relax after. I was just wondering how much I should expect her to help out? She doesnt do stuff at the weekend because that's her time off work to relax but she helps out in the evening occasionally. Is that reasonable?

OP posts:
peppatax · 13/02/2017 19:42

If you're happy with the arrangements then it's fine! I'd personally split time outside working hours 50:50 as you need time off too but if you're happy now then why change? My DP does the lions share outside working hours but equally id step up and do more if I needed to support him. Both working FT.

Chickiwick · 13/02/2017 19:48

There is no real answer to this - you have to work out what you're both comfortable with. I'm part-time and DH full-time worker.

We both hate housework and split it based on who likes what. DH does all cooking, I do all washing. We both muck in for general cleaning on the weekend.

The key thing is we've worked it out so the other isn't resentful.

It's not perfect but it's the best we can manage.

What I would say is your being home shouldn't automatically mean you do it all - looking after the kids and house is real work and you also need a break,

Original poster
user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 19:50

Hi,
Thanks for responding!
Well sometimes I would appreciate a bit more help especially at weekends and we have had a discussion about it before. But she sees the weekend as her time off so she shouldn't have to do the chores as she earns all our money in the week whereas I have time off just at different times because I don't work. I understand her point of view so that's why I haven't really brought it up again but just wanted to know what people think

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 13/02/2017 19:52

I think it's unfair if she does nothing at the weekend. When is your time off from housework? I am the sahm but dh cooks and I do most other things.

peppatax · 13/02/2017 19:54

Well I think her attitude there sucks a little to be honest - what if you said you wouldn't allow her to do anything with DD as you do all the parenting in the week? If she doesn't see herself as working and earning for your whole family then I'd be very careful OP, especially if you're not married.

BantyCustards · 13/02/2017 19:59

Reverse?

Original poster
user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 20:00

When I bought it up before and said I thought it was a little unfair she said I get my time off during the week at different times like when I'm
Having lunch or when dd is asleep stuff like that whereas she works solidly in the week so needs time off at weekends and time to play with dd not doing chores other wise she does t get to spend much time with her. So I understand what she means. I don't know if I should bring it up again

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 13/02/2017 20:06

For me it would depend on her attitude. Does she leave clothes lying about for you to pick up when she could easily put them in the wash basket or stick a load on before going to work. Does she leave cutlery, plates, glasses about instead of putting them in the kitchen or dishwasher if you have one.

It doesnt take long to put the washing machine on or pour some bleach down the toilet.

peppatax · 13/02/2017 20:10

Arguably though OP I doubt she's working non-stop all week - she may have more time to run errands, enjoy her lunch etc than you. Don't get into tit for tat about it, just both do what needs doing and if she doesn't do that then take her up on her commitment to your family togetehr

Original poster
user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 20:21

Thanks for your responses. She doesn't leave clothes lying about she puts them in the wash basket but I do all the washing Ironing. She did make a joke the other day that she's a woman but doesn't even know how to work our washing machine or where the ironing board is. I generally don't mind doing all the chores and am happy to support her and her career. She does work hard to earn our money but just lately feels like she is taking advantage a bit But maybe I am just overreacting

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 13/02/2017 20:26

Does she do anything to help? I don't think you are overreacting?

f83mx · 13/02/2017 20:29

If you're at home doing childcare then you can't be expected to do HUGE amounts around the house at the same time - primarily you're childminding - so as much as you can do around that and then it should be 50/50 outside of your childcare hours and her job hours

RebootYourEngine · 13/02/2017 20:32

This might be a silly question but do you have to iron? I stopped nearly 3 yrs ago and its great.

dementedpixie · 13/02/2017 20:33

I only iron dh's shirts and the kids school clothes, everything else is unironed

BackforGood · 13/02/2017 20:33

When is your time off?

What seems fair to me is that you both have equal 'time off' - whether you choose to watch trashy tv or you choose to volunteer or do a hobby or a sport is up to you, but you should both have equal time when you are able to choose what you do with it.

If that is happening it would seem fair. If not then it would seem to me she needs to pull her eeight at the weekends.

Original poster
user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 20:51

She does occasional chores like loading the dishwasher clearing up after meals but I do all the cooking and cleaning and most of the food shopping. I don't mind in the week. It's more the weekends. She is generally quite busy and sees friends or goes out and then wants to spend time some uninterrupted time with dd when she is home because she can't in the week. I feel guilty and don't want to ruin or take away her time with dd so don't really feel I can ask her to do that much at the weekend but is just a bit fustrating sometimes

OP posts:
Original poster
user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 20:52

I don't very much ironing no. Generally I try to hang things out as soon as they've washed so I don't have to. I just used that as an example because the joke she made about the ironing board

OP posts:
pudding21 · 13/02/2017 20:55

Are the kids at home all day or at school?

pudding21 · 13/02/2017 20:58

Sorry just read again, so you have a two year old. Does your wife take over as main carer of you dd at weekends? I ask because I work full time but still took the kids to school, dealt with health care, schooling, bathed them at night, got them ready in the morning. I also would cook and go shopping regularly. I say in the past tense as we've just split. Not cos of this, because he is emotionally abusive and a bully. Talk to her about it but if she's doing other stuff too, then cut her some slack.

Original poster
user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 20:59

We only have one child who is 2 so not at school. We have been taking recently about having another though because we both think it would be nice for dd to have a sibling

OP posts:
NettleTea · 13/02/2017 21:00

Time off in the week when you are actually still looking after your child isnt really time off though, is it? Its just the same as telling her that she gets time off at lunchtime.
When do you get to hang out on your own with your friends? Do you get to go out in the evenings perhaps, when she is home and so could be looking after her daughter?
And if she is playing with DD on her own, or going out with her friends, when are you doing any family time?
You are working and putting as much on the table as she is - if you were out to work too then you would both have to juggle the childcare/pick ups/drop offs/sick days AND you would both have to share all the chores.
You deserve some down time too

AddToBasket · 13/02/2017 21:06

IME work is hard but it is nothing compared to looking after a two year old. And then there's lunch breaks. Commuting is a bit shit but basically out of hours home admin should be split.

Having said that, it will make life easier and happier for both of you if you can squeeze the laundry/car wash/boring shopping into the week so you can do family stuff at the weekend.

user1478860582 · 13/02/2017 21:13

I'm also a SAHD and like you think that when my wife is home she wants to relax. However, this can turn into a bit of a problem as you just don't get a day off.

The way I do it is that I try to have two evenings a week off where I try to go out. On those days we will have something simple for dinner. I also try to make dinner for Saturday evening on Friday. So something like a chilli that only needs warming up or a lasagne.

It's very easy as a SAHD to be quite isolated. Where the hell do you go to meet other SAHDs? The school gate mums don't want to know or treat you like some sort of special case. You don't have work mates. It can be tricky so you need to take those evenings out.

For me, I do all the chores. I just find i have a rhythm that manages to get it all done. My kids are now towards their teens so it's easier.

My main tip is if you feel you're being taken advantage of, say something otherwise resentment will creep in. If you feel you can manage and are happy to do so then that's great to. But don't forget you're not just a SAHD. You're you too.

Original poster
user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 21:16

Aw thank you. That is helpful. I can try to do things like prepare meals in advance or bulk cooking which I have started doing.

We have recently moved because she has relocated to a different office with her job so I don't actually really know anyone around here. Still trying to meet people. She has knows a couple of people in the area and has friends from work so she goes out a lot more than me so makes sense that I also look afternoon dd more at the weekends but I think from people's comments I should try to ask her to do more at weekends and share the chores more. I just feel guilty because it means she would have less time bonding with dd.

OP posts:
Purplebluebird · 13/02/2017 21:17

I am not sure if it's "right" tbh, but I do 100% of housework in our house (1 child). My other half works full time in a relaxed job, and has a 30 minute commute, so he has a pretty easy life tbh! I do everything, including putting his plate in the dishwasher, and sometimes I have to pick his dirty socks off the floor because he's not put them in the washing basket -.- I don't like it, but cba to make a big deal about it.