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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much chores should my partner be doing?

121 replies

user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 19:38

Hi, I'm new to this site. I only just joined to post on another thread because I had been through a similar experience. After reading some of the stuff I just wanted to post to get people's opinions. I understand it is a site for women so sorry if it feels like I'm invading. I don't mean to. Just seems like a very helpful site where everyone can share their thoughts.

I'm a stay at home dad and my wife works. We have a dd who's 2. My wife is very career driven and it's important to her. That's why we made the decision for me to stay at home so she didn't have to have too much time off. I do most of the chores because she is at work and needs to relax after. I was just wondering how much I should expect her to help out? She doesnt do stuff at the weekend because that's her time off work to relax but she helps out in the evening occasionally. Is that reasonable?

OP posts:

NettleTea · 16/02/2017 10:04

Likeliehood she wouldnt want to be the resident parent - how would it fit around her routine? Courts like to keep the status quo, and if one parent has been doing all the care, that is the situation they would keep, but with access granted to the absent parent.
All assests/savings are attributed according to need, starting at 50-50, but often swinging towards whoever is looking after the kids. This is because they have a reduced ability to earn due to their child care responsibilities. The absent parent, if only doing what seems to be the standard contact (one night in the week / every other weekend) will have to pay child maintanence to the parent left holding the baby, which is calculated based on their wages and how often they look after the child. The courts recognise that the parent who stayed at home may not have contributed financially, however their contribution is as equally important to the marriage, as their help has allowed the working parent to progress in their career, by providing all the child and homecare picking up of pieces.

peggyundercrackers · 16/02/2017 10:08

sorry but you are being a doormat, you are doing everything for your OH whilst she is off out like a single woman. 3 or 4 nights out a week are loads - most people wouldn't accept going out 3 or 4 nights a month, never mind a week.

STOP accepting the view that because you are in at night you NEED to look after your child - your wife needs to stop going out and look after her child - she isn't a single woman - she has responsibilities - she has checked out your relationship and leaving it to you.

peggyundercrackers · 16/02/2017 10:12

have a look at the paperwork in the house around your finances, get copies of your wifes bank statements, details of your mortgage etc. if you split up you will need all this information so you know what you are entitled to. get information about your wifes pension etc. as well.

Original poster

user1487012581 · 16/02/2017 18:22

I don't know if she would want custody of dd as yeah I do worry that they don't bond enough. That is good to know that I would probably get her as the main carer though.

Do I need to seriously start thinking about splitting up with her? And ending our marriage. Do I like say that to her?

Do you think she might be cheating?? I never thought she would but I'm starting to doubt everything now

I think she earns around 90k a year so quite a lot but I don't actually know the exact figure. This also sounds really bad but I don't actually know if the house is in both our names or just hers. Would that matter?? I just can't really believe that I need to consider splitting up

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 16/02/2017 18:56

You are married correct if so no it does not matter.

I would talk to her one of two things is happening she has either checked out of your marriage and is either actually or contemplating cheating or she is suffering from not having bonded with your daughter is depressed and not facing up to it.

That said there are some financially controlling red flags as well

wherearemymarbles · 16/02/2017 19:10

You basically know NOTHING about her life!
Do you even know what she does for a living?

You're probably a long way from splitting up bit I'd make a list of things that you think are wrong, things dont know etc and talk to her. Tell how how unhappy she is making you.

Hell you could even show her the thread. If she still acts like a dick go and see your friends/family for a week.

She may not be having an affair but as things are its probably only a matter of time

DianaMemorialJam · 16/02/2017 19:14

Hi! I'm SAHM with an 8 week old and 1 year old and my husband works ft. I do housework and cooking during the week. Husband has kids on Saturday and Sunday mornings until about 9 30 so I can lay in (!) and housework is mostly 50/50 on weekends. We go out the four of us and see family etc.

DianaMemorialJam · 16/02/2017 19:15

Ooooo sorry I have just seen the latest, the thread has moved on a bit

Original poster

user1487012581 · 16/02/2017 19:33

Ok well that really is not good :(
I don't think she is depressed about not bonding with dd. She wanted me to be the sahp. She does spend time with her but she could definitely spend more time if she wanted but it's her choice.Which means it is probably the other option and she has given up on our marriage and is considering or already cheating which i really don't want to think about. I can't believe I didn't see this. I love her though and I really want to fix it if I can.

She's out at the moment but I might even talk to her about it tonight and tell her I'm not happy and we need to talk about changing something.

OP posts:

LlandudnoLlandudno · 16/02/2017 19:37

This is an awful situation. Your DPs life hasn't changed while you have become controlled and isolated. The lack of knowledge of finances is extremely worrying. I agree you need to talk to her tonight and tell her how you feel.

crazyhead · 16/02/2017 20:10

What sort of person was your wife before you had kids?

What rings alarm bells for me is that she sounds cheeky and a taker - the type who puts their needs first and wants to see how much they can take from another person rather than thinking in terms of fairness and of both of your happiness.

But maybe I'm being very unfair. It might be that you are a little unassertive and she's a bit oblivious, but that things could change with a wake up call.

What do you think she's like? Do you think she cares about what you want? would you describe her as an honourable person?

Original poster

user1487012581 · 16/02/2017 20:23

I think I'm going to talk to her tonight yep. Quite nervous though.

Well she has always been the more assertive one. Like for example she actually proposed to me. But that hasn't been a bad thing. Well at least i didn't think it was but maybe now it is. She is very sure of herself and confident in that once she's made a descision it's hard to change her mind and in social groups she normally takes charge whereas I'm more shy and tend to stand back a bit. We did fall in love with each other though and we have had happy times.

I don't know if she realises that and is a bit oblivious or she does and is just taking advantage

OP posts:

wherearemymarbles · 16/02/2017 20:24

If you do talk, think of the possible answers she might come up with and come up with some counter arguements etc. At the minimum you have to get across you are unhappy and thats all down to her

Is she secretive with her phone?

peggyundercrackers · 17/02/2017 11:24

so how did your talk go last night?

I don't think she is cheating by what you've written but she could be I guess. its worrying you don't know anything about family finances nor how much she is paid. do you have access to family money? do you have a joint account? if you are married it doesn't really matter if the house is in joint names but you should know these things.

it sounds like she is very controlling and confident you will do what she tells you.

ocelot7 · 17/02/2017 15:19

Smilingsarah yes my child was at nursery & yes my child missed out on painting/baking etc cos I was too tired when I got home and couldn't stand more stuff to clear up at the w/end when I was trying to catch up with washing, hoovering etc as well as do something nice with him.

From the viewpoint of a singleparent (at least this one) having 2 adults where the second one contributes anything at all does sound like luxury! When one of us was sick it was very difficult eg keeping up with clearing up vomit+lack of sleep or when I had to make food for him with a migraine when all I could really manage was lying very still in a dark room.

smilingsarahb · 17/02/2017 20:57

Ocelot7, I was not suggesting your (or my) child missed out on anything by going to nursery. I was suggesting that they do all the messy stuff there so the only person missing out was you (and me) but the flip side is we didn't have to organise, carry out and clean up after the messy activities and that's the reason stay at home parents can struggle doing the chores you and I fit in around work. Being a single parent it a tough gig, and hats off to you for working hard and giving your child those fab nursery and weekend experiences.

Original poster

user1487012581 · 17/02/2017 21:08

We have a joint account but she also has her own account too. We have a direct debit of money going from her account into the joint one. She's not secretive with her phone but I've never really tried to look at it.

I did t talk to her last night. Chickened out a bit. Just wanted to prepare what I'm going to say a bit more so it goes well.
I am really worried she is cheating now :(

OP posts:

NettleTea · 17/02/2017 22:27

She may not be cheating, but she is taking the piss and enjoying life pretty much as if she is a single person, just dipping in and out of parenthood as it suits her and leaving you to do the gruntwork

Original poster

user1487012581 · 17/02/2017 23:01

I know I need to do something about it. It just is a lot to get my head around. I only posted on here because I was interested in the amount of chores sahp normally too but ended up that my marriage is falling apart :(

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 18/02/2017 09:12

I don't necessarily think that your marriage is falling apart, but I do think that now is the moment for you to draw your line in the sand on what you are prepared to do and how you want things to be shared between you. If you don't do this now, you will have difficult times ahead.

Speak calmly and in a reasoned way, but spell out your feelings. It may be that she really just hasn't realised how you feel about things. Good luck!

NettleTea · 18/02/2017 09:17

yes I agree - it may be that she has fallen into a pattern and is just too self absorbed in what she is doing to actually stop and look at it fairly. I cant remember how recent the move back to her area was, so it may be she is a bit carried away with being with her old friends and just stepping back into the pattern she had when she was previously living here, forgetting that things have changed and she has a responsibility for a husband and child now

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