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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much chores should my partner be doing?

121 replies

user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 19:38

Hi, I'm new to this site. I only just joined to post on another thread because I had been through a similar experience. After reading some of the stuff I just wanted to post to get people's opinions. I understand it is a site for women so sorry if it feels like I'm invading. I don't mean to. Just seems like a very helpful site where everyone can share their thoughts.

I'm a stay at home dad and my wife works. We have a dd who's 2. My wife is very career driven and it's important to her. That's why we made the decision for me to stay at home so she didn't have to have too much time off. I do most of the chores because she is at work and needs to relax after. I was just wondering how much I should expect her to help out? She doesnt do stuff at the weekend because that's her time off work to relax but she helps out in the evening occasionally. Is that reasonable?

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 14/02/2017 23:50

Also don't apologise for posting. You don't need to be a woman... it's ok.

Phoebefromfriends · 15/02/2017 05:57

I think your marriage is in a worse state than you think especially after you said she's gone out tonight. You are effectively a single dad.

I would start looking for work as you sound like you've lost your confidence and then assess whether you really want to be in a relationship where you hardly see your partner.

She doesn't have to be cheating on you with a guy BTW.

Zanymummy · 15/02/2017 07:30

Sounds as if she is ready for an affair if not already in one, I should know as this was similar to me also not meeting any of her friends would set alarm bells ringing, do they even know you exist?. The frequency of the nights out has to fall and a dinner for just the 2 of you even in just the house has to increase. Evenings can still be a time for both of you to get out the house as a family rather than after works drinks etc. if she refuses then she has moved you into being just the nanny. As for volunteering have you thought about scouts or various cadet groups?

Naicehamshop · 15/02/2017 07:44

I second the advice to try MeetUp - there will be loads of different groups under their umbrella in your town. Go for it!

Original poster
user1487012581 · 15/02/2017 11:00

I admit that I was a bit upset/disappointed that she went out for Valentine's. I didn't specifically mention to her or book anything before but i thought we would have a nice evening together. I did get her a present and flowers.

I maybe didn't realise it's quite as bad as it is :/ I'm still a bit unsure. I know I need to start doing stuff though. I will try meetup. Thank you.

I have questioned the amount of times she goes out before but she says she has to go out with everyone after as part of the job and it helps her career.

OP posts:
BantyCustards · 15/02/2017 11:24

It'a not 'bad': it's bloody awful. She gets to do what she wants and you are effectively being treated as the unpaid help and childminder.

wherearemymarbles · 15/02/2017 12:33

Sorry but based on what you say she is behaving like a complete and utter twat.

When she goes out, what time does she come back home?
Did she get you anything for valentines?
Why ln earth is she going out at weekends leaving you at home?
Do you have a sex life?

She seems to have no respect for you and in these circumstances I wouldnt even consider another child.
You are basically a single parent and she is galavanting around like she is young free and single.

Blunt conversation needed if you want to stay married to this person

Original poster
user1487012581 · 15/02/2017 17:44

I'm sorry I'm kind of in shock at this! It is different written down on here but I never thought it was that bad. I think just because it has gradually happened.

Sometimes she comes back quite late but normally not too bad and we get time to watch TV together or whatever and we spend time together on the other nights when dd is in bed.

TBH our sex life hasn't been great since we moved. I know with most couples it does die off but we are still young. Mostly she just says she's too tired after work and I don't want to pressure her at all because I don't want to be one of those men. She didn't get me anything for Valentine's but I hadn't mentioned it before. I just surprised her so she probably just thought we weren't doing anything. I know Valentine's isn't a huge deal and just commercial but would've been nice to do something.
I don't really know what to think. I'm just going to try doing some social things and try meet people and see if that helps

OP posts:
Original poster
user1487012581 · 15/02/2017 17:44

Thank you so much for everyone posting and giving me advice btw. This is a great community on here.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 15/02/2017 18:28

She really isn't prioritising your relationship at all, is she? Sad

Keep posting - glad it is helping. Smile

wherearemymarbles · 15/02/2017 18:46

I bet she wasnt too tired for sex after work after 2- 3 years ago.

Good ide to improve your social life but you need to discuss some ground rules roo, ie on friday and Saturday if you go out you do it together or not at all etc

Original poster
user1487012581 · 15/02/2017 18:59

I don't know why or relationship has got worse. Is it my fault?
I have discussed the weekend thing with her before but I don't think she will change on that because she sees it as her time off and i have time off throughout the week and she says it's silly for me to not look after dd if she wants to go out with friends sometimes at the weekend because I'm not doing anything. I do see her point so can understand.

I went out once with them before but it was all women and i wasn't really very involved so haven't done it again. I don't know if her friends have partners or not.

We used to have sex a lot more but now is only about once every 2-3 weeks but I understand she is tired after work and stuff. Maybe most couples go though that and it's normal. I'm not sure

OP posts:
MrsPinkCock · 15/02/2017 19:16

DH has been out after work for the last two nights but he's home for 9pm. I wouldn't be happy about that being a weekly event - in fact it's pretty much a one off.

I'm a SAHM here (four children). I do all of the shopping, cooking, afternoon school runs, cleaning to an anally retentive standard washing and ironing.

DH does the morning school run, puts the bins out weekly and might do a load of washing at the weekend if his work clothes are desperately needed. But that's about it.

Works for us. But I factor in an hour of me time when the kids are at school! If you're SAHP then I think it's only fair you do the vast majority of the chores - most of them can be fit in during the day and then weekend bits should be split more evenly or not done at all, most stuff can wait until Monday

wherearemymarbles · 15/02/2017 20:12

But surely she would want to get a baby sitter and go out with you at the weekend.?

You know nothing about her life or friends as she doesnt share. Ie do they have children etc

I think she has probably emotionally and physically checked out, wants to spend time pretending to be single etc and when you ask questions she just gives you some bullshit and you think 'ok, yeah, that sounds reasonable.'

As you are the free agent, why not take Dd to visit your parents for a week and have a good think about your marriAge, talk to some friends.

I think you have to ask her if she has lost respect for you as a sahd. And TELL her her behaviour is crap.
And no i dont think sex 15 times a year for a young couple is particularly normal.

wherearemymarbles · 15/02/2017 20:14

Sorry to say op, you arw being a bit of a doormat.

Quartz2208 · 15/02/2017 20:18

How much does she see your daughter

Original poster
user1487012581 · 15/02/2017 21:41

We do go out together occasionally and we do have quite a bit of time together when dd is in bed in the evenings. We do have good times sometimes. I don't know much about her freinds no. I went out with them that one time but that's it.

Im just struggling to accept that it's so bad. Am I being a doormat? :( I can't really think about leaving her. I don't know. It just seems so extreme but maybe it's not.

She sees dd at the weekends but just does fun stuff with her really. I do most of the bedtimes and bath times and all the house work. I know I need to have a conversation with her but every time I have she always has answers as to why and then I feel that I'm in the wrong and just moaning for no reason. She says lots of women manage in the same position so why can't I.

She has also said before if I do dd bedtimes and the other chores then she will be less tired and more in the mood for sex.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/02/2017 22:04

Truthfully yes you are, she does what she wants when she
Wants to and blackmails you into doing it all and makes you feel oh the wrong. Really she is gas lighting you.

The point is lots of women manage because they are married to arseholes and they to wonder how to address the imbalance. It does not lead to a happy marriage, because marriage is a partnership and yours is not

wherearemymarbles · 15/02/2017 22:23

Exactly - she does what she wants then makes out you're in the wrong when you question her.

She is behaving like a great many men do - cuntish men at that. No one is saying leave but you have to see that your marriage is not a partnership as the pp said. if you dont address things they will only get worse.

wherearemymarbles · 15/02/2017 22:39

Fyi I left the house at 7.30am and was back at least 12 hours later and still read to my kids in the evening when i could, did last feeds at night, did bath/bed time at weekends, changed nappies etc cooked at weekends, took them to the park etc so my wife who was a sahm could have a break. Now they are older i am still hands on. If I had behaved as your wife is I'd have had my testicles handed to me on s skewer!!

PoundingTheStreets · 15/02/2017 23:29

I've been a single parent and a coupled parent twice - once with my DC's father, once with my current DP, DC's stepdad.

It was a revelation to me after leaving DC's father to find that life was actually easier as a single parent.

My DC's stepdad OTOH does 50% of the housework and childcare, including days off if DC are sick. We both work full-time in very demanding jobs.

Having a full-time job does not absolve you from anything else!

Original poster
user1487012581 · 15/02/2017 23:45

What is gas lighting?
How can i change it?? I'm sorry if It seems I'm being a bit of a door
Mat. It just seems so bad and i don't really know where to start. I'm not worried that she's having an affair but I don't really know why we don't have much of a sex life now. I
Am going to hopefully go to a couple of toddler groups next week to get out of the house for a bit.

I really want to save our marriage but if I did end up leaving I don't know what I would do. My wife earns a lot more than I ever could and I don't have any savings of my own and my wife looks after the finances so I'm not actually sure about our financial situation. Also I wouldn't want to lose dd. But as she is the mother I'm scared that she would get custody over her and not me. Just omg it seems such a mess

OP posts:
Original poster
user1487012581 · 15/02/2017 23:47

There are a lot of posts which I have read that are similar but reverse with the mum at home. And most people have said to leave. But I don't know if I can do that!

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 16/02/2017 07:47

You are the main carer, so I wouldn't think she would get custody. Would she even want it? She would definitely have to change her lifestyle then.

Buggeritimgettingup · 16/02/2017 08:14

You need to be finding out about your financial situation. It sounds as though you've been worn down over time and can't see the wood for the trees.
If you split she would have to pay cms/csa have a look at entitledto website at least if you have financial facts it may ease your mind re splitting.
For what it's worth I'm a sahm I do most of the chores during week and at weekends we split 50/50 up until recent illness I went out twice a week for a hobby (dh totally behind this) we have joint account no issues with both accessing cash as and when we need it as it's family money. Also as you are main care giver I'd you split she should be the one to leave to kerp stability for your Dd.