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Original poster

How much chores should my partner be doing?

121 replies

user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 19:38

Hi, I'm new to this site. I only just joined to post on another thread because I had been through a similar experience. After reading some of the stuff I just wanted to post to get people's opinions. I understand it is a site for women so sorry if it feels like I'm invading. I don't mean to. Just seems like a very helpful site where everyone can share their thoughts.

I'm a stay at home dad and my wife works. We have a dd who's 2. My wife is very career driven and it's important to her. That's why we made the decision for me to stay at home so she didn't have to have too much time off. I do most of the chores because she is at work and needs to relax after. I was just wondering how much I should expect her to help out? She doesnt do stuff at the weekend because that's her time off work to relax but she helps out in the evening occasionally. Is that reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 21:18

Yeah it is hard to meet people and I feel awkward talking to the mums. I don't know if she is taking advantage or I'm just over reacting

OP posts:
Trustyourself2 · 13/02/2017 21:22

When your DC is asleep, do you work in the home or do you rest, as your DW has said? If you work as many hours as DW, then I'd say she should be doing her fair share of the work at the weekend.

dementedpixie · 13/02/2017 21:27

How can she both be out at weekends and bonding with your Dd at the same time? Do you get time out to do what you want too? Many hands make light work so if you did housework stuff together at weekends it would get done faster and you would both have time to do your own things

Lessthanaballpark · 13/02/2017 21:38

OP, it all boils down to being happy. If there is resentment between you it will cause problems.

Working out equivalence between your two jobs is impossible because they are completely different.

Yes you get snatched time off during the week but it's never truly relaxed time is it? Also like you say being a SAHP is isolating.

And feeling that you are being taken advantage of is not nice. So decide on a couple of jobs she could do over the weekend and work out a compromise.

Original poster
user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 21:58

I do have some rest time when she is asleep. But also use that time to plan the meals or catch up on housework. Don't generally get that much spare time as I'm sure anyone with a 2 year old will understand.

It sounds a bit sad but I don't really get out of the house very much and don't really know anyone around here. We moved a few hours from where we used to live. As I mentioned before she knows a few people and has work friends so does stuff with them. So she says makes more sense for me to spend more time looking after dd at the weekends which I can agree with.

I have discussed it before but come away thinking that I'm just being silly and that she is right. I'm just making a fuss.

OP posts:
VivDeering · 13/02/2017 21:59

She can have time with DD on an evening can't she? Doing bath and bedtime?

I subscribe to the equal free time model, rather than equal share of chores. We both work full time, no kids, but I do more of the chores because I work from home and don't have DP's commute of 1hr 20 every day.
Then, any work left for an evening or weekend is done equally. (This only works if DP trusts that I'm not swinging the lead whilst he's out at work and believes me when I tell him I've been too busy to do any housework during the day).

Joysmum · 13/02/2017 22:05

My DH works long hours and it's usually been easy for me to get everything done that needs doing in that time in addition to child care.

I've always worked on the basis of thirds for the time DH is not working or commuting. 1/3 him time. 1/3 us time 1/3 him and DD time.

Works well for us but there are times when he works less, has time off, or times where I'm stressed so we divide up the chores.

BackforGood · 13/02/2017 22:09

I think it sounds a bit odd all round.
Surely, if you are out at work for lomg hours each day, then, as a parent, you'd want to be spending as much time as possible with your 2 yr old at the weekend ? I don't understand the bit where you say she says it makes sense for you to have her all weekend too. Confused
Apart from you not getting a break, what about her relationship with her dc ??

Then, if you have moved for her work, then surely she has some responsibility to make sure you have the chance to meet new people here - I'd have thought ideally be doing something as a family where you get to know other folks (for me that would be joining a church, although i know that isn't for lots of people), but an activity that you do one of the evenings in the week - be that a choir, a sport, volunteering, or a darts team, tbh, it doesn't matter, but you need to put your own roots down in your new area, and be your own person.
This seems to be about more than distributn of chores, tbh.

VivDeering · 13/02/2017 22:10

As I mentioned before she knows a few people and has work friends so does stuff with them. So she says makes more sense for me to spend more time looking after dd at the weekends which I can agree with

Well it doesn't make any sense at all, does it?

Funnyfarmer · 13/02/2017 22:15

What about time together. If dp didn't pitch in with chores on a evening or weekends then it would leave very little time for us once dc's are in bed. Also it's her house too and she should take some pride in looking after it

Original poster
user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 22:17

Sorry if I'm not making sense. Is hard to get everything across in a post. It's mainly that If she has plans to go out in the evening for example I should stay and look after dd as i don't have any plans so would just be preventing her going out for no reason.

I do worry a bit about the amount of time she spends with dd. I wish they would spend more time together. She is just very career focused and the plan was always for me to give up my job. That's also why i feel guilty about asking her to do more chores because I don't want to cut into the time she does spend with dd.

OP posts:
wherearemymarbles · 13/02/2017 22:37

Do you ever go out together, just you two? Or all 3 of you?

No reason why she cant cook one night at the weeken or put a load invthe washing machine on a sunday

Its sounds almsot as if you're a 1950's housewife!!

BackforGood · 13/02/2017 22:45

You are coming across as very 'downtrodden'.
If this were the other way round, MN would be up in arms!

You really need to have a calm concersation with her about it - not necessarily the chores, but the seeming lack of interest she has in your dd or you or your home and family life.

Original poster
user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 23:00

We spend time together in the weekday evenings when dd is in bed but I will admit that our relationship probably isn't as good as it was. We dont go out just the two of us very often but we do spend time together.

I do kind of wish we didn't move as I didn't quite realise how hard it would be to meet people and I left my friends behind but it was a really good career move for her so we made the descion to do it and I am happy for her and I don't want her to feel guilty so I don't want to bring that up as we can't change it now. I haven't really met her work friends or anything as they are all women.

I do love her but I think things have just gradually changed

OP posts:
Jux · 13/02/2017 23:12

You do need equal time out. Looking after children is exhausting, you never go to the loo alone, you're constantly in demand so always juggling two, maybe three or four things at once. Looking after one baby was the hardest work I ever did, that includes the time I was responsible for themlives of 6000+ people and worked 8am to midnight as a basic shift 6 days a week. I got a whole day off then, I didn't with a baby.

No, she's not pulling he weight.

VivDeering · 14/02/2017 07:54

I think the obvious point is that you're never going to go out with friends if you never go out to make friends!

Look, this is nonsense. As soon as she's home you should both be equal in terms of hands-on parenting and housework. You should both have equal opportunity to exercise, socialise, relax etc.

If the sexes were reversed people would be asking, "why don't you and DD move back home?".

smilingsarahb · 14/02/2017 08:13

We've had a few different set ups over time and I've gradually come to realise it's not about who does the chores but that you both get the opportunity for a rest each day and a time to pursue something you enjoy. For a stay at home parent it's particularly important to do a thing outside the home that is for grown ups as it's quite isolating being with kids all the time. Going out to work gives you that adult dimension. The other thing that is important is each partner places value on what the other does and appreciates it. I also think an employee gets sick days, annual leave and weekends away so it's important to make sure the stay at homer parent gets support when they were sick and has the odd day where they find all the chores are done.

Huldra · 14/02/2017 08:58

Yes, she should be pitching in during the evenings. Help with child's bedtime because you haven't sen them all day. Help clear up the meal you have eaten.

At weekends everyone should pitch in. Even if the bulk of the housework is done there's still all the daily mess, breakfasts, lunches , child entertaining.

ocelot7 · 14/02/2017 09:03

Could you do the chores a bit quicker to make time to do something more interesting with DD during the week?
Having always worked fulltime, I just don't get how chores expand to fill the work week.... maybe my housework standards are much lower.
If I were you, I'd be aiming to get everything done during work hours so you could all relax & do stuff at weekends. It almost sound's like one of you doesn't want to spend time together - & I don't get why yr DWs bonding with DD has to exclude you?

And as a single parent just had to get on with both roles so seems a luxury to have 2 adults...
But you probably need to be thinking ahead to be doing something more fulfilling when DD starts education eg training, volume feeding or a pt job.

ocelot7 · 14/02/2017 09:03

Volume feeding?!! I wrote volunteering!

smilingsarahb · 14/02/2017 09:28

Ocelot7. ..was your child at home when you were working or at a childminders or nursery. When a child is at home stuff gets used and activities take place so the house needs more time to keep on top of it. You don't have to tidy up after a painting activity that took place somewhere else or sweep the floor after a muddy walk etc. My mum used to look after my child one day a week when I went to work and did no housework and the house was a bombsite when I got home. The days he went to nursery were bliss. Everything was exactly where I left it. There was no evidence of lunch and snack time, no muddy wellies drying in the hall, no flour everywhere where they had baked. Also the thing you are paying the person who looks after your child to do...that's what takes up most of the stay at home parents day...The chores have to fit round that.

PhilODox · 14/02/2017 09:36

I think it's very difficult for men to make friends in a new area if they're a SAHD. You should both be having similar amounts of time off, maybe you could join an evening class once a week, or a sports club/team at the weekend? It's good for children to see their parents be active and learning also.
How will you manage with a second child? Will you work whilst your wife is on maternity leave?

user1478860582 · 14/02/2017 10:27

As said above by BackforGood, you sound down trodden. Whether MN would be up on arms, well I suspect it would. However, you've made the move with your OH and now you kind of have to get on with it. Your wife can't make friends for you. That would be like a play date for husbands!

Whilst we can all make suggestions about sports clubs, gym or whatever only you know what you enjoy doing. But you do have the right to say to your wife you're going out to do these things and you have to make an effort to get involved in your new area otherwise you'll just go stir crazy.

We tend to work it so as I do almost all the chores including cooking (I do a mean curry now and roasties to die for!) and washing up however she does all the house admin. I don't have the patience to ring up utility companies and such like so I leave that to her!

I also imagine that when you were in work as well you used to talk more. But let's face it, talking about what little one has done all day isn't riveting conversation. Once you start getting a social life of your own again I imagine the conversation and such like will start to flow again and you'll end up closer once again.

BantyCustards · 14/02/2017 11:21

Couldn't agree more smiling

Quartz2208 · 14/02/2017 11:41

No it's not reasonable she should be doing more at the weekends and prioritising her family.