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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How much chores should my partner be doing?

121 replies

user1487012581 · 13/02/2017 19:38

Hi, I'm new to this site. I only just joined to post on another thread because I had been through a similar experience. After reading some of the stuff I just wanted to post to get people's opinions. I understand it is a site for women so sorry if it feels like I'm invading. I don't mean to. Just seems like a very helpful site where everyone can share their thoughts.

I'm a stay at home dad and my wife works. We have a dd who's 2. My wife is very career driven and it's important to her. That's why we made the decision for me to stay at home so she didn't have to have too much time off. I do most of the chores because she is at work and needs to relax after. I was just wondering how much I should expect her to help out? She doesnt do stuff at the weekend because that's her time off work to relax but she helps out in the evening occasionally. Is that reasonable?

OP posts:

NettleTea · 14/02/2017 12:34

so she gets to go out in the evenings too??
bloody hell OP she's got it made hasnt she?
My father worked a really hard job, left home at 7 every morning and home at 7.30 at night, but he still did the washing up every night, and wouldnt have dreamed of not pitching in at the weekend - in fact at the weekends he was probably renovating whichever house they were in at the time, or coming with us out for a day trip.
Is there something you might like to do of an evening? maybe an evening class to get you out and amongst adults - its really hard when you are only relying on a two year old for company - you NEED to speak to other adults, and if your wife is home (and sounds like she doesnt have a long commute if you have moved for her job) then maybe this would be a way into meeting some new 'non mummy' friends. Also may help you if you are thinking of getting into work again at some point?
Maybe look for something that you could do at the weekend for a couple of hours? a sport/gym/ music/art group - again, just a couple of hours to get a breather and some adult interaction. You say she needs bonding time, and its good for her to have some one to one. Do you have any kind of centre near you where they may have a kids group running where you could do your own thing - Im thinking maybe a sports centre or arts centre - then your wife could take your daughter to an activity while you did a seperate one?

PushingThru · 14/02/2017 13:21

These silly reverses are getting a bit tedious now. The relationships board is full of them.

Original poster

user1487012581 · 14/02/2017 13:27

What's a reverse? Do you mean that it's majority women posting on here. I apologise if I am intruding being a man and posting on here. Everyone has been very helpful though thank you. I think I need to talk to her properly and say that I'm unhappy just not sure how to bring it up. I think it does come from I just feel very isolated and I should try to get out and do stuff. I've always. When quite shy and my wife is a lot better at meeting people. Are there any groups on here for meeting local people? She just says it's silly for me to. I haven't looked at getting back to work because we've talked about having another child so I won't be able to go back to work for a while.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1487012581 · 14/02/2017 13:28

Sorry typo. Silly for me to stop her going out and doing stuff when I would just be staying at home

OP posts:

peggyundercrackers · 14/02/2017 13:31

your OH is taking the piss out of you. if this was a woman writing about a man she would be told to LTB because hes a lazy cocklodger. go read the relationship boards and you will find out what the answers would be.

your OH should be doing half the work no matter if its at night or weekends. you wouldn't be stopping her going out for nothing - she would be looking after your child. she should be doing all chores at the weekend to give you time off.

VivDeering · 14/02/2017 15:08

Are there any groups on here for meeting local people?

noego · 14/02/2017 16:14

If this was a woman posting there would be loads of LTB's listed I'm sure.

Grow a pair!!

NettleTea · 14/02/2017 16:43

Have a google for groups in your area? what do you like doing? Look at adult education / sports centres/ toddler groups for dads - look for stuff that you could do working from home perhaps - maybe retrain - soon your 2 year old will be able to go to nursery PT if you want, and then school, it would be great to develop something you enjoy into self employed work to fit around that

I can see that she thinks it would be silly for you to not look after your daughter in the evening, but likewise it would be silly for her not to do it too, You both need the same amount of downtime. Hence the thought about doing an evening class or a sport or even going for a walk/run and letting her do the evening shift

How often does she go out in the evenings? How much time seeing friends or doing her own thing?

How much 1-2-1 time does she spend with your DD at the weekends? Does she do all the bath and bedtime at weekends or just the fun stuff?

junebirthdaygirl · 14/02/2017 17:55

I was a stay at home mom when dc were small.. Only did housework for one hour every morning. Every afternoon we went out somewhere, library, swimming whatever. I couldn't stay in all day. I cooked every day but dh did clean up, played with dc etc after he came in and l got to read, garden or have a bath etc. Every Saturday morning we did a big clean, top to bottom together. Every Sunday we did a family activity all together. Regularly we got a babysitter and went out to eat or just coffee to have time together.
Is your dw giving you money to join a gym, cycling club or whatever you like to do. I would do take in every Friday evening to reduce cooking. Do ye do a family activity on a Saturday or Sunday? Do ye get to go out to dinner or cinema together?

sabzii · 14/02/2017 18:42

I'm currently a SAHM (toddler DD) and I do nearly all the housework/shopping/all laundry and cooking etc. DH helps out if I ask or if I'm very tired. At weekends I feel he should rest and spend quality time with DD. The way I see it, I get lots of nice relaxing time with DD during the week (no time pressures or deadlines) whereas he is stuck in office under lots of stress! We go swimming, to the park, lunch out with friends, toddler groups, plus downtime with TV, so much nicer than working.
I get time to myself when she naps, is in bed or if DH takes her out at weekend. I also take a Saturday to myself once every couple of months, to see friends.

Original poster

user1487012581 · 14/02/2017 18:52

I have read some of the previous posts and yeah most of the advice has been leave them in similar situations. That seems really extreme to me though. It has got worse recently but we are married! I don't really know what to think.
I'm going to look for groups and see if there is something social I can do and ask if dw will let me go.

Thank you for all your advice. I think it was fine before we moved as I sometimes got to see friends and get time away from the house but not since we moved and I think she has just got used to it now. She doesn't go out all the time but probably about 3-4 times a week. So I get some alone time when dd is in bed and dw is out.

She occasionally does bath and bed time at the weekends but is mostly left to me and she just does the fun stuff. I do kinda want to bring that up as I am a bit worried they haven't bonded enough but I don't know how to without offending her

OP posts:

BantyCustards · 14/02/2017 19:16

A reverse is where the OP is pretending to be on the sude that they are arguing whilst actually being on the other side of the debate.

I admit I am suspicious because experience tells me that the vast majority of SAHPs in this particular dynamic where the powers is extremely one sided are women.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, OP: your wife is seriously taking the piss and I suggest LTB.

Naicehamshop · 14/02/2017 19:18

Are you being serious? Ask dw if she will "let" you go out???

Join a group, take up a sport, do something even if it's just going to the gym on Saturday morning for an hour on your own. You really need to carve out some time for yourself.

Phoebefromfriends · 14/02/2017 19:39

OP try MeetUp, if you are in a city or large town there are usually groups. I'm actually astonished at your DW's attitude to you finding friends. She's basically single but can trot out you and your DD if it suits her. Being a parent in the same house isn't optional because of her social life. Seeing your parents doing housework is important, your DD could play whilst your wife dusts I don't understand how her working and playing all week means she can't make a meal.

Could you try volunteering or returning to work? I really think the power in this relationship needs readjusting and by not working you are in a vulnerable position if you do break up. Definitely don't have another one until this is sorted out as it's very imbalanced.

Are you sure she isn't cheating on you?

Quartz2208 · 14/02/2017 19:41

3-4 times a week is loads though

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 14/02/2017 19:44

Do you go out with your friends child free?

Do you have hobbies that you do child free?

Trifleorbust · 14/02/2017 20:04

Looking after a child is a full time job - tell her to try telling a nursery she is only going to pay them for four out of six hours because your DD has a nap for an hour, eats lunch and sometimes plays on the floor That is not time off.

She is CHOOSING to socialise rather than spend time with your DD in the evenings, so it is nonsensical to say she can't share the load at weekends because otherwise she wouldn't have time with your DD. Her priorities need to change.

You need equal leisure time, as a pp said. At the moment she is clearly taking the piss, and unfortunately I think you are letting her!

NettleTea · 14/02/2017 20:12

ASK her if she will LET you go out???

3-4 times a week????

speechless

Original poster

user1487012581 · 14/02/2017 22:25

I didn't think that 3-4 times was that much but maybe it is. She's definitely not cheating. It's not that. It's just like after work drinks or doing stuff with girlfriends.

I didn't really mean her let me do it. Just to arrange a night a week she can take care of dd. I think from everyone's advice that's what I should try to do. I might join the gym or try find an evening class. It would be good to get to know a few
Mums so we could maybe do play dates for dd but is hard. Is it my fault? Am I letting her do it? Some people have posted that they do all the chores while their partner works and they seem to get on fine so maybe I'm over reacting. Should i discuss it with her?

OP posts:

BackforGood · 14/02/2017 22:33

I am surprised you are still asking tbh.

I don't get this "if she will let me" bit at all. surely, whatever your jobs, you are equal partners in your marriage ? Both adults contributing to your family life. There shouldn't be any "let" about it, it's more about co-ordinating diaries so obviously someone is there for your dd.

Going out 3 - 4 times a week is a lot in most people's books. Once you have a young child, then it is a HUGE amount. You seem to have become very isolated from other adults to chat to and get any sort of reality check - once again, another reason to go and join something where you are spending time with other adults.

wherearemymarbles · 14/02/2017 22:51

I have never been out socialising by myself 3 or 4 times IN week let alone 3-4 times A week and our eldest is 10!

We both go out of course but simple rule, we eithet go out together on a Friday or Saturday or we dont go at all.

I must say your wife does seem to be showing typically male behaviour. If you want your marriage to survive long term you are going to to put some boundaries in place and tell her she is being a dick.

crazyhead · 14/02/2017 23:05

Hmm. well, me and my husband both have full on jobs (kids 3 and 5) though I pack my blatantly full time job into 4 days. On my day off with kids I work damn hard sorting what I can but my husband often does little home chores in work lunch hours etc and when he gets home I hand straight over and go for a run. I have done both maternity leave and full on work and I found childcare harder and with less time off. On mat leave my husband made every effort to get home as early as possible and out of work hours (weekends, eves) we've always worked on the principle of equal leisure time - when we're together, we split the fun stuff and the boring stuff.

I might be unfair but it sounds as though your wife may be having a cheeky crack at playing the 1950s husband. I wouldn't stick it personally. She doesn't get adulation and r and r just for doing a job. Fix up dates with your friends, get some sporting/social/other leisure commitments of your own and make it clear it isn't going to work that way.

Original poster

user1487012581 · 14/02/2017 23:22

Thank you for all your support. I understand you don't get men post on here very often so I appreciate the advice a lot. I'm going to work on trying to organise at least one social activity a week.

I think it's partly to do with her job. They go out a lot after work and then she sees non work friends on the weekend. This is where she grew up so now we've moved back here she knows quite a few people. I think part of the problem is our relationship has gone downhill a bit recently. It's Valentine's tonight and She's gone out for a girly meal with a few girlfriends

OP posts:

NettleTea · 14/02/2017 23:48

how come she is not introducing you to her local friends - do they not have partners? I can understand her not including you in work mates, but again, she has a young child and so she really doesnt need to be involved in the after works drinks - thats just fun, not work.

Valentines - gone out with some girls for a meal?? WTF?? Thats bloody mean. How do you feel about that. DP and I dont live together, we've been together 13 years, and have a DS together. Tonight he brought me a takeaway and came round. Id have been really upset if he went out with his mates. And Im not even that bothered about Valentines

SpiritedLondon · 14/02/2017 23:49

Jesus OP don't ask her tell her that you need to start doing more stuff outside the home and she needs to step up. 3-4 times a week? I'm speechless too! In what world is that not a lot ? Once your DD starts nursery or school it becomes easier to meet other people but in the meantime maybe there's a dad's group at a local children's centre.?

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