DD's diary - "I miss my HOY's attention" what???

[Clipstroo]

Hi, DD is 16 and left her diary out. It's not like I went sneaking around for it.

One sentence that really stood out was "I miss my HOY's attention" and HOY means Head Of Year. She was very close to her Head Of Year, due to there being some behavioural issues/self-harm and she was always very patient. But I do provide DD with lots of attention, I'm here for her. I'd do anything for her. I don't see how she can miss the attention from her - what does that even mean? DD has now left school and is doing an apprenticeship which has less emotional support so I get that, but I'm here for her and emotional support isn't exactly 'attention'.

It doesn't mean anything, really. She's 16, most likely got herself a bit of a crush. Seriously, you have nothing to be jealous of. Just because she misses attention from one person that has left her life doesn't mean that she thinks you don't love her or craves more attention from you.

Just because she left her diary out doesn't mean you had to read it. How about respecting her boundaries?

You still read it though! Even if not 'sneaking about'!!

Why are you reading her diary?

Go to Waterstones and buy some books.

Wow. Where are your boundaries? She left her diary out and you read it. Huge invasion of privacy. She shouldn't have to hide her things in her own home, it should be one place where she always feels safe in the knowledge that people aren't going to go through her stuff.

So not only do you not have any boundaries about reading her diary: the poor girl is not allowed to appreciate support or attention she gets from any other person in the world???

Well you looked!

not only have you invaded her privacy by reading her diary but you are having a very bad reaction to what it said. That was not written for you to see and has nothing to do with you, its simply your daughter expressing her feelings in what she thought was a safe private way. You sound incredibly jealous or insecure and i think you need to do something about that because its extremely unhealthy. I get that it must have been hard for you with your daughters issues but you will only add to the problems with this level of emotional invasiveness.

See that emotional support thing. It involves not reading the diary. You are not being supportive by reading the diary.

I have supported my own dd through depression and self-harming, so I know how much it takes over your life, but it really, really does not give us the right to claim that all their lives should be tied up with ours or that they should be obliged to take all their support from us. Your dd will soon be a young adult: she has as much right to her independence and other human relationships as any young woman without behavioural or emotional issues.

Oh gosh... I really think people have taken this the wrong way. I didn't go looking for her diary with a plan to sit and read it. I was worried she was suicidal or something.

I just don't see why she wrote it as 'attention'. That was all.

I think that shows significant self-awareness from one so young. Not 'I miss my HoY' but ' I miss my HoY's attention'.

What is wrong with attention? Why should she not be allowed to want and appreciate attention from more than one person?

How do you define attention?

At first I wondered if you had read attention as something sexual- but then I saw that you said your dd gets plenty of attention from you, so that can't be what you're thinking of.

Why would she be suicidal? Huge backstory?

The reason I think 'attention' is quite a big deal is because it sounds like she went out of her way to get her attention at school, so purposely missbehaving/self-harming.

No, not a huge backstory, but she did self-harm (like I said in my OP)

if you think someone is suicidal its better to try and talk to them rather than read their diary. Its important for your daughter to feel she has a safe private place to write about her thoughts if you invade that how is she going to express herself and work through her feelings?

I haven't taken it the wrong way.
You invaded her privacy and read the thing.
You could have put it down and not read it but instead you chose to read it. Now it's bitten you on the arse because she has written something you don't like. Which is the point of a diary to write your thoughts down knowing they are safe, well unless you live with someone who is nosy and lacks trust

I'm not saying I think she self-harmed for attention but she may have done it more to 'get her attention'. I don't know really.

I have dealt with a suicidal daughter, and I still think it is very unwise to invade their privacy in this way. As the suicide team at the local hospital once pointed out to me, whatever I did I could never keep dd safe 24/7: there would always be a moment when I went to sleep or had to go to the loo. The only thing that could keep her safe was dd herself. And if that involved getting help from other people, or deciding for herself how much she shared with me, that was all good- what mattered was that she could trust me.

You should never have read her diary.

Common misconception about self harm. People do not choose to hurt themselves for attention.
I am prepared to be corrected.

Clipstroo Thu 12-Jan-17 01:29:38
"I'm not saying I think she self-harmed for attention but she may have done it more to 'get her attention'. I don't know really."

The only way you will ever know is by winning her trust. And even then, you can never hope to know everything about her or understand everything.