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Original poster

DD's diary - "I miss my HOY's attention" what???

151 replies

Clipstroo · 12/01/2017 01:01

Hi, DD is 16 and left her diary out. It's not like I went sneaking around for it.

One sentence that really stood out was "I miss my HOY's attention" and HOY means Head Of Year. She was very close to her Head Of Year, due to there being some behavioural issues/self-harm and she was always very patient. But I do provide DD with lots of attention, I'm here for her. I'd do anything for her. I don't see how she can miss the attention from her - what does that even mean? Confused DD has now left school and is doing an apprenticeship which has less emotional support so I get that, but I'm here for her and emotional support isn't exactly 'attention'.

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 12/01/2017 08:40

My mum read my diary when I was 14 or 15. Twenty years later.I am still angry and hurt when I think about it. Like you she justified it to herself. But it isn't justifiable. It's a terrible breach of privacy and the person who does it never gets trusted again.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 12/01/2017 08:41

Age 14ish I had a brilliant teacher who supported me and was a listening ear when I was going through problems at home (mum remarrying, 3 step siblings moving in and then stepfather and children leaving within the same year). She listened to me when I didn't feel I could talk to my mum.

She left at the end of that year on Mat Leave and I felt a little bit lost - actually stayed in touch over the years and she came to my wedding! Smile

I don't think that sentence is anything to be alarmed about.

CakesRUs · 12/01/2017 08:42

I'd have read the diary for sure. Sounds normal to me, what she wrote.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2017 08:46

Seriously, you think she may be suicidal but you're only posting about the attention from her head of year? That's messed up.

There is a big leap from self harming to suicidal, why do you think that? You need to talk to her if this is the case and see what help she needs.

Sorry I'm struggling with your focus here.

user1483945709 · 12/01/2017 08:49

Self harm does not equal attention seeking, usually quite the opposite. It's internalising and a way of coping with feelings.

Your dd must have found her HOY helpful, that's not to say she doesn't find you helpful too. Different relationship are helpful, in different ways.

Personally, I would just reassure that you are always there for her and don't mind sharing her worries.

offside · 12/01/2017 08:49

Whether the diary was out or not, that does not give you the right to read it.

I grew up with a mother who needed and needs control over EVERYTHING and I have a very poor relationship with her because of it. On the surface at times it looks OK, but as soon as I stand up for myself and put her in her place, she won't talk to me for days sometimes weeks. She too used to read my diaries and to this day I don't trust her, I never will, and it's a crying shame that a child can't trust the one person who is supposed to look after them and support them unconditionally.

You are an adult, you should know how to communicate with your DD and treat her in a way that she WANTS to open up to you if she is worried or scared or going through a bad time. But her diary is hers and her inner thoughts that no one else has a right to.

MrsJayy · 12/01/2017 08:50

1 of my adult Dds had a very good relationship with her English teacher she was a bloody good teacher helped dd through a lot supported her through her English exams dd has a LD and dd passed her exams and i think it if it wasnt for this woman she wouldn't have got through it. What im trying to say that we should be happy and reassured that there is other people looking out for our childrens needs.

caffelatte100 · 12/01/2017 08:50

If I was at all worried about my child, I would have read the diary too...

shinynewusername · 12/01/2017 08:52

you have taken away one of your child’s coping mechanisms

This

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/01/2017 08:52

Well reading her diary is not exactly help her with her issues is it? You sound like you are jealous that she misses the attention she got from another adult

Crumbs1 · 12/01/2017 08:52

I totally disagree about diaries, online profiles and texts. I agree it was probably a crush.
I get really irritated by parents doing the " You can't know where they are 24 hours a day" business. Of course you can, its your job as a parent to do so - particularly in teenage years.
I similarly worry that parents "respecting their child's privacy" is an abdication of responsibility. I have always (until adulthood) looked at my kids online presence and read their diaries and texts. Not neurotically but enough for them to know I remained responsible for them and would discuss and act upon concerns. In doing so I have picked up numerous issues at an early stage and nipped in the bud - to the child's relief. Includes a son breaking up with a girlfriend being accused by girls friend of being a rapist on Facebook. I used Facebook to have a conversation with the girl and get her to apologise and take post down. I had spoken to girlfriend first to ensure he had behaved chivalrously. I also picked up some rather nasty spiteful bullying that was stopping my daughter wanting to go to India with the school. We were able to support our daughter to address the issue with the school and got her to ensure the accommodation arrangements were changed to ensure she didn't miss out.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/01/2017 08:53

Don't expect her to trust or confide in you about the important stuff if this is how you treat something that is totally private

VivDeering · 12/01/2017 08:57

Where was the diary left out?

I don't get what attention she missed though.

I suspect it was along the lines of mutual respect, trust and someone being interested in her and not making it all about them.

Seriously OP your behaviour is really unacceptable here.

Cherryskypie · 12/01/2017 08:57

'chivalrously'

Sure Hmm

Don't read diaries.

redexpat · 12/01/2017 08:58

You know the saying it takes a whole village to raise a child? I think that is what this is about. Sometimes you just have a better chemistry with someobe who is an adult in a professional setting. It might be a crush it might not. It's really nothing personal.

And agree with everyone about the reading of the diary. Bad idea.

Littleballerina · 12/01/2017 08:58

I would be more worried about you reading the diary than what it says.
The attention doesn't mean she self harmed for attention. Maybe she just found someone that she 'clicked' with.

VivDeering · 12/01/2017 08:59

'chivalrously' well, there we go, how to assess whether someone is a rapist or not Hmm.

MrsJayy · 12/01/2017 09:00

Oh absolutely it takes a village.

springydaffs · 12/01/2017 09:01

She isn't your property, you know. She is her own person, with her own thoughts and her own relationships.

It was a gross violation to read her diary. Do not justify it - there is simply no justification for such a huge violation.

And then to make it all about you! How dare you make it all about you. She is at an age where your role is becoming more and more incidental.

Give her her OWN space, her own life, her own relationships. Back off.

user1483945709 · 12/01/2017 09:03

I think the OP is getting a hard time here, what's done is done.

'Missing attention' sometimes children find it more difficult to speak to parents about worries. Not because you are a bad parent, just they want to protect you and not worry you.

Does your dd have a close relationship with anyone else? Maybe a visit to the GP if she feels she needs to talk someone?

springydaffs · 12/01/2017 09:05

i think the OP is getting a hard time here

For good reason.

MistressMaisie · 12/01/2017 09:05

I would say you have a duty to find out what you can about the thoughts of a DD who is self harming.
No wonder it is so common if poor troubled teens are left to sink or swim, they are teens not adults.
I would say that as a pupil at school you are one of very many, some of whom may be constantly attention seeking by their behavior. Sounds like she likes the HOY a lot and was pleased to have one to one with an adult whom she admires. Who is, naturally in her role, able to give understanding and useful advice. I don't think it's much more than that.

Teens don't often have non family adults they can turn to.

VivDeering · 12/01/2017 09:05

I think the OP is getting a hard time here,

Yes, because not only did she read her daughter's diary, she then dismissed any criticism of it as if she was justified in doing so!

MrsJayy · 12/01/2017 09:07

I do think the op is getting a hard time, no she shouldn't have read her diary yes it was an invasion but she was worried and the op is confused and looking for a bit of advice .

VivDeering · 12/01/2017 09:08

I would say you have a duty to find out what you can about the thoughts of a DD who is self harming.

I would say you have a duty to support and protect a person who is self harming. Invading their privacy is neither. Anyway, that's not OP's concern is it? She's preoccupied with her jealousy.

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