DD's diary - "I miss my HOY's attention" what???

[Clipstroo]

Hi, DD is 16 and left her diary out. It's not like I went sneaking around for it.

One sentence that really stood out was "I miss my HOY's attention" and HOY means Head Of Year. She was very close to her Head Of Year, due to there being some behavioural issues/self-harm and she was always very patient. But I do provide DD with lots of attention, I'm here for her. I'd do anything for her. I don't see how she can miss the attention from her - what does that even mean? DD has now left school and is doing an apprenticeship which has less emotional support so I get that, but I'm here for her and emotional support isn't exactly 'attention'.

This thread isn't about the OP or her dd anymore, it's turned into some self righteous bollox!

I'm bailing out. A link for the OP if she is still reading
www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/mental-health-services-explained/Pages/accessing%20services.aspx

What's the difference between that and everyone insisting we have our children's device passwords so we can check up on them? Genuinely puzzled.

Because one is checking they aren't talking to inappropriate people, aren't sending dodgy pictures, being groomed or bullied or reading inappropriate stuff.

The other is reading their own private thoughts and self expression. How are the two anything alike?

Diaries can be incredibly important. I've kept a diary since I was about 12. It has been incredibly important in terms of helping me process some very big thoughts and feelings over the year, during some very bad periods of mental health, during bereavement, during adolescent upheaval. I wrote about loss, love, sex, confusion. I first learned to track my moods when I was diagnosed bipolar in it. I've written rambling entries when psychotic, I wrote self indulgent crap about unrequited and cringy crushes. I came out about fancying girls in that diary years before I told my mum.

The very thought of someone reading it makes me want to curl up and die. And if I ever thought my mother would have done (thank god she had decent boundaries) I would never have written in it again and would have lost a very important coping mechanism.

OP - ignore the diary entry. It is none of your business. You shouldn't have read it. Just try and move on. And don't read the diary again.

Oh and OP please feel free to pm me, if you would like a less public chat.

I hardly think that pointing out tha

A) Making your child's problems all about you and how it makes you feel and being jealous of another significant relationship that appeared emotionally beneficial to your child

and

B) Violating your child's trust, sneaking a look at their private thoughts (mental/emotional rape) and justifying it because the opportunity was 'there' (victim blaming)

is a pile of self-righteous bollocks.

Poster after poster confirming that when their parent read their diary it was hurtful and invasive and meant they didn't trust their parent again, and still parents who do this to their children insist that actually it's totally fine? No wonder we have a young people's mental health crisis.

If you violate her privacy by reading her diary and feel jealous that she is attached to other people, you are smothering her. Think about how that impacts on her mental health.

Really heartening to see that most parents on this thread are taking the kind and correct approach to their kids' privacy. Never read a diary. What the hell is wrong with you? If my DDs' diaries were open on a desk I would leave the room and go and busy myself with something else immediately. I would never, never, never read their diaries.

They have little notebooks now (they're 10 and 9) which they doodle in and write little poems and stuff, and I won't even go anywhere near those.

My parents thought, like Mistress and a couple of others, that having a responsibility for my safety meant I was theirs to own. That attitude has meant that, although I love my parents very much, I don't trust them or approach them with anything real.

I also suspect that the OP and her DD have a very unhealthy relationship. The phrasing used is quite worrying - she doesn't like her daughter looking for attention outside the family, doesn't think she should need support away from mother, self harms for attention, thinks if the diary hasn't been hidden it is fair game.

I am also suspicious about this sudden drip feed that the daughter might be suicidal - self harm and suicide are a long way apart and complaining that the daughter misses the HoY attention seems an odd concern if her MH is that bad. I wonder if it's the family that need help rather than just the daughter.

I used to self harm. It was not for attention.
You shouldn't read her diary, that's wrong. Even if she's suicidal.

You can't be so possessive and jealous about your daughter's relationship with others, she is growing up and will find other people. It's just how it works.

Fuck me, now we have a specialist psychiatrist on the thread!

Give the OP a break, she read the diary, which was left laying around, as she had concerns her dd was self harming for attention, might be suicidal. Hardly crime of the century.

The OP needed some guidance, advice and support, not a flaming

User - actually we have many, many posters who know exactly how violating it is to have your innermost thoughts probed without your permission and I'd hazard a guess that a few of us also know what it is like to be brought up with a parent who's mindset is thus that they believe that they should be their child's be all and end all (engulfment).

It can be incredibly damaging and have far-reaching consequences.

Yes and many, many, many posters have pointed out the diary should not have been read, time and time again.

The bigger picture is her dd is self harming, suicidal and maybe in need of some help.

Pointless debate now anyhow as it looks like the OP has left the thread

User, and perhaps it's the OP who is in need of help if she is jealous of her daughter being attached to other people.

That's a big assumption to make, that she is jealous of her dd being attached to others and subjective.

Being a parent to a child who suffers with mental health issues and internalises by self harming, is a confusing business for any parent.

Blaming the parent, is extremely unhelpful

Mumsnet is weird, someone posts about their husband being dodgy/cheating, and everyone is up for evidence gathering. No one responds with chat about it being an invasion of his privacy etc.

Whereas a concerned mum whose daughter had had MH problems, looks at her diary, and there is a witch hunt.

OP I think you did the correct thing, with this info, you can start a conversation with her, say she has been hearing good things about this teacher, did she like him? What did he do to make her like him. This knowledge can help you to create a dialogue where you can understand your child's needs and state of mental health.

I know my kids social profiles, internet search history. I will, if I have concerns read their diaries. I don't see this as an invasion because I consider it my role to help and guide them through their childhood.

The OP didn't post on MN because she was concerned that her daughter was self-harming. She posted because she read her diary and her daughter had said that she missed her HOY's attention.

But I do provide DD with lots of attention, I'm here for her. I'd do anything for her. I don't see how she can miss the attention from her - what does that even mean?

The spence before your copy mentioned her self harming.

Sentence even.

I just don't get the flaming, if my kids were self harming, I would be a mess trying to get to the bottom of how I can help him/her. I don't think the OP deserves the vitriol she has been given.

HOY means Head Of Year. She was very close to her Head Of Year, due to there being some behavioural issues/self-harm

fwiw generally self harming, is a way of internalising emotions and feelings to cope with them. The emphasis being on internalising i.e. Person finds it difficult to express. Making it difficult for those around them to know what they worry about or self harm.

OP was confused, as to whether her dd was self harming to get the attention of HT.

If the OP's mindset was one of wanting to support her daughter's needs then she wouldn't have been busy worrying about why her attention wasn't enough for her daughter.

That is a very self-centred reaction to someone else's problem and is not a helpful nor healthy approach to helping to fix the issues.

If your child had mental health issues, self harmed, suicidal thoughts, wouldn't you wonder why they didn't come to you? Wouldn't you find it all a bit confusing?

Yes, I would wonder and the first thing I would be asking myself is: What behaviours have I been exhibiting to cause her to feel she cannot emotionally trust me?

The second question would be to ask myself would be: Are there other people my child can turn to right now?

And the third question would be: what literature can I read/who can I talk to to find out how to rebuild their trust in me whilst honouring and accepting that this isn't about me and that my child has a right to confide in other safe adults without my needing to know the ins and outs of the conversations they have with other safe adults.

I understand how parents have to control social media but it's shocking that someone can't keep a private diary of their own thoughts without having to lock it away.