DD's diary - "I miss my HOY's attention" what???

[Clipstroo]

Hi, DD is 16 and left her diary out. It's not like I went sneaking around for it.

One sentence that really stood out was "I miss my HOY's attention" and HOY means Head Of Year. She was very close to her Head Of Year, due to there being some behavioural issues/self-harm and she was always very patient. But I do provide DD with lots of attention, I'm here for her. I'd do anything for her. I don't see how she can miss the attention from her - what does that even mean? DD has now left school and is doing an apprenticeship which has less emotional support so I get that, but I'm here for her and emotional support isn't exactly 'attention'.

It may have nothing to do with trust. There are a number of reasons children internalising their emotions and feelings. Or they simply might not want not want to worry their parent.

2nd question is valid and might have been more constructive to advise the OP on, rather than flame.

Oh and 3rd question is another big assumption.

Look at the thread title. Is the OP concerned about supporting her DD re. self-harming or is she concerned about her DD missing her old HOY?

The bottom line on this is NEVER NEVER to read your children's diaries.

Well the OP mentioned the self harm and asked what does attention even mean. Then said she was concerned about her dd being suicidal further down. To me, she just seemed confused trying to make sense of it all and maybe needed some input from professionals.

Let's hope you are right and thread was about missing HT and OP had no real concerns.

We we probably never know, as OP was scared off by all the flame throwers!

If your child had mental health issues, self harmed, suicidal thoughts, wouldn't you wonder why they didn't come to you? Wouldn't you find it all a bit confusing?

With the best will in the world, it's not about the parent. I say that as someone who self harmed and was suicidal from the age of 15.

Someone reading my diary would have made things so much worse as that's one less person to trust.

It's not a massive assumption at all

Aside from the invasion of privacy issue over the diary, the OP'S thread title alone is indeed very telling. I cannot for the life of me understand why the idea of a child needing and getting attention and help from their Head of Year would be so baffling to the OP. After all, that's a large part of a Head of Year's role.

And there has been no flaming that I can see, more honest comment.

Totally not about the parent, I agree. Nonetheless confusing and hard to understand for a parent. Which is why I was urging the OP to speak to professionals, rather than blaming her for being confused by it all.

The title immediately gives away the OPs mindset - it is all about her.

Op, this is not about you. Of she for married you would not sit there and say " I obviously didn't give her enough attention ". In sorry to be harsh, but it sound like you need to stand back a bit as n FD let her flower into the beautiful thing she no doubt is. A mother can't meet all their child's needs as they grow into an adult, and the aim of a mother is to work themselves out of a job by passing on skills and beliefs that will set her on her way in life.

We are all making assumptions, including me. OP never came back to clarify one way or another.

This thread isn't about the OP or her dd anymore, it's turned into some self righteous bollox!

Hear, Hear!

I haven't left the thread, I'm reading through now.

My mother read my teenage diary. She thought it was ok to read because it wasn't hidden. I didn't hide it because she promised me when she bought me it that it was private and she would never read it. I trusted her. It damaged our relationship.

A school friend of mine took an overdose because her mother read her diary. She survived but was in hospital for a while.The family relationship never fully recovered.

OP personally I would hand the diary back to your dd, saying oh you left it laying around. Then ask is there anything she wants to discuss and tell her she can talk to you if she ever feels the need. Don't tell her you read it.

In future, IF you have concerns, go directly to your dd and ask her. Serious concerns take her to GP. Don't read her diary.

user1483945709 Thu 12-Jan-17 11:43:55
"If your child had mental health issues, self harmed, suicidal thoughts, wouldn't you wonder why they didn't come to you? Wouldn't you find it all a bit confusing?"

I can assure you that when my dd was self-harming and suicidal, wondering why she didn't come to me was not the top of my list of priorities. The absolutely only thing that seemed to matter was that she should be safe, not that I should be the one to keep her safe, let alone that nobody else should be able to meet her needs. I understood very well why there might be others who were better placed to help her, precisely because they did not care so much about her and she did not care so much about them.

Sorry, that first sentence sounded unnecessarily aggressive. But the situation was a bit like if she had fallen into the sea, or was caught up in a fire: I would not be hurt that she let herself be saved by the lifeguard though I was there. I can swim, but the lifeguard has been specially trained and is less likely to be panicking.

OP, are you getting outside help for your dd? And are you getting any outside support for yourself?

Cory, I certainly needed some help from professionals for my ds, to help me make sense of it all.

My point being, it can be confusing for parents, we sometimes need some guidance, not a flaming

I do get that, user, and I have found MN enormously supportive in the past precisely for that reason.

I think some unfortunate wording may worked against the OP on this thread. If she had come on and said "I feel upset and confused and need to work through my feelings", I think she would have got a better reception. Instead she seemed to be blaming the dd and suggesting that she had no right to access help from elsewhere because her mother's attention ought to be enough for her. But it may just have been the wording. That's the problem of the internet.

I was lucky my ds told me his worries. Even so, I didn't quite get how his worries resulted in him having to self harm and neither did my ds.

It took years of therapy and professional advice, which is ongoing.

If my ds didn't tell me his worries, at his worst points, I might have been tempted to read a diary to try and gain some insight and to try and help

Yep wording might be the problem and/or what you read into it.

Personally I took that OP was confused as to whether her dd's self harm and behaviour was to get attention from HT. Although unlikely, not totally out of the question. Self harm in itself is not a mental health issue, there is usually a reason for it. Trying to find the reason is important, in terms of getting professional help. OP may have thought reading a diary would give her insight.

My mother used to read my diary and stall me on Internet message boards. She has absolutely no boundaries. She also did the gaslighting thing of "you left it accessible, you must have wanted me to read it". She also used mental health concerns as an excuse to violate my privacy over and over again, even long after they were in the past.

It was symptomatic of a very poor relationship where she couldn't respect my rights or personhood.

She still holds the things she read against me too. We are NC now.