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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum doesn't like my new man

114 replies

user1475242598 · 30/09/2016 14:50

I am 34 and from an EU country (here for 8 years), and have been seeing a widowed 53 year old professional Englishman for 4 months. We met through a religion-based dating website - he is very devout, and it is important for my husband and me to share the same religion. He has five children (28-9years old) and is keen to have more with me.

Mum came for a holiday last week and met my boyfriend - he invited us to his house for a meal, cooked by his eldest daughter and daughter-in-law (married to eldest son). Mum has decided that he is not right for me; too old, already has kids, and when I have children with him, he wants to retire while I go out to work and he and his eldest daughter care for our babies and his kids.

Also, Mum understands more English than she speaks, and while we were out collecting his son from rugby, his daughter and daughter-in-law sat in the other room mimicking her accent and saying bad things about me.

My boyfriend is lovely, and I feel he is my last chance at having children of my own - previous boyfriends have cheated or been violent. Mum thinks I would be going into an unhappy situation. I am not sure what to do - what do you think?

OP posts:
BabooshkaKate · 30/09/2016 14:53

I'm sorry but I agree. He is too old, nearing retirement age and you will be left looking after a baby on your own. You may as well use a sperm donor and reduce the risks if you'll be on your own anyway.

I don't think you should be tied in to a family who mocks you, either.

ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2016 14:54

4 months?

4 months?!

You don't even know him!

stitchglitched · 30/09/2016 14:54

Listen to your Mum!

OlennasWimple · 30/09/2016 14:55

At 34 you will have plenty more chances.

I would be wary of someone who has five children already and after only a few months is keen to have more with you.

His daughter and DiL sound childish and vile. If they really don't like you, don't underestimate the impact that can have on your relationship.

Apart from his religion and willingness to have children, what is it that you see in your DP?

ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2016 14:55

And why the hell couldn't he cook the meal himself? Why was his daughter and daughter in law roped in?

Original poster
user1475242598 · 30/09/2016 14:55

He is keen for us to get engaged at Christmas, and marry before Easter. I am feeling that he is rushing me along somewhat.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2016 14:58

Are you mad? This is very very unwise.

VERY.

Original poster
user1475242598 · 30/09/2016 14:58

They are a very traditional family (Christian denomination), and his late wife and he told his daughters that marrying and having kids was their main role in life. Both daughter and daughter-in-law are very vocal about men and women taking on traditional roles, and insist on doing all of the cooking and housework, as they have been taught.

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 30/09/2016 15:01

I think your mum is right here, sorry. Even you think he is rushing things. Do you really want your future children to be raised by their step sibling (who by the sounds of it has little respect for you or your family) while you go out to work, as he is planning??
If I were you I'd run like the wind, sorry.

OlennasWimple · 30/09/2016 15:05

Blimey! Listen to your mum and run for the hills! (And tell him his DD and DIL are rude arses too)

minmooch · 30/09/2016 15:09

So his daughters have been raised to only hold traditional jobs, cook, clean. But you would be expected to have a child/ren and go out to work leaving the baby/ies with a step- sister. All sounds a bit weird to me. And after only 4 months?

You are only 34. You have time to meet someone more your own age who would treat you with more respect.

Listen to your Mumon this one.

ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2016 15:09

And this is what you want yourself? The traditional role?

Cos if you want to be in the house cooking and cleaning then what's the problem exactly?

ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2016 15:11

Wait, I missed the bit where he wants to marry you for your paycheck.

You won't even get to be your own kids mother. His daughter will be.

Oh yeah, he's a prince.

Original poster
user1475242598 · 30/09/2016 15:14

He was one of the few men who replied to me on the website, and apart from a few comments about his late wife, has always been kind and respectful towards me. The men I've met nearer my own age are either not interested in me, or have behaved badly.

Elspeth, after several years establishing myself in the UK, I had hoped to settle down and spend time at home with my future children. However, the situation as it stands means that he will be the one at home, along with his children, who are privately tutored.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2016 15:17

You seem desperate enough to be considering this future prison.

But it would be a mistake.

Original poster
user1475242598 · 30/09/2016 15:17

He isn't intending to marry me for my money - his own father is very wealthy, and he will inherit when father passes away. His father helps him out with money when he needs it for his children's education, or bits and pieces for the house. He has told me that his sister and brother-in-law are alcoholics, so his father rewrote the will so that he gets everything.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/09/2016 15:18

Oh no - run from this one - far and fast.
Listen to your Mother.
Contact Womens Aid and ask them about their Freedom Programme.
You've been in abusive relationships before and this one has so many red flags flying it's scary. And you are ignoring each and every one of them.

You are only a few years older that his DD. I'm not surprised they don't like this set up. I would be like my DD getting together with someone a bit older than me - creepy - sorry!

So imagine, you have a baby in about 2 years. He's 55.
So when your DC is 15 your DH will be 70!!!
No thanks very much.

Do the Freedom Programme and do it soon!

hellsbellsmelons · 30/09/2016 15:20

That is - It would be like my Dad!!!! DD was meant as Darling Dad but it's not right - eeekkk....

Landoni112 · 30/09/2016 15:20

Run for the hills, the situation sounds awful.
Have you even got any feelings for the guy, or is it just an arrangement this marriage idea?
4 months is too soon even without all the other stuff.
The way you describe it, it sounds like you are signing up for slavery to this man and his family.

TheNaze73 · 30/09/2016 15:23

4 months???? You can't get to know someone that quickly.

Your mum is right here

expatinscotland · 30/09/2016 15:23

Are you on glue?! Listen to your mother! Jesus wept, this old man just wants to use you as a brood mare and then take the children. FUCK THAT FOR A GAME OF SOLDIERS!

Duckafuck · 30/09/2016 15:23

Usually I'm all for people doing what makes them happy and stuff everyone else but your mum is right. It sounds like you're only staying in the relationship because you feel he's your last chance for happiness and not because you love and want to be with him. You're only 34, you have time still, don't throw your life away on someone you're only settling for. His daughters sound awful by the way.

GinIsIn · 30/09/2016 15:24

So he will be expecting you to go out and do all the earning, plus be a 'traditional' wife who does the cooking and cleaning, and your children will be farmed out to women who speak horribly about you and your mother? He sounds like such a catch.... Hmm

If you already feel like he is rushing you that's because he is - you are his meal ticket!

Your mum has this one spot on - I'm sorry but you should run for the hills! Better to be alone and wait for the right person than marry someone awful like this!

ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2016 15:26

If he doesn't need your money, then they is he going to retire the minute he gets you down the aisle but insist you keep working, whilst taking your baby off you?

SpringTown46 · 30/09/2016 15:26

Your mum is right.