Mum doesn't like my new man

[user1475242598]

I am 34 and from an EU country (here for 8 years), and have been seeing a widowed 53 year old professional Englishman for 4 months. We met through a religion-based dating website - he is very devout, and it is important for my husband and me to share the same religion. He has five children (28-9years old) and is keen to have more with me.

Mum came for a holiday last week and met my boyfriend - he invited us to his house for a meal, cooked by his eldest daughter and daughter-in-law (married to eldest son). Mum has decided that he is not right for me; too old, already has kids, and when I have children with him, he wants to retire while I go out to work and he and his eldest daughter care for our babies and his kids.

Also, Mum understands more English than she speaks, and while we were out collecting his son from rugby, his daughter and daughter-in-law sat in the other room mimicking her accent and saying bad things about me.

My boyfriend is lovely, and I feel he is my last chance at having children of my own - previous boyfriends have cheated or been violent. Mum thinks I would be going into an unhappy situation. I am not sure what to do - what do you think?

He sounds like a complete religious nutcase. His family sound awful. Your family sound great; I'd listen to them.

I haven't read every reply but I think you are right to have doubts. For a start you never mention love but you are talking about marriage. Marriage and kids is very hard and I think if you don't do it with someone you love you could end up hating each other.

I agree he sounds awful, run a mile.

As for you, 34 is not that old. I know it must be scary, feeling you are running out of time but don't settle for someone who is not right. Lots of my friends got married in their late 30s and are just starting to have babies. My neighbour only met her husband at 35/36 and she has 4 kids and is relishing her role as a stay at home mum.

"I am inclined to break it off; he said that he didn't want to meet anyone over 40. This is partly due to the fertility issue, and partly because he doesn't find older women attractive and would find the physical side of the relationship impossible."

So what happens when you do turn 40? How will he treat you then? And what has persuaded him that he is good enough for a younger woman despite being on the wrong side of 50?

Hissy puts it perfectly:

"He thinks HE has the currency to give you, a woman in the prime of her life an ultimatum?"

This doesn't sound like anyone from the 21st century. Yy to building a strange cult. Really weird op.

My close friend is Catholic by the way (works in that area, religious wise) - wouldn't surprise me what some of their views are...

cory I did meet a male ex colleague recently who wanted to settle down and is 43/44, he was I think sounding me out (even though I'm above his age range) and said the same thing re women in 40s and fertility. He's only ever met nut cases where he lives/works now!

Oh gosh, OP, you are RC, that's a very big pond to fish in, you don't have to settle for this frankly creepy situation.

It sounds like you need the Freedom Programme and a bit of therapy to help you put your boundaries in place. Your mum and brother sound absolutely lovely.

Have shown this thread to an English friend - she also told me to run away very fast because no way is he an English gentleman! She met him when we were out together, and noticed that despite his quiet, measured way of speaking, several things he said about other people seemed spiteful. He seems to be one of the (fortunately) rare religious people who use their faith to look and feel good about themselves, while being unkind and disrespectful to others.

I phoned him to say that it would be better if we split, and I felt that someone nearer his age would be a better for him and for his children. I also pointed out that if his wife had not passed away he would be living with a middle-aged woman, and that any younger woman he chooses will also get older - that is the nature of life! He had no answer to that, and started telling me about how horribly his late wife had treated him. He is planning to go to the Philippines if it can be arranged to meet another contact from the website, who is age 29.

As my English friend puts it, he's a piece of work. How do I warn the ladies in Asia about him!

Thank you all - will be sending my Mum a big bouquet.

If he's that strict RC presumably he doesn't believe in contraception and intends to serially impregnate you?

Run, now. For that reason and so many more

Sorry cross post. So glad to hear your update!

And what is he offering you apart from the chance to be a baby machine for him? You wouldn't even be allowed to raise your own child - your BF and his daughter would be doing the parenting. You just pop babies out and hand over your paycheque.

He sounds like a pig to be brutally honest. Doesn't want a woman over 40, only wants "pure" women, is telling you that if you don't rush into marriage he's going to start talking to these other women online again...and this is only 4 months in! Imagine how controlling he'll be when you're carrying his child.

Listen to your mum - run far and run fast.

No, he and his late wife did not believe in contraception. All his daughters have been told it is a sin, and they will damage their reproductive system if they use contraception. His wife had ten pregnancies; combined with her disability, my BF was told that it shortened her life.

You sound lovely, I am glad that you had a lucky escape

Bullet dodged op!

He is NOT lovely!

He is planning to go to the Philippines if it can be arranged to meet another contact from the website, who is age 29 .

So there is no love for you from his side then is there.....this was to be a business arrangement that only he would benefit from. I'm so sorry if that sounds harsh, but that is all it is.

I know someone very much like him, and he has a younger Thai wife. He's a bastard to her, but she is very much of the 'woman is subservient to the man' view, and he loves it. He dominates what she wears, says, does, goes........ everything!
funnily enough after a couple of very short conversations with me he keeps on his best behaviour and at a distance , as he knows I can see straight through him and won't take his crap.

You are ONLY 34. you are a youngster to this old gimmer anyhoo who knows what fabulous things are waiting for you in life. I now live with a darling man who I met at the grand old age of 47, and who was worth waiting for.
Don't sell yourself short. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than what this mean, mealy mouthed ,dictatorial crawly creep.

Be free, be wild, be loved, truly loved by someone who's worth your love. He will be worth waiting for.

Crikey, does he own a time machine too because it sure as hell doesn't sound like he's living in the 21st century

Please trust your mum, & RUN!!! This is a car crash waiting to happen, you sound so desperate & you will not make a sensible decision

FTR, you have plenty of time - at 40 I was happily single & starting to realise my time for kids had passed, bad relationship choices & common sense enough to know not to have kids in past relationships too

By 40 I was happily planning my future life with someone I had known well for 20 odd years, never thought we would get together though as timing was never right , by 41 married to him with DCs & still very happy some 15 years later

Please listen to your mum & don't throw your life away on a dream that looks set to turn out to be your worst nightmare

Don't throw

It all sounds very surreal and cult like. I agree with the poster who mentioned David Koresh and the Amish.

I'm RC myself.
My DC attend RC schools.
The education is very good in my experience as well.

They have values and follow the RC teaching.

This whole set up is bizarre and I truly question the bit about him being advised to get a younger wife. Deacons aren't there to advise like this. It doesn't sound genuine in any way shape or form.

Any woman who gets into this set up is doomed to misery until she escapes.

The whole contraception stuff sounds very dark age too. Catholics who don't believe in manufactured contraception, follow the teachings of natural contraception. In fact I do work with a Catholic marriage organisation that teach natural family planning. Even those teachers dont profess manufactured contraception to be evil.

Get yourself as far away from this crazy family as possible.

10 pregnancies! No wonder she was disabled

I pity the poor asian women he will be going after now. Youve dodged a bullet there OP

Oh OP I read this thread with my heart thumping, thinking "please don't stay with this vile, women-hating, racist man!"

Very very happy you have decided to split!

Wow! The 16th century called and they want their witch burner back

Racist, misogynist, ignorant and spiteful. Sounds like a charmer.

The film 'flowers in the attic' springs to mind.

I think the Asian ladies are quite savvy, they'll soon have the measure of him

You've done brilliantly to get rid. Your mum and brother are great.

He sounds more like Plymouth Brethren than RC.

Enjoy the rest of your life OP. Get off religious dating sites and try to meet some real men.

I'm guessing his late wife didn't have much of a choice wrt those pregnancies. :(

I'm guessing she's happier now dead than alive when she was married to him

Your friend is a savvy woman.

He's showing his colours now. Make sure he's blocked and call the police if he comes anywhere near you.

The 29yo in the phillipines story is to play on your insecurities

It's probably bollocks, but either way, nothing for you to be worried about. He's dumped. Make sure it stays that way.

Matilda I thought he sounded more Plymouth Brethren than RC!

Briefly in secondary school 2 girls joined our school for the first 2 years (11/12 and 13) who were Plymouth Brethren, they weren't massively different to us girls but were never allowed to invite friends home and wore home made clothes on the whole (one of them had a mother who bought her normal clothes occasionally). After I think 2 years they were suddenly removed to a different school or moved area.

I'm sure they're fine now but I sometimes wonder what happened to them.

OP also a close friend of mine has tried Christian dating sites as she is Christian (though 43) and had little or no success or scammed onto other sites.

34 isn't old. I married my second husband after this age. We had our DD at 37. People (women) have children occassionally into their 60s now.

I online dated. I met some lovely people, some okay people, some who just weren't my type. You're better than okay (so was I). No relationship runs completely smoothly but just okay is not enough to manage the lumps and bumps. Celebrate your friends unions. Let it bring you hope that with a bit of ongoing dating effort on your part life will keep moving forwards for you too.

Get yourself back online as soon as you feel ready and take life one step at a time.

P.S. your mum and brother sound very grounded people. Would you consider letting them do any introductions? Sometimes those wbo know us best are able to match us and who knows where the spark of interest will come from.