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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum doesn't like my new man

114 replies

user1475242598 · 30/09/2016 14:50

I am 34 and from an EU country (here for 8 years), and have been seeing a widowed 53 year old professional Englishman for 4 months. We met through a religion-based dating website - he is very devout, and it is important for my husband and me to share the same religion. He has five children (28-9years old) and is keen to have more with me.

Mum came for a holiday last week and met my boyfriend - he invited us to his house for a meal, cooked by his eldest daughter and daughter-in-law (married to eldest son). Mum has decided that he is not right for me; too old, already has kids, and when I have children with him, he wants to retire while I go out to work and he and his eldest daughter care for our babies and his kids.

Also, Mum understands more English than she speaks, and while we were out collecting his son from rugby, his daughter and daughter-in-law sat in the other room mimicking her accent and saying bad things about me.

My boyfriend is lovely, and I feel he is my last chance at having children of my own - previous boyfriends have cheated or been violent. Mum thinks I would be going into an unhappy situation. I am not sure what to do - what do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1475242598 · 30/09/2016 17:33

Several of my friends have gotten married recently, both here and back home, and I guess I'm feeling like the odd woman out.

When my BF Skyped me early on, he talked about family values, and that he is an experienced father and childcare professional. I think this played into the fantasy I have had of establishing a loving family life, and I saw him as a good man. Now I am having second thoughts.

He also thinks I am 'pure'; I have made out with boyfriends in the past, but have not yet gone all the way with a man (I didn't tell him about this), partly due to church teaching (RC), and partly due to my Dad's expectations that I would be pure until marriage. All of my BF's children (except the married one) wear purity rings, and another reason for wanting a younger woman seems to be that they will have limited sexual experience.

As I type this, I am questioning myself. It is quite an odd situation when I look at it - from what I have seen this family are out of the ordinary in England.

OP posts:
RosieCockle · 30/09/2016 17:34

Please get rid. You will end up utterly miserable if you continue with this. It's only been four months and there are already a shit-load of red flags.

DailyMaui · 30/09/2016 17:35

OP I didn't meet my husband until I was 36. And I kissed a lot of frogs! This is not the man for you (or anyone actually... I really pity the poor Thai lady lured into his slimey catch) Being alone is way better than being with a misogynist twat.

Repeat after me: "thank fuck I came onto mumsnet and realised my BF was a hideous, selfish thundertwunt."

Now go and find some lovely things to occupy your spare time which may or may not lead you to a truly lovely man. You deserve way way better.

DailyMaui · 30/09/2016 17:37

Oh jeez, just read your last posting.

RUN. RUN FOR THE HILLS. RUN NOW. FAST...

Seriously. Second thoughts? You should be screaming and running away.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 17:44

Run now and fast. I'm 45 and "dating" but no way would I settle now or before for an idiot like this especially with the added family "bonuses".

although I have fallen for some silly lines in the past especially because I wanted to settle down (eg in my late 30s)

Elllicam · 30/09/2016 17:46

He does not sound like a nice man at all. His family don't sound particularly nice either. I would flee.

Footle · 30/09/2016 17:46

Just read your update. It becomes clearer - you are a means to give his daughter children with him , without her losing her virginity.

NotTheFordType · 30/09/2016 17:52

Bloody hell fire, get out there, have sex with some other humans, work out what you want, don't look back. Don't for chrissake tie yourself to this tosspot.

Original poster
user1475242598 · 30/09/2016 17:53

That's an interesting viewpoint Footle - when his wife died, his daughter agreed to manage the house and oversee her siblings' education (they do assignments given by their tutors). She has put her life on hold, so that he can work and her siblings are cared for.

There is an RC school at the bottom of the road, but he won't send them there because he and his late wife felt that the religious teaching did not conform to that of the Magisterium. I am beginning to think he is seriously screwed up.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2016 17:57

Oh so shes never had kids herself?

Oh.....now it all becomes clear. She's intending to get YOUR kids.

And eventually she would make you feel so unwanted that you would want to leave. But as the parent at home, the "primary caregiver" he would apply for custody.

So you could find yourself in the ludicrous situation of living in a bedsit and paying child support for her to raise your children.

It's a trap.

ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2016 17:58

Btw, I'm RC and I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole!

Janey50 · 30/09/2016 18:01

3 words OP.DON'T DO IT.

Chippednailvarnishing · 30/09/2016 18:02

Who is he David Koresh?
Dump him, send your mum some flowers for giving you honest brilliant advice and move on.

Nicky883 · 30/09/2016 18:04

Please listen to your mom!!

BerylStreep · 30/09/2016 18:04

What website did you meet him on?

Honestly, you need to have a long hard look at why you feel desperate enough to even consider this for a second.

I'm not even sure I believe it.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 18:04

What are they some form of Plymouth Brethren/Amish sect?!

Run away.

Starryeyed16 · 30/09/2016 18:04

It sounds like he wants a replacement wife, taking about his wife becoming disabled when he is the man of the house the women does the child rearing,cooking and cleaning.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/09/2016 18:05

Beryl I'm erring on the disbelief too, but after the past few days here... ahem

sillylionheart · 30/09/2016 18:05

Oh my God. He sounds like an absolute creeper. RUN!

TheLaundryLady · 30/09/2016 18:06

Listen to your mum, she has your best interests at heart

Original poster
user1475242598 · 30/09/2016 18:09

I met him on a Catholic dating website - he was one of the few who messaged back. Looking through your lovely responses, and having spoken with my brother, I think my past has left me with low self-worth.

Combined with friends who are all in couples/having children, I think I've quietly become a bit too desparate to find a man.

My BF seems to be heavily influenced by a married deacon at his church, and by a priest friend of his who have advised him to find someone younger and fun after being a carer for most of his life.

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/09/2016 18:14

Where to even start?...

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 30/09/2016 18:15

I'm really perplexed at which religion this is that allows people to mimic and belittle house guests and potential family members.

And those that encourage men to seek out a mail order bride so desperate for a chance at a better life they will put themselves in potentially abusive situations.

He is using religion as a facade to be abusive and controlling.

The way he speaks about his dead wife is disrespectful. The way he is already organising and planning your life is controlling. The way he is throwing the Thai Bride conversations at you is blackmail. The way he speaks about English women is misogynistic and sweeping. The way he spoke about your mother was ageist and very cruel. He could've referred to his own wrinkles, no? The way he is chasing down virginity as a prize is frankly nauseous.

Please tell me the Christian religion that openly encourages these behaviours and beliefs? I studied Scripture and I don't remember.

Please stop contact. Can't you join a young people's church group, meet someone your age with your interests and have some fun?

CockacidalManiac · 30/09/2016 18:15

Sounds like he wants you to help populate his cult.

It'a certainly starting to sound like it.

AmeliaJack · 30/09/2016 18:17

I'' so glad you are reconsidering you cannot end up with a woman who dislikes you raising your children.

All for the sake of a man that says "if you don't want to marry me I'll pick a substitute from a catalogue".

He doesn't love you sweetheart he just wants a subservient, virgin who will quietly bear children she won't be allowed to raise and work to fund him and his 5 children. That's not who you are.

You are only 34, there are lots of lovely men out there. He isn't the one for you. Flowers

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