Mum doesn't like my new man

[user1475242598]

I am 34 and from an EU country (here for 8 years), and have been seeing a widowed 53 year old professional Englishman for 4 months. We met through a religion-based dating website - he is very devout, and it is important for my husband and me to share the same religion. He has five children (28-9years old) and is keen to have more with me.

Mum came for a holiday last week and met my boyfriend - he invited us to his house for a meal, cooked by his eldest daughter and daughter-in-law (married to eldest son). Mum has decided that he is not right for me; too old, already has kids, and when I have children with him, he wants to retire while I go out to work and he and his eldest daughter care for our babies and his kids.

Also, Mum understands more English than she speaks, and while we were out collecting his son from rugby, his daughter and daughter-in-law sat in the other room mimicking her accent and saying bad things about me.

My boyfriend is lovely, and I feel he is my last chance at having children of my own - previous boyfriends have cheated or been violent. Mum thinks I would be going into an unhappy situation. I am not sure what to do - what do you think?

You say that he is traditional and taught his daughters that they should stay at home to raise their families, but he wants to retire while I go out to work and he and his eldest daughter care for our babies and his kids

And his daughter doesn't even like you. Having children for other people to bring up sounds to me like a worse situation than being childless. I know lots of people do it, but most do so because their circumstances changed after the children were on the scene.

Is staying within your own Christian denomination so important?

4 months is too soon, I usually give it at least 5 years before I even enter a conversation about living together. Was about to ask if you or he is Egyptian as I know they do not do dating and like to marry quickly, but you say he is English. He is definitely rushing you, how would he react if you suggested cooling off the marriage plans for a few years.

Lots of red flags here OP. Listen to your mum and don't get rushed into having children with a much older man who you barely know. You are still young, there is plenty of time to meet someone and have the happy ending you want. This doesn't sound like it.

I am due to meet him for coffee in a while - you have all given me food for thought. Although he is nice most of the time, there have been several unpleasant remarks that I've let go - ones about Englishwomen having loose morals and so on.

Thank you for the information about the Freedom programme - I will follow that up.

He is a 53 year old man whose dad (how old!) helps him out financially and whose womenfolk do all the drudgework.

He expects you to go out an earn while he is retired and his DD (who you will be supporting?) raise your DC because that is traditional womens work.

Listen to your mum you would be mad to consider this set up.

Sounds like he wants you to help populate his cult.

You're only 34. You have time. Keep looking. Don't be rushed along into something that sounds like it won't make you happy.

Lose woman'd English woman here - and proud!
He'll have you down trodden before you know it.
Run run run like the wind.

Why on earth would you want to enter into this kind of life willingly.

You're 34 not 104. Plenty of time for someone lovely to enter your life, why are you just making do?

Run for the hills. Sounds very odd.

But you are not English so he is not making a dig at you, or do you feel protective towards the country where you have lived for 8 years.
Either way I understand how you want kids and your other partners have treated you badly, think it is best if you suggest cooling down, I had my first baby at 37 and lots of women here having babies at 40 or over.

It is perfectly understandable to want to marry someone from the same faith as you. Unfortunately, being religious won't make this man treat you with respect.

I think in your eagerness to get married and have children you have forgotten that the person you choose to be with, needs to be right for you to give you a happy, fulfilling partnership. Don't marry this man and listen to your mother.

And on top of liletsthepink's post, remember that in marrying this man you are choosing the father of your prospective children. You may be able to move on, but he will always be their father; in a sense, they are stuck with him. So he needs to be a good man, a dependable man, a man who can teach them to respect themselves and each other. And the most important teaching tool will always be how he treats you, their mother. That is what they will look at and learn how much they should respect other people (if male) or how much respect they themselves deserve (if female). What kind of life do you want your future children to have?

Although he is nice most of the time, there have been several unpleasant remarks that I've let go - ones about Englishwomen having loose morals and so on.

Your boundaries are way too low and this man that you have met online is yet another example of an abusive man. His actions are all about power and control.

Your previous relationship history is full of abusive men and your own template is warped; you are still a prime target for abusive men to get their claws into. What did you learn about relationships when growing up; there is probably an awful lot that needs to be unlearnt and now.

Listen to your mother and do enrol onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme asap.

If he is the stay-at-home parent ( not to mention his unpleasant-sounding daughter ) you will have a hell of a time keeping your children with you when you inevitably split up.

Please try to imagine how it will feel
to be handing your child over to this weird couple to be brought up exactly how they choose -exclusively in English by the way - before you trot off to work to support them.

I hope this afternoon's coffee is the last thing you share. Thank god your mother is a sensible woman.

Am on my way home and posting on train.

My BF has opened his heart to me over coffee; said that he married very young (early 20s), and that after his wife became disabled in her 30s, his life became very hard, with caring for her. He explained that he had to do what she wanted, and that he often fantasised about what life would be like with a kinder woman. He said that he picked me because I am kind and more loving than his late wife. He also said that foreign girls have better morals than English ones.

He has asked me to let him know if I want to continue the relationship by the end of next week; he was in contact with several young women from Thailand and the Philippines before he suspended his account when he started seeing me, and if I say no, he will pursue those contacts. He said he is desparate to have more children - he loves the feeling of being a father.

I am inclined to break it off; he said that he didn't want to meet anyone over 40. This is partly due to the fertility issue, and partly because he doesn't find older women attractive and would find the physical side of the relationship impossible. He than made some nasty remarks about my Mum's old, lined face (she is 54).

I feel a bit stupid - he's not very nice, is he?

I agree with your mum.

This would be hell on earth. You working when he retires and your kids brought up by his daughter.

Please do not marry this man.

You will be so very miserable.

Too old for you
Too many kids
Got you working while he retires
You'll find you have no control of your children
He'll be too old to be an active enough father to your kids

At 10 years old your child will have a pensioner dad. Who people will thinkis his grandad.

I know a few kids in that situation and they hate it.

People ask this little boy (he's 8 and dad is almost 70), why his dad is so old when he picks him from school. He loves his mum to do pick up, but she's working some days and can't do it.

He told his mum what his friends said. Asked her why his dad was older than all the others. She said she cried so much deep inside.

he's not very nice, is he?

No he isn't. He's horrible.

I am in my fifties and so is my DH. Crikey your bf sounds more like 105 - my DH is cooking an evening meal as we speak for ourselves and our two gs who live with us. We have a grown up family.

I might get verbally beaten up for this, but I am always suspicious of middle aged men who want relationships with younger Thai women and have somewhat misogynistic attitudes to English women. Are you sure he is only in his fifties?

He wants a servile woman to bear his children and cook his meals and keep house for him whilst his family sneer at you whilst you go out to work. I hope his dd and dil do not have racist attitudes towards you and your dm. Perhaps they are just rude, childish bullies generally.

As a dm myself and always right (!), you need to realise that your dm is correct. She is telling you because she loves you. It is not just her gut feeling here, but the clear attitudes of your bf and his family. Your dm deserves your respect more than the family you are contemplating becoming a part of.

A few months from now you will wonder what the hell you were thinking of. You - and your dm - are better than this.

You're not wrong - he's not nice. And you'd have no more than a couple of years before your age started to bother him.

He did 'what his wife wanted' - not 'what she needed'. She didn't get disabled , and you won't get older, just to annoy him. He sounds troubled and unkind and I feel sorry for whoever he targets next.

I've spoken with my brother back home. He reminded me about how much our Mum changed after she and my Dad split up. Dad abused her psychologically, telling her she was fat and ugly, and criticising her choices and her clothes.

When we were young, she used to talk about 'pleasing men' to get them to like you. After she and Dad split, she met a man through one of her hobbies, and he loves her just as she is.

My brother pointed out that some men have what he calls a 'Madonna-whore' complex, dividing women into good and bad. He thinks this is what my BF does. DBro has advised me to be myself, and not set out to please men, or I could repeat our parents' mistakes.

Racist too. Run.

I am always suspicious of middle aged men who want relationships with younger Thai women and have somewhat vmisogynistic attitudes to English women

I agree with you..

Ew! How revolting is that guy?

Let me know if you want to sign away your soul to a devil who you don't know at all, his kids are vile to you (apples never fall far from the tree) or he'll go and get himself a mail order bride?

Good grief? How low does he think your dignity is? Can't you see that even being alone would be better than this woman hating racist loony tune failure?

He thinks HE has the currency to give you, a woman in the prime of her life an ultimatum? I'll add deluded to the other woefully inadequate adjectives

Please don't look for people on sites like that? Online dating is bad enough, but add in fake piety and morals etc and you're going to be found by freaks.

You're worth more than this. Your mother is right

Your brother sounds like a wise man.

Your mum and brother are both right.
They love you.
Your BF sounds just awful.
His best chance is a foreign woman coming from a life of poverty and desperate to get out of her country.

End it with him and thank God you escaped this living hell you would face.