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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

swinging

106 replies

bigsuze87 · 16/05/2016 20:48

My dh has a high sex drive and suggested we try swinging. I said yes to make him happy buy after a lot of thought I told him I couldn't go through with it he said ok, he loved him and has been touchy feely with me since I got home from work.

I found him looking through a swingers website and he thought I meant I couldn't go through with it but he could! I put him straight and now he's acting cold and mad at me. We have been married almost 4 years and since the kids have come along I have become less and less my bubbly self according to my best friend and I totally agree. I have no idea what's wrong with me or what to do

OP posts:

Joysmum · 16/05/2016 20:56

You tell him the bows you both made were to be monogamous and that hasn't changed.

If he wishes to go outside of your marriage for titilation then he needs to end your marriage first.

Original poster

bigsuze87 · 16/05/2016 21:03

I can't deal with him being mad and cold towards me. It upsets me that he was lovey dovey with me when he thought I would let him shag other people

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/05/2016 21:05

Ugh. He sounds a sexually coercive piece of shit.

toopeoply · 16/05/2016 21:09

That's horrendous treatment. I'm not sure I could forgive that..

timelytess · 16/05/2016 21:11

Its not you, its him. He's not very nice. Get out of there. Or send him away.

Original poster

bigsuze87 · 16/05/2016 21:13

I love him to bits and he's really good with kids and he can be really good to me

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 16/05/2016 21:34

^ohhh but he's sooooo lovely..."

No he isn't. He's a piece of shit.

timelytess · 16/05/2016 21:45

OP, I'm sorry, if this is for real you need to wake up to what's happening here.
He wants to have sex with people other than you.
He would like you to have sex with people other than him so he can get away with having sex with randoms. Er... he doesn't get to choose if you have sex with people or not. Not his place.
You weren't up for it.
He wanted to go ahead without you - perfectly happy for you to be faithful while he shagged around.
He's now cold and angry (sulking) because you don't want him to have sex with people other than you.
'Loving him to bits' is a kind of self-harm. He doesn't give two hoots about you.
'He's good with the kids' - so good in fact that he'd like their mother to have sex with random men. Nice.
'He can be really good to me' - if you give him exactly what he wants and don't disagree with him at all.
If he exists been on MN a long time and am very cynical now, he is not a good man.
Ditch him.

Joysmum · 16/05/2016 21:54

Being good to you is him understanding and respecting your feelings, not him being cold and mad because of them.

You've got very low standards.

goddessofsmallthings · 16/05/2016 21:56

How many dc do you have and did your bf give any reason as to why she thinks you've become 'less than your bubbly self'?

You say your h 'can be really good to me' which implies that he's not 'really good' to you all of the time. How often do you say yes " to make him happy" and could it be that it's the way he treats you, rather than the arrival of dc, that has caused the change in your personality?

As it's merely a matter of time before your h shags an ow, or a succession of them, you're best advised to consider your options before you enter the realm of regular check ups at a GUM clinic insecurity wherein you'll have to live with the knowledge that he may become so enamoured with an ow that he leaves you. .

While you may not wish to participate in the swingers scene with its preordained expectation that you'll put out for strangers, would you be prepared to have an open marriage wherein he can sexually engage with ow in whatever manner he chooses while you're free to form sexual relationships with om?

I put this suggestion forwrd merely as alternatives to LTB which is what many would advise, and would do if they were in your shoes, but only you can determine whether your non-compliance with his suggestion and his subsequent juvenile unacceptable behaviour has rung the death knell on your marriage.

I wonder how he'd react if you told him you'll canvas opinion from your respective dps as to what they think of his suggestion? .

TheNaze73 · 16/05/2016 21:56

He's being a tit. I know swinging works for a lot of people but, if it's not right for you then so be it.

WellErrr · 16/05/2016 22:00

Prepare yourself for a wake up call OP. Your H is NOT nice, he's fucking awful.

Sorry

Playduh · 16/05/2016 22:08

Another way of looking at it;

He wants to try X sexual proclivity. You say yes, he gets all excited and starts planning it, only for you to back out at the last minute.

You have every right to change your mind, but he also has every right to be a bit disappointed.

Yes, he needs to get over it. But I think he is entitled to be upset that he thought he was going to get to do X thing (whether it's sex or going to the circus or being able to spend some of the household budget on an X Box or whatever) and now he can't.

Why did you agree to doing it? Did you ever have any intention of trying it or was it only ever to tell him something he wants to hear?

There are a lot of pearl clutchers on here, but if you told your husband you were up for swinging, you can't really accuse him of being a bad husband for thinking you wanted to go swinging. And isn't he allowed to ask? How is he supposed to know what you like or not without asking?

Playduh · 16/05/2016 22:10

Admittedly though, thinking he could go without you is a bit !

TheoriginalLEM · 16/05/2016 22:21

he can be as dissapointed as he fucking lokes. It still doesn't excuse his behaviour. i don't think anyone is clutching pearls just recognising him for the manipulative, selfish little cunt that he is.

i daresay he coerced his wife into the initial agreement. which is why she initially agreed to something she isn't comfortable with.

i daresay swinging is fine if it is what BOTH partners want. if one needs convincing then it can only be a disaster i imagine.

wantmorenow · 16/05/2016 22:23

Swinging is only ever going to be a positive experience if both people want it and are in a strong, committed and happy place in their relationship. If either has even a tiny doubt or concerns then don't do it. It's supposed to be a shared experience or not at all.

Original poster

bigsuze87 · 17/05/2016 06:47

I agree that swinging can be good for relationships but I really did 't want to do it. We have had so many problems since my youngest child came along 2 years ago. We have almost separated twice and I just agree to everything he says to keep the peace. He's definitely not a Rob Titchner but he can be coercive and he does sulk if he doesn't get his own way.
I love him and I know he loves me but I always feel like I am not good enough for him or the kids and with a history of depression its no wonder my bubbliness' is disappearing.

OP posts:

Original poster

bigsuze87 · 17/05/2016 07:50

Lol he's still beng cold with me so I stormed off to work and arrived 45mins early. Had a shower and did some thinking and you girls are right. This is all wrong and he is being a dick but I am being a bitch too (not in regards to the swinging). I wish I could just up and leave him but there's the kids to think about and the fact my family love him and will take his side like the last time I tried to leave him

OP posts:

TheoriginalLEM · 17/05/2016 08:25

Tell them he wants to fuck random strangers in seedy swinging clubs - that should put them straight.

There are plenty of folk on here who have left and their lives AND their children's lives have improved tenfold. im sure if you start a thread asking for practical advice on what to do you'll get lots of support.

Original poster

bigsuze87 · 17/05/2016 09:47

He wants a divorce. I kissed someone about 4 months into the relationship when I was so drunk I couldn't even remember getting home. 6 years later I tell him after he asked if I have ever cheated. Today a month later he's just text saying he wants a divorce WTAF

OP posts:

stomachinknots · 17/05/2016 09:53

Wow. Bombshell. Have you responded?

fuzzywuzzy · 17/05/2016 09:53

Get the divorce. Tell your family it's because he wants to screw around and you don't. It's the truth.

Get friends and family on side ASAP, you need the support. And get yourself a good lawyer.

He is really nasty.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2016 10:08

Not much of a relationship to lose really, is it ?

WellErrr · 17/05/2016 10:20

Id snap his hand off.

Original poster

bigsuze87 · 17/05/2016 10:23

At work so this all through text right now. Apparently the swinging was his last attempt at saving our marriage

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