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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

swinging

106 replies

bigsuze87 · 16/05/2016 20:48

My dh has a high sex drive and suggested we try swinging. I said yes to make him happy buy after a lot of thought I told him I couldn't go through with it he said ok, he loved him and has been touchy feely with me since I got home from work.

I found him looking through a swingers website and he thought I meant I couldn't go through with it but he could! I put him straight and now he's acting cold and mad at me. We have been married almost 4 years and since the kids have come along I have become less and less my bubbly self according to my best friend and I totally agree. I have no idea what's wrong with me or what to do

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 17/05/2016 18:28

What does your kids loving you "right now" mean? Don't they usually love you, or is that they've got their arms round your neck and are showering you with kisses while you're mumsnetting?

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 17/05/2016 18:34

If you feel like you're being controlled...?

You are being controlled. He tried to talk you into having sex with strangers, then when you said no assumed that he could go out and still shag whoever he likes, then when you again said no he threatens you with divorce? But you still want to be with him? And the fact that you had to demand your freedom (rather than that being something you automatically have that he can't control) speaks volumes.

Ask yourself this, if a friend came to you with this problem what would your advice be? Stay and work on it, or something else...

Original poster
bigsuze87 · 17/05/2016 18:48

The kids don't normally pay that much attention to me they are more interested in my OH but they are very huggy to me at the moment. I have made to clear to him this is his last chance after this its over. I am aware that he has been controlling me and it stops now. He's been told and I will not allow myself to be in this situation again. He has deleted his profiles on the swingers sites and if I catch him on one again his balls are mine

OP posts:
TwitTwatTwunt · 17/05/2016 19:08

He's made his intentions clear that he wants to be shagging other women. That's not going to change.

I would have lost all respect for him and just wouldn't be able to think of him in the same way again after this. You deserve better OP and so do your children.

wantmorenow · 17/05/2016 19:12

Do not even get into a conversation about swinging. It's a ridiculous suggestion from him. He either commits to repairing his marriage or he commits to a divorce.

Nothing else is even on the table for discussion. Once he has chosen what he wants then you decide whether you want it too. Take your time and only commit to it once he has if you want to fix it. From where I'm standing he doesn't seem to be a good husband and have the maturity and self-awareness to become one.

BIWI · 17/05/2016 19:14

You're going to let him get away with this behaviour aren't you? You're going to take him back, thinking it's on your terms.

But it isn't.

This man doesn't respect you. He wants to control you and shag other women, knowing you don't want that.

What is so lovely about him that you'll give in to this?

AnyFucker · 17/05/2016 19:24

This isn't on your terms at all, love

After what I would consider to be a complete piss take of your feelings you give him more chances to do it again

I would say he hasn't had any consequences at all. Talk of "having his balls" is just that : talk. And he is still a sexually coercive piece of shit.

wantmorenow · 17/05/2016 19:47

Missed the bit about already being on swinging sites; that's disrespectful and a deal breaker. A couple's profile you both share and want would have been one thing but he has overstepped the boundaries of marriage.

Your marriage is already broken, you are not to blame, you cannot fix it. LTB. Sad

Original poster
bigsuze87 · 17/05/2016 20:10

We will try at least If it doesn't work it doesn't work. Gotta try for the kids sake besides my eyes are wide open to his bullshit ways and he knows if he doesn't change he won't get a second chance

OP posts:
Herald · 17/05/2016 20:19

This is a bizzare thread if I found my partner on a sex hook up site then that would be it ...no second, third or fourth chances

ordinaryman · 17/05/2016 20:39

Doesn't it occur to any of you who are telling the OP what she thinks, and practically demanding that she follow your "LTB" course of action (and that she must be some kind of gullible loser if she doesn't) that you are being just as controlling as the OP's DH?

Offer advice and give her some space to choose for herself without EA...

AnyFucker · 17/05/2016 20:44

She has space from respondents on MN. She is sat in another house. In another town. In another county, most likely.

What a stupid comment.

Herald · 17/05/2016 20:48

Totally agree AF , the Op has gone from leaving him , to him divorcing her , then stopping his controlling ways and 'having his balls ' , I am sorry if this offends but it all sounds a bit blasé 😳

bert3400 · 17/05/2016 20:53

Haven't read all the thread ...but I would say yes please to a divorce ...what an awful piece of shit . If your relationship is at this point ...get out now

TwitTwatTwunt · 17/05/2016 21:02

ordinaryman what other advice can be given in these circumstances ?
I understand the need to try for the sake of keeping the family together but OP's H has over stepped some serious boundaries & I can't see how any relationship could recover from this.

This man's wanting to be shagging around outside of his marriage will not have suddenly disappeared!

goddessofsmallthings · 17/05/2016 21:38

The kids don't normally pay that much attention to me they are more interested in my OH but they are very huggy to me at the moment

Could it be that he controls them too? You've said you don't do all of the childcare and, if they heard you making arrangements to stay down the road tonight, they may be fearful that you'll disappear and leave them with him.

As for "Gotta try for the kids sake", it seems to me your efforts would be better expended on finding a more worthy role model for them.

Be careful, OP. You may think you've got him by the balls but it won't be long before he's got you by the short and curlies again and I'm guessing that, despite your bravado, he won't be sleeping on the sofa tonight.

Gide · 17/05/2016 21:58

I don't think you do need to try for the 'kids' sake'. He's not the kind of man you want them to aspire to be! He won't suddenly stop wanting to fuck other women. Swinging was his last attempt at saving your marriage? Is he on glue?! What a load of old shite he's feeding you, OP.

If I were you, I'd be letting my family know exactly what he has been 'offering' you, since they think he's so bloody great! Time to show them their idol has feet of clay.

SandyY2K · 17/05/2016 22:40

Divorce isn't to be taken lightly especially where young kids are involved. Now without being cynical .... some would if you were so drunk that night how do you remember that you kissed someone? Plus you still remember it 6 years on.... so were you really truthful about the facts of that night? Only you know this.

Was it a random stranger? Who were you out with? These are things that should have been discussed with your husband.

I'm just speaking honestly here .... if my husband confessed to a drunken kiss .... I'd not be over the moon about it.

What actually prompted him to ask you that anyway? It seems a bit out of the blue or did he have suspicions?

That it happened 6 years ago doesn't minimise the hurt he probably felt when you told him.

All that said.. swinging is a bad idea for a couple on rocky ground like yourselves. You shouldn't have agreed to it... because he got used to the idea and then it was taken away from him. Don't agree to something your uncomfortable with and just say "I feel like you are pressuring me" then walk away.

Swinging is not a solution to solve marriage problems ..... I think he just wants some variety and he would have suggested this whether he heard about the kiss or not... so don't believe his nonsense about giving it one last shot.

If you guys have problems seek counselling. Try and create the marriage you both want and communicate your needs to each other. Young kids are hard work and you need to make time for each other without the kids. I know it's hard and life gets in the way, but you only got married 4 years ago... surely the love is still there?

BIWI · 18/05/2016 08:39

Ugh SandyY2K - have you actually read this thread?

Victim blaming or what?!

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 18/05/2016 08:48

This is a really weird thread.... Helluva journey via text in a couple of hours

Hydroshield · 18/05/2016 09:04

^^

ordinaryman · 18/05/2016 10:28

AnyFucker - "Ugh. He sounds a sexually coercive piece of shit"
AnyFucker - ^ohhh but he's sooooo lovely..." No he isn't. He's a piece of shit.
AnyFucker - "Not much of a relationship to lose really, is it ?"
AnyFucker - "Only 3 words required here. Off. You. Fuck"
AnyFucker - "What have your kids got to do with it ?"
AnyFucker - "Talk of "having his balls" is just that : talk. And he is still a sexually coercive piece of shit."

And I'm the one accused of making stupid comments... Hmm

BIWI · 18/05/2016 10:32

I think AnyFucker's comments are totally on the button.

It's the OPs 'D'P who has been making the stupid comments

Why on earth would you defend his behaviour?

MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 10:54

ordinary man

I've not been on MN that long but it's clear that AF is a really straight talking poster and sometimes straight talking, no shit advice is what's needed. I know AF posts are always quite eye opening for me and I know I've read advice from AF that have been so empowering that I've actually gone out and taken control of shit that I should have done months ago.

I think you're mistaking a "take no bullshit" approach for something that it's not.

ordinaryman · 18/05/2016 11:26

BIWI Wed 18-May-16 10:32:39

"I think AnyFucker's comments are totally on the button.

It's the OPs 'D'P who has been making the stupid comments

Why on earth would you defend his behaviour?"

Where have I defended his behaviour?

My point was that some posters on here (and not just AF) get pretty close to being bullying, coercive and EA themselves, whatever their point and even when they think they are supporting the OP.

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