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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh has put too much weight on.

109 replies

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 21:01

I'm prepared to be flamed on this.

I I've my Dh and I can't imagine life with out him. He is a wonderful father and great husband. I do not want to leave him.

But he has put a lot of weight on in the last five years and doesn't look like the man I met. I didn't mind it at first when he started putting it on because he has a beautiful face and is tall and could still carry it off but from Christmas it's like he has gone in to over drive and has been massively over eating. His face is bloated and he looks nine months pregnant. He is 20 stone.

OP posts:

SouthWestmom · 28/04/2016 21:04

Ill be flamed with you then . My Dh has piled weight on through greed, eats family bags of crisps, grab bags of sweets, etc.

tellyjots · 28/04/2016 21:05

Tough one. Putting the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if he told you you were getting a bit too portly?

That said, weighing twenty stone at any height is unhealthy. If you need to say something could you phrase it around health?

Is there anything he could be depressed/ comfort eating over?

Original poster

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 21:05

Posted too soon.

I don't fancy him any more.

I worry about his heart or other weight related illnesses and he keeps promising to sort it but he never sticks to it. I've gone on diets with him, cooked all his meals, took them to work. But then he will go and get pie, chips, peas and gravy at lunch time for example.

He is supposed to be starting with a personal trainer soon and the weeks on the run up to this his eating is out of control as he sees it as last chance saloon.

I don't think it's fair on myself and DC and not sure what to do about it

:-(

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pocketsaviour · 28/04/2016 21:08

Well unless he's 7' tall he's very definitely overweight and it will be impacting his health.

Has anything changed in his life that may have kicked off this most recent bout of over-eating? A bereavement? Stress at work? I'm wondering if you can come at this from a "I can see you're stressed out - let's try getting some long walks together, or taking up yoga" sort of thing.

Original poster

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 21:29

His diet has diet has always been very poor. But I think having started a buisness and skipping meals then thinking it's ok to go all out at tea time with a mountain of food.

If he goes take away for his self he will buy - chicken curry, fried rice, spare ribs, prawn toast and spring rolls - because it's on a cheap deal. It knocks me sick.

noeuf it's the same here.

If he ever told me I'd put weight on so much it drastically changed the way I looked I would be devistated and I'd do something about it:

The recent bout of over eating (I think) is because he swears he is starting healthy eating soon so it's like he is binge eating. Plus we have more money at the moment so it's being spent on take aways and eating out.

If he has a buisness meeting this week and had it in Pizza Hut, didn't tell me then came home and had a massive meal. God knows how many calories he is consuming.

He thinks he is in good health as the life insurance assessor said apart from being over weight he was in good health

OP posts:

SouthWestmom · 28/04/2016 21:33

Mine just doesn't care. He claims to, moans about his belly and then orders a takeaway.
I don't fancy him either

Original poster

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 21:35

How old is he noeuf if you don't mind me asking.

Does he know how you feel?

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Scarydinosaurs · 28/04/2016 21:36

How awful for you and him.

I would recommend going to the doctor and seeing if he can get help for what is clearly binge eating. I wouldn't say it was normal to eat like this.

Original poster

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 21:37

I kind of feel like if he doesn't shift some weight (even if it's only a few stone) then I'm not sleeping with him any more. He is starting to squash me in bed. TMI sorry.

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Original poster

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 21:38

scary I see it as binge eating. He sees it as having a big dinner because he hasn't eaten much all day

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peppatax · 28/04/2016 21:40

You won't get flamed from me OP. It's not so much the physical unattractiveness but the greed, lack of self control and discipline that is very unattractive. My DP has lost a huge amount of weight, is borderline underweight and he's recently been told that his obsession with food is not attractive no either (no matter how much better he looks!)

SouthWestmom · 28/04/2016 21:43

He's 54. Was 39 when we met and very normal sized, slimmish, and now he's just ballooned. No depression, no need, just lack of time, boredom, beer and crisps habit.

Original poster

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 21:44

pepper your absolutly spot on. When Dh tried last year and lost 1/2 stone I really admired him. But seeing him be like this is really off putting.

How do you deal with the other side of it him losing too much.

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Original poster

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 21:46

noeuf my Dh is 34. Do you think your Dh will do something about it? Have you spoken to him Bout it?

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AriaTloak · 28/04/2016 21:46

I'm on the opposite end of this.

I overeat, I'm also a big emotional eater. My OH gets disgusted at me when I have bouts of uncontrollable eating.

I'm nowhere near 20 stone though... I am just under 13st at 5'10 so carry it well but he has always been into skinny Minnie's which I am not.

It's hard, he is attracted to me when I am on a mission and losing weight but admits he isn't when I overeat and put weight on.

It's at the point now I don't eat anything unhealthy around him for fear of judgement.

Sorry for hijacking, I was going to try and give you an insight into how he may be feeling but reading it back I'm not at the unhealthy scale of weight so I'm just being a dick & hijacking !

Sorry

crazyhead · 28/04/2016 21:47

How strongly have you voiced your concerns in a way that clearly communicates your distress about this?

Has he always struggled with his weight to some extent? How do you think he feels deep down?

It is a really, really tough thing. My dear Mum struggled with her weight all her life. My Dad is the exact opposite - like an absolute rake. And I'm in the middle - a stone that would be better off me but no serious struggle.

But my Mum was never a lazy person compared to Dad- it was just about eating that bit too much every day. She found it so hard.

I think you should ask your husband what it would take for him to manage his weight better and why he thinks things are going this way.

Have you asked him what would motivate him? Does he enjoy nice clothes, or would he like to be able do a really special walking holiday?

I really sympathise - I do agree that we've got a responsibility to our families to look after our health (I don't always manage, but I do believe that) and whereas it is a tricky area where we all need to be tolerant and tolerated, to make some effort to remain attractive, both in being a decent person but also trying to stay vaguely in shape!

crazyhead · 28/04/2016 21:52

Under 13st at 5.10 puts you barely into overweight Aria - certainly not at a weight where you'd expect galloping health concerns. I'd say that one is perhaps more questionable of your OH than of you. It is such a minefield though!

Original poster

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 21:53

It's at the point now I don't eat anything unhealthy around him for fear of judgement

That is what I really don't want but I think it's probally there. Your not hijacking

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SouthWestmom · 28/04/2016 21:57

No I don't . Today he said he wanted to buy a cross trainer while sitting down with a packet of chocolate biscuits.

I told him he didn't need to eat them all, how gross and he has already eaten four. Large fudge filled chocolate covered biscuits.

I can't relate - I'm slim, I care enough not to over eat, the four kids are all slim - one would overeat of allowed but I just won't have it. So that one eats fruit from the fruit bowl endlessly and thinks blackberries are a treat.

Original poster

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 21:57

crazy he was really in to sports then had an accident. And the Weight stated creeping on. When I met him he was stocky but not like this.

I've talked about this from every angle. Health wise ect.. He makes promises but it leads to know where. He knows it's affecting how I feel about him sexually:

He is supposed to start his personal trainer in a week and half and if he doesn't stick to it I'm going to scream. I don't think it's fair.

OP posts:

LifeIsChaos · 28/04/2016 22:00

No flaming from me, my dh is 6 stone heavier than when I met him. Hes 5'9. His stomach is bigger than mine when I was 9 month pregnant.

I get its his body and all that but I just don't find it attractive watching him shovelling crap in straight after he's eaten a meal for 4 on his own.

No answers I'm afraid, but my dh knows he's fat but doesn't care. Not much I can do about that but Im ashamed to say I don't fancy him anymore.

peppatax · 28/04/2016 22:00

Kimononono I try and serve him bigger portions but he'll always take the very low calorie option for other meals to counteract this. Thankfully a friend of his told him he was looking a bit too thin and it gave me the opportunity to agree and told him to it would be better to relax his obsession with having the 'healthy' option. I admire his commitment but it's not fun to cook a lovely meal to enjoy together and be discussing calories!!

HelenaDove · 28/04/2016 22:00

I used to be 21 stone and i lost 10 stone. crazyhead your final sentence is bollocks. If a person wants to lose weight they have to do it FOR THEMSELVES. Or it will NOT work or be maintained. For instance if id told myself i was doing it for my relationship it wouldnt have worked because my DH and i dont have a physical relationship.

And losing weight didnt make any difference to that. Whatever situation ppl are in you improve or maintain your health FOR YOURSELF.

GasLightShining · 28/04/2016 22:01

I would try and go down the 'I'm worried about your health route. Kids don't need their dad dropping dead with a heart attack' rather than 'I don't want to sleep with a fat git'

Kimononono and noeuf - offering a hand. My DH has had the warning heart attack and still not lost weight. I know I have put on loads of weight too but at least I am now doing something about it.

Original poster

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 22:02

life

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