Dh has put too much weight on.

[Kimononono]

I'm prepared to be flamed on this.

I I've my Dh and I can't imagine life with out him. He is a wonderful father and great husband. I do not want to leave him.

But he has put a lot of weight on in the last five years and doesn't look like the man I met. I didn't mind it at first when he started putting it on because he has a beautiful face and is tall and could still carry it off but from Christmas it's like he has gone in to over drive and has been massively over eating. His face is bloated and he looks nine months pregnant. He is 20 stone.

L

OP, I just wanted to comment that his 'I know I'm starting a new regime soon, so I'm going to eat everything in sight until then' behaviour is a recognised part of binge eating disorder - try googling 'last supper eating'. It may seem crazy and irrational to you, but it is part of your DH's eating disorder. I'm not flaming you because I think you have made lots of valid points, but I also agree with previous posters who say it's a tough addiction to crack.

I understand but you will not reach anything by nagging. I am obese and working my way down but a spouse with comments would have made it worse.
What may help:
Banning take aways and crisps from home but allowing everything else l. Once person starts eating healthier (however much) the addiction to carbs and sugar starts to reduce.
Suggest meditation or walks together. That's for mental health not for losing weight. Healthy mind helps to arrive to a desire to do something for yourself.

I'm not in the habit of flaming people and op, the following comment is not aimed at you specifically. And I totally understand people's concerns about health and diabetes etc.

But, as someone who has been thin as a rake for most of my life and is currently 3 stone overweight and unhappy with it, I do find the vocabulary used by some posters on this thread rather depressing. It might be worth noting that the words "greedy" "lazy" and "disgusting" are particularly unhelpful and demotivating.

I wonder why these words are accepted on diet threads, whereas if banded about under other topics, they would be seen as offensive?

If my dh used these words about me then I would feel worse about myself and might indulge in more unhealthy eating as a form of "self soothing".

Whatever happened to "for better for worse, in sickness and in health"?

I can honestly say that I am no greedier or lazier than when I was thin! And my dh certainly doesn't consider me "disgusting".

As I am discovering now, if losing weight was just a question of self discipline and willpower, then there wouldn't be a multi-million pound diet industry. There are far more many complicated factors involved: mental health primarily (stress, anxiety, depression) and issues such as working patterns, environment, family, ill health, financial and relationship difficulties.

I agree with Pastaoplenty and the other posters who say "you can't make anyone else lose weight". However you can certainly offer them respect, and encouragement instead of being negative and insulting. Plain old-fashioned kindness might help too.

A genuine question to the fat-haters on here: what are you possibly hoping to achieve when you say such hateful things? Do you really those words or that attitude will encourage people to change?

A genuine question to the fat-haters on here: what are you possibly hoping to achieve when you say such hateful things? Do you really those words or that attitude will encourage people to change?

^ this

I take your point about language sparecrust but sometimes I would use those words to describe myself. I can be lazy and greedy. I associate the type of eating that the op describes with gluttony, slovenliness and a lack of self-respect.

I would never use those words openly though and would try hard not to be judgmental. When my ex put on weight he confessed he had just 'given up' but I didn't mention it to him ever and he lost weight again in his own time.

Yes, agree, but that's the point though Blackcrust isn't it? We already feel badly enough about ourselves that we don't need others getting in on the act!

I agree with SpareCrust too. The weight loss section of this board is full of people who struggle with their weight and even a brief visit there will show that it's a lot more complicated than laziness or creepiness. Weight loss happens in the brain.

I do understand what some people are saying about attractiveness, but that people will change physically during the course of a long term relationship is inevitable. What if I (or my partner) don't find grey hair attractive? I know that there's no choice to get grey hair, but there is a choice about keeping it. I think people have to find their own reasons for losing weight and there's little that others can do to make them.

Not creepiness! Thank you, autocorrect. Greediness.

At some point people have to be accountable, though. Obesity is a costly societal problem.

Someone who shovels in enough food to be massively overweight and won't address their issues is indeed being lazy and greedy at some level. Banning the use of apt phrases in public discourse in order to mollycoddle them doesn't change that. Fat doesn't just creep on of its own accord.

If the point is to help someone lose weight, calling them greedy and lazy is not the way to go about it. Of course, if you're not bothered if they lose weight, you can go right ahead.

Absolutely agree that people have to be accountable. Ultimately every individual is responsible for what he or she consumes.

And agree that the costs of managing the health consequences of obesity are rising.

Also agree that changing societal attitudes have a part to play. (What was considered a normal portion for my parents generation would be considered small today and fast food and ready meals were not available at every corner.)

I just wouldn't choose to use expressions like "shovelling in" though which I consider at best unhelpful and at worst, rather insulting.

You might say someone is "greedy". Others might say they "have lost touch with - or never learnt - what a healthy portion size looks like".

You might say someone is "lazy". Others might say they are depressed and demotivated or stuck in unhealthy eating patterns and habits.

It isn't a question of molly-coddling. It's a question of being respectful and supportive.

Why pretend respect where there is none, though? Why fake it? Maybe having to process authentic reactions to their choices will be more useful to the person with the problem.

Genuinely don't understand. Why does respect have to be fake?

Um, this is going to sound very "holier than though" but my respect for other people is not dependent on their appearance or weight.

You may have a different attitude.

LeaLeander for that comment I have just lost all respect for you however I will still treat you with respect, politeness and courtesy because it is the right way to behave. Treating someone with a lack of respect shows more about you than it does the other person.

It is all well and good trying to change people's perception of overweight people and why they are like that but lealeander is not wrong in what she is saying, you just disagree with it.

We all know the definition of greed but why can't we say someone is being greedy just because they have an emotional reason behind it? Why is that wrong?

My DH has put a lot of weight on since we met. I love him to bits but sometimes when he's panting during sex it really turns me off a bit. I'm tubby too and currently dieting so can't really say owt to him. I know he tries to diet but don't think he can help himself. I was looking at old pictures and bloody hell he was fit and looked much healthier.

Bur the OP is repulsed by her overweight spouse. She doesn't respect his choices.

Yet she must protect him? Even though his actions demonstrate lack of respect for her, for their relationship and for their family's future?

Why is the onus to placate and minimize and mollycoddle always on the person who is not willfully creating the problem?

Didn't realise there was a debate going on here.

I grew up with huge portions and eating unhealthily and it's affected me my whole life. I know I am greedy otherwise I wouldn't be overweight but calling someone greedy to their face is horrible imo. I sometimes don't eat loads but all high calories things that add up. I often eat to deal with stress. Only I am accountable for myself and only I can change it. Calling someone greedy and fat which the probably already know will not help in the slightest.

"Why is calling someone greedy wrong? "

I'm not sure I would go as far as saying it is wrong, but I am saying its unhelpful.

And perhaps unnecessarily judgemental?

How can you know they "are being greedy"? It is your assumption.

Surely the intent behind the action has some relevance?

If you say someone is "being greedy" then you judge them to be acting out of greed.

And they may indeed just be having "one more cake" because they fancy it despite knowing it is bad for them.

Equally, they may be sub-consciously self soothing themselves after a very stressful day.

Whose to really know except the person themselves?

No one is suggesting that we run around calling people names. But some are trying to stifle pithy and accurate vocabulary/opinions even in an impersonal public discussion like this.

Eating thousands of calories a day unless you're a lumberjack or something IS greedy. It just is. No amount of tiptoeing around changes that.

At this point OP I should apologise because I didn't mean to divert the thread in a different direction and I hope you get some answers about your dh too if you are worried about his health. I just felt the language on here was unnecessarily offensive.

The OP can call her husband fat, lazy and greedy if that's what she feels and she want to get it off her chest. Will it make him think 'oh yes, you're right, thanks so much for saying so. I'll do something about that right away.'? It won't.

I understand when you say the word isn't helpful but it's not wrong to look at someone who is eating rather a lot of food and think 'that's a bit greedy'

I'm not saying I would say it outright and yes I'm aware that people who overeat regularly often have a reason behind it but that doesn't mean it's bad to think they are being greedy.

I do empathise with people who are massively overweight please don't think the opposite and I struggle myself at times but I am sometimes greedy and I know it.

Lealander

I am not trying to stifle your vocabulary or your opinions. I was challenging them - which is equally my right.

What Pippistrelle says is spot on. You are at liberty to call people whatever you like. It won't help them though and it won't improve their situation.

But she should be able to come on here and express herself honestly without being lectured for it.