Dh has put too much weight on.

[Kimononono]

I'm prepared to be flamed on this.

I I've my Dh and I can't imagine life with out him. He is a wonderful father and great husband. I do not want to leave him.

But he has put a lot of weight on in the last five years and doesn't look like the man I met. I didn't mind it at first when he started putting it on because he has a beautiful face and is tall and could still carry it off but from Christmas it's like he has gone in to over drive and has been massively over eating. His face is bloated and he looks nine months pregnant. He is 20 stone.

L

He's hardly a bit portly.

20 stones is huge at any height.

Maybe suggest he goes to the docs for a health check up? I'm sure he's at risk of diabetes, strokes etc.

Do you exercise as a family?

gas bloody hell. How old is he?

Gaslight, how frightening.

Everyone's reasonably active but not to any excess. Walk to school a lot, go to the park, bike rides in the sun, I don't think intense exercise is sustainable throughout all stages of life so I'd rather have good habits not a twenty mile walk every Saturday iyswim?

Have you tried suggesting that he logs his calories in My fitness pal? It was a real eye opener for DH and I. He was 2 stone overweight and I want technically overweight but had put on a lot of weight over a short period, all around the middle. We've been dieting for exactly 1 month. DH has 1600 calories per day, I have 1200. He's lost 6kg and I've lost 4.2kg in that one month. We haven't been hungry, either.

My DH is close to pension age but there is still no excuse.

Apparently it is my fault as I won't exercise (admittedly I am lazy but I have problems with pain) so he won't. We have a f**king cross trainer in the house.

I tried to persuade him to coming to slimming club with me but he refuses. He can do it on his own.

Oh yeah it's my fault too because I will moan if he joins a gym and gets in late after work.

My DH is the same. It's unattractive, I don't fancy him and I'm horrified to find myself now rather embarrassed by him. I started a new job recently and I am aware that I am avoiding introducing him to my colleagues.

My DH has regular appointments because of having to have his blood pressure checked and his weight is always mentioned and still no action

He is not diabetic but I expect he is not far off it and this is also checked regularly.

I hasten to add that he had no idea he had high blood pressure until the heart attack so just because you think everything is ok doesn't mean it is.

There is a fair age gap and I have been very blunt about the fact I don't want to start my retirement as a widow.

Oh yeah it's my fault too because I will moan if he joins a gym and gets in late after work

To be honest when our DC were younger I probably would have moaned! Don't care now as it would be getting to watch what want on TV for longer.

Yes,maybe but now now they are all getting on - it's a crap excuse when the youngest is seven!

I was overweight my whole life.. eventually got to be 29 stone. At 5ft tall that's not a good look.

My mum and my exp used to go on about my weight all the time.. that only made it worse, I used to get upset and take comfort from whatever was in the fridge. I had to reach the point of needing to lose weight myself before I could do so effectively.

I'm now 10 and a half stone. It's taken eight years but I had to to do it for me, not for anyone else iyswim?

He has disordered eating - probably binge eating disorder. It's incredibly common and very difficult to treat because it's cyclical - periods of being 'good' and in control, then rebellion against being good or something else triggers it.

I'm your husband in this situation. For the last couple of days, I've been bingeing. I'm not sure what has brought it on - tiredness, stress, hormones. Dieting can make it worse because it sets up the vicious circle of 'one last binge - diet - fall off the wagon - feel shit - binge - repent - intend to diet - one last binge' etc etc.

CBT might help. But tbh I think eating disorders are incredibly poorly treated and managed, unless you're dangerously anorexic, when you might get some help if you're lucky. I wish I could give you some advice but the truth is, if my DH told me some cold hard truths I would be devastated, feel unloved and under attack and then would binge to cope.

Instead I set my own limit - I'm about 3 stone overweight and 3-4 stone overweight is my cut off. I don't let myself balloon completely but I'm aware that I'm at the upper limit at the minute, having lost a stone recently. I'm trying to be more aware of when I'm bingeing and why.

I honestly believe food is the most difficult addiction to kick - everything else, you can go cold turkey on but you always need to eat. There's no all or nothing with it - you have to learn to manage it every day for the rest of your life.

To me this would be just as if someone developed an addiction to alcohol or cocaine or gambling. Something that threatens the household's overall health and welfare and future. It would be a dealbreaker. Choosing to stuff face instead of being around in the future for me / the children, choosing to be sexually unattractive - no thanks.

I'd feel sorry for him but after a couple attempts to help him seek treatment, I would make plans to move on. He is showing you that the momentary pleasure of shoveling in junk food is more important than your opinion and your future together.

YY Sally EXACTLY!

This is so tough. I've recently lost a significant amount of weight; it crept up and up over the years until I finally decided to do something about it. My dh made it very clear that he loved me at any weight and has not been any more or less attracted when is was size 20 or 12. If he was, he never made that obvious to me at all. It was the constant of his love that made it possible for me to manage the weight loss in the end. Losing that much weight was psychologically difficult as I suddenly became less "invisible" and receive comments daily.

But dh's weight crept up alongside mine (though I was always a bit bigger) and he hasn't made any changes. He is type 1 diabetic (insulin dependent) and one of the side effects is putting on weight. I feel he doesn't manage his condition very well and his weight and health bother me a lot. I feel like a massive hypocrite for being bothered by his weight though and haven't said anything to him about it. I encourage him to exercise when he shows interest but those moments are fleeting. He works so much overtime that he's just exhausted and comes home after 9pm most nights.

I don't have a solution.

It's not so much the physical unattractiveness but the greed, lack of self control and discipline that is very unattractive.

Agree with this. I completely understand how you feel OP, nobody should flame you. It's not because of a medical condition, it's just his choices that has caused it.

I got a book called "The Blood Sugar Diet" for me, hubby who is 6'3 saw the recipes and has joined me. he can eat as much as he wants as long as its veg, lean meat is ok, but potatoes, bread and white rice are a no no. He loves it, has lost 5lb in 4 days with no exercise, that starts next week. We don't usually keep chocolate or biscuits in the house anyway except for the kids lunchbox treats but I caught him munching in the fridge yesterday.... carrot sticks and hummus.
The point is you need to find the right life style diet, one that he wants to eat and shows result.

Tbh it just seems like lazy, greedy eating habits are now very much a part of the U.K. Seeing fat or overweight people is so normal as is the language people use 'the weight crept up' like its a separate thing that you have no control over.

There's no need, and I agree re: the other unpleasant addictions analogy to some extent, although it seems more greed, laziness and mindless munching than an 'addiction'.

I've been on the same diet, Sazbird. It's brilliant. I lost 5kg then took a break from it to deal with life stuff (still eating sensibly so didn't put any back on), and back on it now to lose a bit more. I never knew hummus was so yummy.

OP, can you persuade him to eat during the day so he's not coming home ravenous? If he's regularly skipping meals his body is going to be hanging onto every calorie he puts into it when he does eat.

I also second the suggestion to record his intake on MyFitnessPal. Even if he under-reports (highly likely) at least he'll be starting to pay attention to what he's putting in his mouth.

I think he has a bigger issue somewhere, which the food is hiding. sounds like he's lost respect for himself

I always think you have to either accept it, or leave (in which scenario I imagine most peope would accept it.

You can't maje someone stop overeating.

You cannot make yourself responsible for your partner's health. You can devisemenus, cook low-cal, but it makes no difference. If someone doesn't WANT to exercise, there are excuses. If someone WANTS to overeat, they can eat biscuits after their healthy meal.

You cannot make someone lose weight.

What idiot health advisor told him apart from being overweight, he was healthy FFS It's like saying, 'Apart from the 40 a day habit you are a non smoker'. Idiocy.

So glad that you haven't been flamed for this op and had a sensible discussion instead. We need to be able to have a really serious talk about weight as a nation rather than being silenced so we don't hurt anyone's feelings. I was at my children's swimming lessons the other day, almost all the children looked overweight or at least very few looked slim, the way I imagine children are supposed to look. People need to face up to the problem we have.

Setting aside the motivations for overeating, the really big problem is that compared with 40 years ago, food is delicious and plentiful.
40 years ago there were were no pizzerias, kebab shops, KFCs or McDonald's. There were no cook-chill ready meals, cookies, high sugar cereals, sauces in jars or premium ice creams. No oven chips.
Nor were foods enhanced with fat for mouthfeel and extra salt and sugar to stimulate tastebuds.
Meat recovery from carcasses using high pressure water had not been invented. Meat itself was expensive: a chicken cost a day's wages, and we all ate fatty NZ lamb.
Modern food is what heroin would like to be: rich enough to own government, 100% addiction rates, killer of millions.

My DH has always been overweight and a greedy eater - whole bags of crisps, midnight snacking, large chocolate bars etc. He ate after I'd gone to bed and just did it because he was bored - it became an annoying habit. His portion sizes were out of control and he very rarely exercised. He would hover over me in the kitchen to ensure he had more than anyone else at meal times.

I've nagged, encouraged him with family healthy eating, only bought healthy foods, insisted on going out to do activities, led by example etc. Nothing worked.

In January this year a light bulb went on - his clothes were too tight, he struggled with stairs, he felt shitty basically - I think he was mildly depressed.

He joined weight watchers and lost two stone, then he took up walking, then light running, last month he joined the gym - he has lost another stone. He feels absolutely wonderful and is enjoying buying new clothes and healthy meal plans (he's can be a reformed dieter and annoying some times!)

He'll tell you (as he told me) that he knew he had to do something - he knew he was fat, unfit and putting his health in danger - but it was only when something clicked that he did something (it was EXACTLY the same when he gave up smoking) . It has to come from him otherwise there's no motivation to continue. Try not to beat yourself up about it - there is honestly nothing you can do - if he wants to change it will come in time.