Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh has put too much weight on.

109 replies

Kimononono · 28/04/2016 21:01

I'm prepared to be flamed on this.

I I've my Dh and I can't imagine life with out him. He is a wonderful father and great husband. I do not want to leave him.

But he has put a lot of weight on in the last five years and doesn't look like the man I met. I didn't mind it at first when he started putting it on because he has a beautiful face and is tall and could still carry it off but from Christmas it's like he has gone in to over drive and has been massively over eating. His face is bloated and he looks nine months pregnant. He is 20 stone.

L

OP posts:
SpareCrust · 29/04/2016 10:43

I'm bowing out now (work to do) and hope the op finds some answers.

The op has expressed her opinions and as far as I was concerned she wasn't being disrespectful to her dh in doing so. She started out her post by saying what a wonderful father and great dh he is.

It was the language of some other posters that I was challenging.

pippistrelle · 29/04/2016 10:43

To be fair to the OP, she has come here, expressed herself clearly and honestly but hasn't used those terms about her husband. And I'm pretty sure not to her husband either.

It's very complex, OP, and I hope you and your husband find a way to tackle it.

ItsALuigi · 29/04/2016 10:58

OP, your DH won't change until he is ready imo.

Like I said before my husband is big and he knows it. Things still remain the same. I wouldn't risk telling him I find him less attractive than I used to I think this would do more harm than good self esteem wise.

I have though called my DH greedy on several occasions. I've felt bad afterwards. But he was being greedy. He often makes jokes about me eating everything and it hurts but puts some embarassment on me and think about what I am eating. He wouldn't call me fat though.

suzannecaravaggio · 29/04/2016 11:07

Eating thousands of calories a day unless you're a lumberjack
Sometimes it seems to be to do with masculinity..'a real man puts away a lot of food'
But obviously very few men do that kind of heavy labour these days, even so it was a central part of masculine identity for traditional working class men, maybe eating like a man even if you don't have the opportunity to work like a man is somehow important to them?

catbasilio · 29/04/2016 11:19

I am overweight and I admit being greedy and lazy at times. I know that, but still I wouldn't want to be called it aloud. It would be counteractive and simply unhelpful.

Dellarobia · 29/04/2016 11:30

I agree, it's not that it's 'wrong' to call someone greedy, I'm happy to call a spade a spade, it's more about what you are trying to achieve by saying that.

If you think that shaming them is likely to make them finally do something about the issue, it's important that you understand it's far more likely to send them in the direction of the nearest biscuit tin. Because if their emotional response to stressful situations is to comfort eat, then that is how they would tend to deal with that situation.

So call someone greedy if you like. But don't expect it to help them to lose weight.

MatildaTheCat · 29/04/2016 11:44

Obesity is complex. There is a Free Online Course starting next week on FutureLearn which I am going to do. Others may be interested.

OP, if you are still reading good luck with finding a solution. Honesty and good communication are the best tools for most relationship issues so perhaps that's where to start.

Kimononono · 29/04/2016 11:53

Morning thread. I didn't want this thread to turn nasty. I'm not a 'fat hater'

I hVe never and would never say to my Dh that he is fat. I have however have said he was being greedy because is. And he says it himself.

I do respect my Dh and I have no intention of leaving BUT I don't respect the fact he treats his body like this.

As for when couples are with each other it's inevitable that people will change such has weight or appearance. Going grey is something that cannot be stopped. It's a biological change. Putting a few pounds/stone on maybe due to gravity and generally just getting older but piling weight on due to massive over eating and greed is solely self inflicted.

is it ok to drastically change your appearance when married/settled? Would I have chosen to go out with Dh back when when we first met with him at this weight? No I wouldn't. Because I wouldn't have been physically attracted to him. And that swings both ways. If I was five stone heavier when we met he wouldn't have looked twice at me. And that brings me to the point of - who is in the wrong when I don't want to have sex with him because of his apathy to sort his weight out? I really don't think sexual attraction is something you can turn on and off. So should I just lie back and think of England or should he sort his shit out and get it shifted. His weight then has become both of our problem.

We actually go away on Sunday for a week and when we get back he starts with a personal trainer and a detox plan which we have paid through the nose for. This is all through his PT. He said this morning when dd picked his bottle ok Coke up ' I'll put that away, dad starts his detox when he gets back" - which was for my benifit as he knows my hatred for Coke / fizzy sugar laden drinks. God knows if he will stick to it. I really really hope he does for both of our sakes

I'm also worried on the impact on my Dd as she wants what he is drinking/eating. If he takes her out he will buy her crisps/doughnuts so she wouldnt then eat her next meal.

OP posts:
pippistrelle · 29/04/2016 12:03

is it ok to drastically change your appearance when married/settled?

In very many ways, yes of course it is. Ultimately, we can all only decide whether each change is something we can tolerate. That doesn't mean that you're not allowed to vent or discuss the offending item, whether that's fat, a huge tattoo, body modification, or a dodgy hair cut.

Kidnapped · 29/04/2016 12:04

OP, you have a very clear view of the problem. And you are trying to help your husband - cooking healthily for him etc.

As a general point, if we can't say what the problem is to our partners "You are eating too much and it is damaging your health and relationships within the family" then what is the solution?

Say nothing and put up with it and eventually become a carer for your partner as he is able to do less and less? Meanwhile the children miss out on having an active parent and even start to adopt the same eating habits as said parent.

Say nothing and leave with the children?

Or try to help in fixing the problem? How can you try and fix a problem without identifying what the problem is?

MeganChips · 29/04/2016 12:09

I agree with you OP.

My DH is a lovely man but he too has gained a lot of weight. He's always been on the chunky side which I didn't mind but he's now over 18st. Nothing fits him and he has zero pride in his appearance in general. He's not depressed, just complacent.

I'm just not finding him attractive at the moment. I wouldn't tell him because I don't want to hurt his feelings and I'm hoping he himself out a bit soon as he's always promising to do. He knows he's fat.

It grates on me because I make an effort appearance wise and he makes none and I'm not just talking weight but grooming in general.

I'm not too sure what to do but I understand where you're coming from.

donajimena · 29/04/2016 12:16

My partner is putting on weight. I don't say anything negative about it to him at all but I wonder where 'it' will stop.
I worry about his cholesterol and his heart. I do still fancy him but I do feel less attracted I see him shovelling a family bag of revels down his throat after a huge meal. Ive got my own bag which will last me a week. Sad

peppatax · 29/04/2016 13:06

I think some posters have taken comments on here out of context... No one was suggesting OP call her DH greedy or lazy, but were acknowledging that they are not attractive qualities. By continually overeating and not doing any physical activity he is causing his own circumstances and that is hard for OP to deal with when she wants ideas to help. Quite rightly he has to change by himself but OP has to manage the circumstances now that he is less attractive to her by virtue of not taking care of himself.

SouthWestmom · 29/04/2016 13:14

I agree with lealander

I just don't think that in many cases (and definitively not my dh's) that it's a complicated emotional thing.

I don't see anymore than he likes the taste, is greedy and doesn't care - he's not single, he's got a family, it's like he's just doing his thing.

So for me, it's about language being accurate. I'm not going to waste time coming up with excuses for someone sitting on the sofa, slumped with beer in one hand and a family bag of maltesers in the other.

oldlaundbooth · 29/04/2016 13:18

How's things going Kimononono?

SpareCrust · 29/04/2016 13:21

Just to be very clear, and if everyone reads the thread properly, I recognised that the op had not been disrespectful to her partner, wanted to find ways to help him, and posted that down thread. I did not call her a fat hater, in fact I started my posts by saying that I wasn't specifically referring to her.

I also did not object to identifying a problem, or calling a spade a spade.

What I did object to was the unhelpful words "greedy" "lazy" "disgusting" and terms such as "shovelling in"

OK?

SpareCrust · 29/04/2016 13:23

were the unhelpful words

UptheAnty · 29/04/2016 13:37

I think you are being very fair op, you are obviously upset.
It seems your dh isn't considering the sexual part of your marriage or your feelings in general. I can see that you feel upset that communication with him isn't going well.
Sorry if it's been said but is he depressed? Did this start because of something or do you think it is habitual now?
I wouldn't be to pleased about the bad example he's setting to your dc - it appears that he is undermining you. It's tough being the 'bad' parent all the time...
It's quite selfish of him and I understand you want a partner not another child.

I hope you are able to continue to support your dh and that he comes to his senses before its to late Flowers

Timeforabiscuit · 29/04/2016 13:38

My DH overeats, over drinks and over works. It has meant he has physically changed for the heavier, goes through periods of losing weight and is a constant battle.

I've done the whole supporting through meals and got thoroughly cross that I changed the whole way the family ate to accommodate and then he went off on a lunch and ate what he liked anyway!

I carry on modelling healthier eating, I plate up healthy portions and I've shown him my fitness pal. It really is in his hands, he is getting better, I can see the binges aren't as frantic so the pressure off approach is far more productive.

It goes far far deeper than greed, my DH has never been lazy, he will crack it one day and I'll be bloody proud of him when he does.

MrsJorahMormont · 29/04/2016 13:42

I think if people are emotional eaters, it often starts when they are very young so it's a long term behaviour. It might wax and wane but it's an established pattern of dealing with stress - self-soothing as someone said upthread. Often people do it for a long time unnoticed, until they reach a tipping point where they begin to gain weight. I binge ate intermittently through my teens but because I was thin it went unnoticed. Your husband probably overate for years but while he was sporty he was able to get away with it.

I agree with spare that the language that is used to describe overeaters is often incredibly value-laden. I know a lot of people who 'self-soothe' with a glass or two of wine a night but you'll never hear them described as 'lazy', 'disgusting', 'greedy'. In fact, Caitlin Moran has written about overeating being the addiction of choice for copers and responsible types, especially women. Self-soothing while still being able to do all the things that have to be done.

OP, you have every right to find your husband less attractive - that's absolutely fair enough. But look at it from his point of view. He knows he's overweight, he tries to make changes, then lapses. He fails, for a while, then he tries again. It's a cycle.

Your husband is using food as more than fuel. He's using it to cope with stress, to reward himself, to block other negative feelings and thoughts he probably can't even articulate ('God, I'm a big fat failure, look at the state of me, can't even stay on my diet, I bet they saw me sweating on the stairs in work today, I bet the missus doesn't even fancy me anymore.') And food is cheap and freely available and pleasurable and can make all the stress and boredom and tiredness disappear while it's going down your throat.

Your husband knows he is fat. He might laugh off comments but he knows. We all know. We're just not always sure what to do about it. For me, CBT and more awareness and compassion for myself is helping, slowly but surely. My binges are shorter now - a few days rather than weeks. Change is coming from me because I'm the only one it can come from.

DownstairsMixUp · 29/04/2016 13:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MrsJorahMormont · 29/04/2016 14:16

Downstairs, I honestly don't think there is a universal good way Sad I know that sounds churlish and unhelpful but believe me, your SIL knows she has gained weight. She doesn't need anyone to tell her. She's already feeling either rebellion ('Fuck you! Why should I be skinny just because the media tells me to be? I will eat what I want and enjoy life!') or failure ('Oh God, I'm so fat, I need to lose weight, why can't I stick to my diet, now even my mum's having a go, how's that supposed to help?')

For me health is my primary motivator to lose weight but it tends to be an internal thing where I start to feel a bit rubbish, lose weight, feel better, get complacent, start eating more rubbish again. It moves in cycles from there. and of course the problem is that 'bad' food is often delicious. It's designed to be.

DownstairsMixUp · 29/04/2016 15:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AyeAmarok · 29/04/2016 15:44

I don't think tiptoeing round the language helps to be honest.

It is greedy. Eating too much is greedy. You may say it's because of deep-rooted childhood issues etc but it is still greedy to eat more food than you need. If your weight is constantly increasing, then you're eating more than you should be and you know what you need to do to stop it.

I have a tendency to be greedy. I eat more than someone of my size needs to eat. I'm aware of that, so I need to be conscious of this proclivity of mine and either reign it in against my desires, or do a shit-load of intense exercise to stop myself ballooning.

My DP can also be greedy. But again, he knows this. So we talk about it openly. Neither of us are attracted to overweight people so we do what we have to do to keep ourselves in check.

If there was a medical reason then that's different, but otherwise, it's just self-control and self-discipline. I'd love to just sit and binge eat and slob on the sofa every day, and have DP's dinner as well as my own. But it wouldn't be good for my weight, my health, my hobbies and interests, my relationship, my family or any other part of my life. So I don't.

Kimononono · 29/04/2016 15:45

megan exactly the same here. Although I have said something about him not making much of an effort - which he agreed with. Tbh he couldnt say otherwise !

I've done the whole supporting through meals and got thoroughly cross that I changed the whole way the family ate to accommodate and then he went off on a lunch and ate what he liked anyway

^^ this

I can see it from Dh point of view. I can be sympathetic and try and understand how he must be feeling. Which all very fine and well but it doesn't help with how I feel sexually towards him - I'd be more or less be giving him a sympathy shag (sorry) If let this continue. The closeness of sex is important to me. I miss not wanting to have sex. I know I keep bringing it back to sex but it's an issue for me. We're only young and I don't want want us to be like this.

It's ok saying people need to want to lose weight for themselves which is ok if your single. If your in a relastionship you should at least try and at least put a bit of effort in.

I think he knows when we get back off holiday is d-day

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread