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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husbands just been arrested and I'm freaking out

104 replies

Redstorm2807 · 06/03/2016 03:06

What a great mothers day I'm going to have. He's an alcoholic who refuses to get help and has been charged with drink driving. He blew over the limit at the station. I can't get back to sleep, my mind is reeling now about what will happen if he loses loses his job or goes to prison.

OP posts:
Sometimesithinkimbonkers · 06/03/2016 03:11

It really depends on what he does for a job! I doubt very much he will Go to prison!
Stop stressing .....

RudeElf · 06/03/2016 03:14

He didnt crash did he? He was just pulled over and breathalised? Or did he refuse to give a sample which is why he gave it at the station?

TheSinkingFeeling · 06/03/2016 03:15

I think they have to have the result confirmed at the station anyway; the hand held things are not reliable as evidence, I think.

Original poster
Redstorm2807 · 06/03/2016 03:17

He crashed into a wall and then ran. He's such an idiot. They came to they house and he's trying to claim the car was stolen. Surely the fact he crashed, left the scene of an accident and then lied is going to make this really quite a lot more serious!

OP posts:
Original poster
Redstorm2807 · 06/03/2016 03:18

I can't believe he would do this to us. What was he thinking?

OP posts:
TheSinkingFeeling · 06/03/2016 03:19

Possibly. He is an idiot, yes. A very dangerous one.
It's easy to say, but there's no point second guessing the criminal justice system. He'll certainly get the driving ban though.

Original poster
Redstorm2807 · 06/03/2016 03:20

He wanted me to answer the door and pretend we were both in bed. I said I wouldn't lie to the police and I stand by that but I also feel really guilty.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 06/03/2016 03:22

Well, it's probably going to be a bit more than three points on his licence, yes.

But it might be the rock bottom reality check he needs to sort himself the fuck out. Possibly a blessing in disguise.

Original poster
Redstorm2807 · 06/03/2016 03:23

He's done this before but didn't get caught. Part of me has hoped for this to give him a wake up call but now it has... If he doesn't stop drinking now I think I'm going to have to leave him. I don't want our daughter growing up with a drunk daddy.

OP posts:
TheSinkingFeeling · 06/03/2016 03:23

Don't feel guilty for that; the police don't like being lied to, and they aren't daft either.

Original poster
Redstorm2807 · 06/03/2016 03:25

Yes you're right. Of course. He brought his keys back to the house so its pretty obvious he was driving. I wasn't going to lie to them. I'm not even angry with him yet. I think I'm in shock.

OP posts:
abbsismyhero · 06/03/2016 03:26

perhaps its time he got help then? i know your feeling stressed but really? your worrying about the wrong things he got pissed and crashed the car into a wall what if he hit someone? it could be so much worse my unhelpful comment is you should be grateful he hit a wall not a house/human/animal at least he is still alive to lie to the police

www.gov.uk/drink-driving-penalties

the prisons are full to bursting so its unlikely he will go down he might lose his licence he will get points he will get a fine and he may well lose his licence which i think as he is an alcoholic is a good thing

happy mothers day Flowers

(dont mean to be so harsh but its three am and im not sleeping at all ive a bad back three kids and no patience)

Notgoodatall · 06/03/2016 03:26

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to go back up again. Really sorry you're dealing with this

RudeElf · 06/03/2016 03:26

Dont feel guilty. Yes it is a lot more serious. He will lose his license (hopefully) is his job dependant on having to drive?

Original poster
Redstorm2807 · 06/03/2016 03:29

I hear you I do, I HATE him for doing this and putting himself and others at risk. He should lose his license and he does need to get help.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 06/03/2016 03:30

As someone who found a drunk driver after he crashed into a parked lorry, who buried my cousin after he was killed by a drunk driver and today heard how my neighbours parked car was written off by a drunk driver who fled the scene (and she is now without a vehicle until he is prosecuted which can take months- has work to get to and a child to get to school on her own) i think thank fuck your DH has been caught and you should be grateful he walked home. Fwiw you dont have to support him through the consequences of this. I couldnt.

Original poster
Redstorm2807 · 06/03/2016 03:31

He doesn't drive for work but very difficult for him to get to work without a car.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 06/03/2016 03:32

Well he'll have to manage it. Dont worry about it tonight. Nothing can be done to fix it and certainly not tonight. Try and get some sleep.

JohnThomas69 · 06/03/2016 03:32

Whatever you do, do not lie for him. You'll end up in a whole world of trouble. If it ever goes to court perjury is a far more serious offence than drink driving.

BoxofSnails · 06/03/2016 03:34

Hi OP - this might be his rock bottom - I hope so. But it sounds like it might be your moment of clarity too.

Alcoholism is an incurable disease but sobriety puts it into remission - I've been sober coming up 4 years and heard many stories. They have much in common - in drink, alcoholics lie, they protect the drink and themselves above all else, they lack courage, they lack the ability to do the right thing. In despair and pain, recovery can really be born.

For you - don't keep his secrets, get yourself to Al- Anon, or an open AA meeting, be brutally honest but also very gentle with yourself. You are currently the only parent able to make the right decision for your daughter. I'm sure this isn't the first time his drinking has impacted your home life, your relationship and maybe indirectly your daughter? Time to stop sweeping them all under the carpet - let the light of honesty and openness do a bit of spring cleaning.

You've had a huge shock and reality check. You and your girl are enough - enjoy her today and keep talking.

Bogeyface · 06/03/2016 03:34

He doesn't drive for work but very difficult for him to get to work without a car.

Step one in realising the real consequences of his drinking. Its no bad thing.

What job does he do? Given he doesnt need to drive for work, he is unlikely to lose his job.

Original poster
Redstorm2807 · 06/03/2016 03:36

Thank you, no it's not the first time his drinking has affected us. Not by a long way. You're right, things will have to change.

OP posts:
biscuiteer · 06/03/2016 03:45

So sorry that you have had so much to deal with. It's bloody horrendous living with an alcoholic who won't get help.
Now that this has happened, he might wake up and smell the coffee. He might realise he will lose you and your daughter. Who knows, with a bit of luck he will just wake up to just himself being an alcoholic. Needs rock bottom or to be close to rock bottom so this may be it. If it doesn't happen are you able to carry on after this?
By not going along with his own way-head in sand denial- anymore, you have just taken a big step yourself. Maybe now if you say get help or I leave, he will take any alcohol programme offered to him. He needs to soberly realise quite a few hard truths, not least that he is lucky he didn't kill himself or anyone else.
This could be a good thing in the end for you all. Short term, he is looking at losing license, possible sentence or suspended sentence based upon previous convictions and basically he needs to own up to his shit now, say he wants help and get it. That's what he needs to do. For you, RL support, and lots of t if you can, talk and be honest to family and friends, look after yourself. It's draining and you will be exhausted from having to live with this.

AyeAmarok · 06/03/2016 04:31

Poor you. Your husband is an arse.

I'm glad you didn't lie to the police, you would just have made yourself look stupid, and you'd have been enabling him. Drink driving is pretty low in my book too and I think you should be relieved that he didn't crash into people and injure them. Hopefully he learns this lesson without anyone innocent having to be injured.

Now, practicalities. Yes, he'll lose his licence. That is a good thing. Do you share a car? If not and he has his own then sell it, because I get the feeling that your DH might just drive anyway.

If he has a very long journey to work on buses and trains, then this is good. That is his punishment for risking innocent people's lives (more than once). Don't bail him out by driving him there yourself and making all his inconvenience your inconvenience.

I would maybe think about leaving if he doesn't agree to quit drinking completely. But for today just spend the day with your DC and be grateful nobody was hurt (as much as it doesn't feel like it, that was some very good fortune). Nothing much will happen tomorrow so just take care of yourself and try to relax

Flowers for you though, getting caught up in this.

Squeegle · 06/03/2016 04:37

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
But please don't feel guilty. Alcoholics thrive on it always being someone else's fault. Well done for not covering up. You would have then got yourself into trouble.
His decision all the way. He needs to choose to get help (or not)
YOU need to choose how to live best for you and your daughter.

Please, like PP said, be honest with people; it's not your shame. By covering up, it makes you feel like it's your secret.

I have been in a similar place; you can get out; you can detach mentally, it's not easy but it's about changing YOUR way of thinking. Al anon may help. It's hard on your own. But you can do it.