My husbands just been arrested and I'm freaking out

[Redstorm2807]

What a great mothers day I'm going to have. He's an alcoholic who refuses to get help and has been charged with drink driving. He blew over the limit at the station. I can't get back to sleep, my mind is reeling now about what will happen if he loses loses his job or goes to prison.

I'd be surprised if he's home today. Given the extra charges hell be facing I'd think he'll probably be held for court tomorrow. I hope that's the case. A couple of nights in the cells might make him think

for you. Hope it will be a wakeup call for him and he'll get the help that he needs.

I desperately hope he wakes up this morning and admits he did it and apologises for leaving the scene and misleading them. He needs to take ownership of this.

For those who asked, I didn't grow up with parents who drink but he did. His dad drives after having half a bottle of wine and thinks nothing of it. Husband is definitely of opinion that because he drinks a lot he can drive over the limit as he has a higher tolerance. Convenient how he admits to having a problem when it means he can drI've drink but not when I ask him to get help.

No advice as you've been given loads but wanted to just send a hug as you must be feeling awful and in shock still. I hope you have rl support to help you make decisions about where you go from here with regards your marriage.

Redstorm,

re your comments in quote marks:-

"I desperately hope he wakes up this morning and admits he did it and apologises for leaving the scene and misleading them. He needs to take ownership of this".

He won't take ownership of this, you will probably do that for him and that course of action will do you no good either. It will only further your own co-dependency here which is not healthy either.

"For those who asked, I didn't grow up with parents who drink but he did. His dad drives after having half a bottle of wine and thinks nothing of it. Husband is definitely of opinion that because he drinks a lot he can drive over the limit as he has a higher tolerance. Convenient how he admits to having a problem when it means he can drI've drink but not when I ask him to get help".

Not at all surprised he grew up with this; alcoholism can sometimes be a learnt behaviour. He is showing and telling you all the usual behaviours associated with a person in denial; alcoholics are often in denial about their own actions. You asking him to get help is a complete waste of time and effort; the only person who can do that is he and he alone. You can only help your own self here and talking to Al-anon would be a start.

He has to decide for his own self to get help; any coercion to do so from you or anyone else is doomed to failure. You cannot help him and (I mean this kindly) you're the last person who can help him. He does not want your help. He has previously refused to seek help and nothing has changed even now. He is nowhere near that point yet and may never be either; losing his licence won't itself make him address the root causes of his alcoholism. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still continue to drink afterwards.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not. Is this really what you want for her going forward?. You're really just lurching from crisis to crisis here and she is also picking up on all this too. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you have completely removed yourself from the situation and off the merry go around.

He needs a wake up call before he hurts himself or someone else. Tell him you'll help and stand by him through any treatment, but he needs to decide if he wants his family and his job or if he wants to be a bum. I feel sorry that your dealing with this on mothers day.

My Ex was an alchoholic.... Never had any motivation to change... so guess what nothing did..We left..

It sounds like you are waiting for that lightbulb moment to come.. Some point you have to put yourself and your DD together...

The fact this isn't the first time it has happended and his behaviour didn't change tells you something

OP you need to decide where your rock bottom is. How much more of this are you prepared to tolerate? How bad does it have to get before you say 'enough'?

My father was an alcoholic, how ever much my mother tried to shield it from me it was always there and ruined most of my memories looking back. Even insignificant things like he wouldn't take me to the cinema as it was too long to go without a drink.

You cant compensate for his behaviour to your child and they will become aware of their fathers drinking and the realisation you mean less to your parent than drink is pretty hard to come to terms with.

I hope things get better for you op

Well he's on his way home. He's been charged with drink driving and has a court date in 3 weeks time. He seems to think it will only be a driving ban and a fine if he's convicted. I don't see how they wouldn't convict him.

Is he going to plead guilty or be an arse and waste time and resources by going to trial?

OMG.
How do you feel about it? What are you going to say if he's all "Oh I'll be ok, it's "only" a driving ban" type of attitude?

clearly he's not going to change.
so what are you going to do?

Go out. If you are there when he gets home it will only cause a row. Can you call alanon for advice.

Is this enough for you to leave him?

If not, why not?

His attitude is indeed shitty. Minimising.

How awful. thank goodness he didn't kill someone.

Good Lord, what if one of your dc's had been in the car?
Is he remotely contrite?

He should plead guilty. If he pleads not guilty he will go to trial & the mags will see straight through him. If he pleads guilty the magistrates will give him a lesser sentence.

I'd also ask him how he's expecting to get around in his year (at least) without a car and make it clear you won't be his chauffeur. He sounds like an arrogant dick tbh, OP. I feel for you.

It will be extremely difficult to ever get insurance once the ban finishes too. If he manages to find anyone who will cover him, it will cost thousands.

This happened to me, or rather my exH is a alcoholic who was arrested for drunk-driving. It was only after we separated that he admitted he'd driven me home from the hospital with our PFB whilst drunk. I had no idea.

I supported him through his recovery for a while but it was miserable. I lived in fear of him relapsing and it made me ill too. I'm a lone parent now and we have little contact with him. It isn't what I'd have chosen for me and our sons but I couldn't live with a drunk or sober alcoholic.

It's been a really long, hard road for us as a family and I get very angry sometimes (four years on) that he put us all through it. I feel embarrassed too that he would do something as dangerous and selfish as driving whilst drunk.

I wish you all the very best.

Op.

I'm a mum,one of my children's lives was trashed by a drink driver.

Thank you for not lying for him.

My husband had a little brother who was killed by a drunk driver

His whole family was torn apart just because one idiot likes a drink. And this guy has been convicted three times now over the last 30 years.

Never been to jail tho despite killing someone...