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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husbands just been arrested and I'm freaking out

104 replies

Redstorm2807 · 06/03/2016 03:06

What a great mothers day I'm going to have. He's an alcoholic who refuses to get help and has been charged with drink driving. He blew over the limit at the station. I can't get back to sleep, my mind is reeling now about what will happen if he loses loses his job or goes to prison.

OP posts:
velourvoyageur · 06/03/2016 04:57

Oh goodness OP, I'm sorry I have no useful advice, but what a shock for you Flowers bon courage for what's ahead & I hope you can still have some nice Mother's day time with the DC. You'll get through this.

anklebitersmum · 06/03/2016 04:58

Flowers Whatever happens remember this was in no way your fault.

He chose his actions. He can't choose the consequences.

Most un-MN hug coming your way OP.

Dumdedumdedum · 06/03/2016 05:21

Flowers FlowersFlowers for Mother's Day. You don't need any more advice, just survive today as best you can and maybe seriously rethink your future with (without?) him.

Nobodyspecialanymore · 06/03/2016 05:42

He's not an asshole, he's an addict. Believe me, he's not having fun. Ask yourself if you still love him, if you do could you accept he's sick? That illness is a compulsion, a physical need he has, which is hurting him, and you. Please try to hate the illness, not the man.
Try to talk to him, see if he's willing to get sober. Try and decide if the man he is, minus the illness is someone worth saving.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/03/2016 06:25

He's an addict, yes, but he's still a fuckwit who chose to drive a potentially lethal weapon while drunk.
Being an addict is one thing - risking killing innocent people and/or himself is another.

If he doesn't choose to seek help after this, then I'm pretty sure I'd leave him, if it were me. I certainly wouldn't allow my children in the car with him ever again, EVER, unless I was there too and was sure he was sober.

Just supposing he does get a licence back for driving, there is a thing called an interlock that you can have put into the car; this is an in-car breathalyser that locks the ignition unless you blow under the limit for alcohol. IF you were to stay with him, and he promised to change etc. etc., I would insist he had one of these. They're slightly annoying - we have one because DH's company sells them so they have to be in his car for demo purposes - but far FAR less annoying than having the car damaged/written off/involved in a fatal crash.

marriednotdead · 06/03/2016 06:41

Poor you Flowers

Don't hold back your anger here, he tried to take you down with him by demanding that you to lie to the police! Yes addiction is an illness but it invokes behaviour that has devastating consequences and it should may make you look hard at your future together.

My ex did something similar a few years before we met. He was banned for a year and fined. Drink driving stays on your licence for 11 years and my insurance company at the time wouldn't touch him for the first 5.

I suspect this is a symptom of a bigger problem...

Snowybelle · 06/03/2016 06:47

^ EXCELLENT idea for all alcoholics thumb. What a great invention.

It's always the innocent who suffer.

This is a blessing in disguise op. Time for him make some changes before the worst happens. Get him to imagine a drunk driver hitting your daughter. Because that could have been one of our daughters/sons tonight. And that would be my life over too. I could not live without dd.

Well done for not lying to the police.

This is going to be hard. I wish you luck op. You don't deserve to deal with this yourself. I feel so bad for you and your dd. Please be strong. Flowers

Costacoffeeplease · 06/03/2016 06:52

Yes, he may be an addict but he chose to drive rather than get a taxi, then tried to get you to lie to the police to cover up for him

I would be absolutely fuming with him, he's more than crossed a line here

Definitely time for things to change, you know you don't have to put up with this?

MsJamieFraser · 06/03/2016 06:58

I hope he goes to prison, actions like your husbands are the reason my femur bone is now a metal rod!

while I am sorry this is happening to you, it isn't the first time he has been drink driving, hes just lucky he crashed into a wall and not a person!

Duckdeamon · 06/03/2016 07:03

This is the consequences for him of drinking and making bad decisions. Lucky he didn't hurt anyone.

And the consequences for you of staying with him. Why not leave him now? Getting sober is entirely his responsibility.

Baconyum · 06/03/2016 07:03

Child of an alcoholic here.

I struggle with the addiction as illness philosophy.

Even if you do believe addiction is an illness, CHOOSING to drink and drive IS NOT! I've An aunt who was hit by one and it resulted in her being disabled and unable to have children. And a friend who lost her unborn child she was 8.5 months pregnant.

As both a child of a drunk and with what you've posted about him asking you to LIE TO THE POLICE I'd kick him out!

Has he ever driven drunk with your daughter in the car? My dad used to swear blind he didn't but he did. Sheer luck nothing happened.

lunar1 · 06/03/2016 07:05

I think it's perfectly valid to hate the man in the case of a drunk driver, the op doesn't need to feel guilty for that.

Nobody would expect you to stand by him over this, so don't feel pressured to if you want out.

Phalenopsisgirl · 06/03/2016 07:11

Poor you what a shit Mother's Day, we have a staff member at work who did this, repeatedly, drink drive conviction after speeding conviction after drink driving. He had more points than you can have and still drive and yet kept his licence, then just got done at twice the drink drive limit. He lost his licence for 2 years and has to go on a course ( weeks not just one of these day things) as part of the condition he didn't go to prison. This will probably go this way for you dh too. He will have to accept a course of treatment as part of his penalty so this may be a positive thing in the long term. X

DeoGratias · 06/03/2016 07:34

Amazing suggestions that alcoholilcs are to blame on this thread! It is an illness. Horrible to live with and might mean you don't want to be married to him but the idea he is 100% responsible is not really so. You did very well not to lie for him.

OliviaBenson · 06/03/2016 07:39

I'm sorry he is 100% responsible. He chose to get in the car and drive.

The fact he wanted you to lie shows the depths he will go to to avoid responsibility. If his drinking is that bad, he is a ticking time bomb anyway in terms of employment etc.

Daughter of an alcoholic here. Please have a think about what you want to do op. This is no life for you or your children. Look after yourselves x

Nobodyspecialanymore · 06/03/2016 07:40

Hugs, Deo. Negative attitudes like that stop people from getting the help they need. What's the point stopping if no one stands by and loves them. Op, if he's otherwise a good man,with a bad problem, please consider loving him and helping him get well, so he can be a better husband, father, and not tortured by booze.

FigMango1 · 06/03/2016 07:40

Deo if he drove and killed someone the law would hold him 100% responsible. So whilst you may see it an illness on poor old him, he is choosing to not do anything about it.

Helmetbymidnight · 06/03/2016 07:42

He's an addict and a complete fucking asshole.

SorryFlowers for you op.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 06/03/2016 07:43

How are you feeling today OP? Brew and Flowers

Here's the positive:

no one died
you didn't get flustered at 3am and lie to the police, which you would have regretted for the rest of your life
something major might happen now which will change all this.

Good luck and fucking well done for holding it together so far. I hope things will be better now

Goingtobeawesome · 06/03/2016 07:43

You did the right thing not lying to the police. Carry on making the right choices.

LucilleLeSueur · 06/03/2016 07:47

Another child and grandchild of alcoholics here - both of them frequently drove drunk and the shame and fear are still with me.

I love my dad but I wish my mum had left him before his drinking affected me so badly.

Alcoholism is a disease but drink-driving is separate to that.

Well done for not lying OP - this must be really hard for you. Here's hoping this is his wake-up call. However for my dad it wasn't 😔

mudandmayhem01 · 06/03/2016 07:49

Being an alcoholic maybe an illness, but driving whilst drunk is 100% his responsibility. Epilepsy is an illness, someone with uncontrolled epilepsy who drove would also be 100% responsible for their foolish actions.

Baconyum · 06/03/2016 07:51

If he's not responsible who the hell is?!

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 06/03/2016 07:52

Doe and nobody - your advice sounds very much like enabling and excusing to me.
He may not be able to control his drinking but he made a choice to drive and that was 100% his responsibility.

lunar1 · 06/03/2016 07:54

An alcoholic can chose not to drink drive, it's not an inevitable consequence of alcoholism.

For me the only way to redeem this would be to chose to sell his car so it isn't possible to happen again.

Get rid of it until 6/12 months after he has stopped drinking completely. It doesn't sound like he is drunk all the time so he should be capable of this decision. It may be harder to get to work but he will have to deal with that.

Then as thumb said, get a breathalyser fitted when he is ready to own a car again.