My husbands just been arrested and I'm freaking out

[Redstorm2807]

What a great mothers day I'm going to have. He's an alcoholic who refuses to get help and has been charged with drink driving. He blew over the limit at the station. I can't get back to sleep, my mind is reeling now about what will happen if he loses loses his job or goes to prison.

Could you take your dc somewhere nice today and try and chill out together?

This is an awful situation for you op.

It is entirely in your dhs hands how he deals with his problem.

The first step is acknowledging that he does have a problem, a lot of alcoholics daily to do this.

If he can't do that then he will simply carry on making excuse after excuse for his wrongdoing.

Don't rush into any decision. However you will not change him, he alone can do that.

There is no plus side to being with an alcoholic though. You are entitled to leave at any point and listening to the children/ partners of alcoholics it is often the only solution.

Alcoholism is an addiction and could be called a disease, but there's lots of help out there to treat it (AA, etc). If an alcoholic refuses to acknowledge their illness and treatment, and drives a car under the influence, they're not just an addict, they're an asshole. A dangerous one at that.

In my opinion, all drunk drivers should be jailed, in order to act both as a serious deterrent, and to force them into treatment and sobriety. After release, they should be regularly tested and monitored, and banned from driving until they've been 100% drink free for at least two years (if they're ever allowed to drive again).

Sadly the prison system is fit to bursting, so drunk drivers rarely get more than a slap on the wrist with a short ban and a fine unless they injure or kill someone.

I feel for you op. Not a great Mother's Day. He will most likely get at least a 12 month ban. If he admits he has an alcohol problem they may let him reduce his ban by attending a Drink Impaired Driver's programme. It reduces the ban by a third I think. So 12 months becomes 9 months.

I drove for the first time today in years, now I'm dried out and sober.
He was wrong to drive, you were right not to lie for him.
But addictions make good people do bad things.
Once he recognizes that the booze is a problem, he's part of the way to getting sober and being the husband you deserve.

Good luck - AA can work. It's a good first step. As is CBT.

There is a point when people are so drunk, that conscious choice is not possible - which doesn't make their actions right but it does make them not pre-meditated.

it must have been difficult when he was asking you to lie to the police. When he returns do not let him make this your problem (ie if you'd lied it would have been fine) make it very clear its his actions that have caused this.

I'm detoxed, sober, and now back behind the wheel, fully committed to sobriety.
It's not a first step, it's a marathon.
Op, if you decide it's worth it, please remember he's hurting. Try to treat him like he's sick. He is. Recriminations make it so much harder.
If you don't think you can do that, perhaps he's better off alone.

There will never be a happy ending until he chooses to change.

I, personally, could not stay with someone like this but this post isn't about me...he really needs to see the error of his ways, until then, nothing will change.

I feel for your daughter. And you.

Drink driving is a serious offence btw. Do you know how much over the limit he was? That will make a difference to the sentence. He will be looking at least at a suspended sentence, fine and possibly community penalty such as unpaid work or a drink drivers course. Or all of them. It isn't just a few points and a slap on the hand. The fact he ran away from the scene won't help either. He needs a solicitor.

Hi OP, I attend lots of magisttrates' court hearing for drink driving. He will get a driving ban, definitely for a a year as that's mandatory, and given the aggravating features, probably more like two years. I doubt he'll go to prison but he should plead guilty, be very frank with the magistrates about his alcoholism, and they may be lenient in terms of he punishment. He's likely to get some kind of community penalty on top of the ban because he crashed and left the scene.

He will also qualify for a third off the length of his driving ban if he takes a course aimed at drink drivers (if it's offered in you part of the country. If you're in England, then it will be).

As for your relationship, you have every right to leave. You also have every right to give him a chance to sort himself out. I guess it depends on how many chances you've already given him. Good luck.

Hi op sorry you're having such a shit time. I hope somehow you can do something to take your mind off things today?

I couldn't read and run as my dad is/was an alcoholic and something similar happened. He always used to drink and drive, I was so angry with him for doing it. Then one day a friend saw his name in the paper and he had a court judgement against him and a fine for leaving the scene of an accident and causing damage to a parked vehicle. He hadn't told us about it so we had to find out from the bastard paper! Sadly, this was not quite rock bottom for him as he got away without a driving ban (I know he left the accident because he was over the limit because had he not been there is no way he wouldn't have left details!). 6 weeks later he had an alcohol induced seizure and that was the wake up call he needed. That stopped him driving which was a relief all round.
It was very hard for all involved, but he now doesn't drink and has got his license back (2 years on). It's a long road but it can get better if he takes responsibility.

Is there anyone you can call?

Thank you so much for all the support everyone. I didn't get much sleep and feeling pretty numb this morning. DD has rash a low fever this morning so that's distracting at least! I've no idea when he'll be back today so might just go out on our own. Fuck him.

Spoke to a friend in my nct group this morning who's husband is now sober. That helped.

for you

Horrible situation, but all of his own making. Fancy trying to get you to lie for him - just awful

He was only thinking of his own self.

Alcoholism is truly a family disease that does not just affect the alcoholic.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

He was only thinking of his own self when he chose to drive; no-one made him get behind the wheel. He thought he could drive.

His primary relationship is with drink and his main thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. You and your DD are a long way down on his priority list even if you were on it frankly. He is also now dragging you and your child down with him.

But I have to look at you and your parts in all this because you are playing out all the usual roles here associated with the wife of an alcoholic. Why are you and he still together?. What do you get out of this relationship now?. You and he basically lurch from one crisis to yet another; there is no real stability here. You have a choice re this man Redstorm; your child does not. Is this really the life you want for her; did you yourself grow up with similar?. She deserves better.

He has refused to seek help before now and nothing has really changed in that respect. He asked you to commit perjury, thankfully you did not cover for him. He could well go onto lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards. He is still only thinking of his own self here.

I feel your own recovery in his alcoholism will only properly start when you a) address your own co-dependency and enabling issues properly (you were thinking about the consequences of his actions) and b) when you are completely apart from each other.

Your local drug and alcohol service may be able to provide some support to you if you feel you would like some, the service I work for has a charity for loved ones of people with a substance abuse problem attached to our building for the families/friends of people who aren't in treatment with us, and we also have family workers who those whose loved ones are accessing treatment.

If your DH accesses treatment as soon as possible then that may look better for him in court, providing he actually works at it and fully engages with the service

Good luck OP and take care of yourself, it must be a huge shock

"I've no idea when he'll be back today so might just go out on our own".

Not might go out, you need to go out. Let him return to an empty house. You need to detach.

Also talking to Al-anon would be a good idea as would reading their literature if you were not able to attend their meeting. 020 7403 0888 is the number for them. They are very good at helping family members of problem drinkers.

Nobodyspecialanymore Sun 06-Mar-16 07:40:14
"Hugs, Deo. Negative attitudes like that stop people from getting the help they need. What's the point stopping if no one stands by and loves them. Op, if he's otherwise a good man,with a bad problem, please consider loving him and helping him get well, so he can be a better husband, father, and not tortured by booze."

This is rubbish. You cannot help him.
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this.

Standing by him will achieve nothing because he will just carry on. Loving him could destroy you. It could destroy your children.
It is entirely up to you whether you decide to go now or not; but believing that "if only I'd loved him more, supported him more, he'd be better" is such self-destructive shit that it scares me that anyone even suggests it. :(

If you want to see a likely sentence you can view the Magistrates Court Sentencing Guidelines online. They can give you a rough idea of what he would be looking at once you know the charges.

I would try and go out today OP. Try to keep yourself distracted. Really hope this is the wake up call he needs.

Look the AA model is only ONE way to view/treat alcoholism. There are other approaches.

I think it is really unhelpful that this AA dogma is rolled out on any thread about problem drinking. It works for some people, not for all and there are other options.

Special I don't think this is the thread for you at the moment, lovely. Like you said, you're facing up to your problem and you haven't driven in years. You're detoxed. The same can't be said for OPs husband, who has put everyone at risk driving, and it sounds like this isn't the first time. Don't take the criticism of him as judgement of you. You're doing great.

OP go out today. Enjoy the day with your DD. Let your mind settle and deal with him at some other point. I hope her rash goes soon!

Thank goodness it was a wall he crashed into and not a human this time.

for you Op

Catch up on some sleep if you can

What a horrible situation to be caught in OP.

Can I just say ThankYou for not agreeing to cover for him.I was knocked over by a Drink Driver when I was 9 years old.He never stopped even though I was attached to the car and I've been left with a serious life altering injury from that accident and they never caught him.

I didn't ever want him punished for what happened to me(even at the age of 9)I was just worried that if he did it again the next child/adult might not survive.I've always felt really sorry for him as well,I know I wouldn't want to live with that on my mind for the rest of my life.

I hope your DH gets the help he needs for your familys sake as well as his own and I hope your poorly LO feels much better soon.