Mumsnet jury needed - best friend and DH have upset me

[Pages]

Have been fed up of late as despite a really nice Xmas break I have been up with the kids every morning and DH stays up late and sleeps in. Have raised the issue several times and he makes promises that I will get a lie in next time that never materialise.

Last night best friend stayed. Every time she stays I go to bed att 11 and she stays up with DH talking and drinking till early hours, I get woken up and am fed up and feel unsupported because they both lie in while I am up early with kids. Just raised it with both. DH is angry with me that I have made a scene in front of her. Best friend feels it is my issue with him and she is on holiday and shouldn't be told when to go to bed. I feel like I have two litte ones and two teenagers in the house with me. Am realy uspet that noone cares how I feel.

I'd be mega pissed off. They're being very selfish.

Tell friend to leave and tell DH to grow up. Tomorrow refuse to get out of bed.

Hi Pages, not surprised you're fed up - it does sound as though DH is taking you for granted a bit. I understand your friend doesn't want to be told when to go to bed, but if she's at your house she should take your feelings into consideration - its a bit cheeky to stay up late and keep you awake too! Is she your best friend or your husband's? My best friends would probably get up when I did and offer to help out a bit.

I think you need to have a proper talk to your DH once your friend has gone and try to come to some arrangement where you get to sleep in every so often while he gets up early with the kids.

Hope you manage to sort something out - you are right to be upset.

next time rip duvet off DH and stay in your side of the bed. Also your BF doesn't sound understanding of you ...

crumbs. well...I wouldnt have a friend in the house who stayed up talking and drinking with my dh until the early hours and then has a long lie in. Bad manners, imo.

As for your dh's late getting up - my ex always used to do this, but I felt more relaxed when he was not around, so that was ok (our marriage was doomed). It is extremely annoying behaviour though. He would roll in around 11, cook a fried breakfast, sharing it with the children, who then wouldnt want any lunch...the whole day would be messed up, we would end up cooking lunch around 4 pm - it was just really annoying and selfish.

Why does he want so much sleep, is he staying up really late every night?
Can you take the children out, while your dh is still asleep, so that at least you arent waiting around in the house for him to wake up?
Or, instead of getting up yourself, invite the children to get into bed next to you one day when they wake up. That should put paid to his lie in [evil emoticon]

Pages- btw I used to have amazing sleeping people who came to my house. (They would trot off to bed in the middle of the day because they were on "holiday" and sleep for a few hours). I or dh on my behalf (depending on who it is) now explain to people that we don't allow that (we might do if there were 2 of us mucking in but not when I'm alone)! Seriously. A child with SN plus 2 others is enough- I don't need people here having rests- they can bugger off to a hotel if they want to do that.

As for the morning- luckily ds1 likes to climb in with visitors, a 7 year old with no sense of social boundaries is a good alarm clock.

I agree that you shouldn't expect your friend to get up early (although, if she is your friend as opposed to dh's, why is she spending so much time with him and then not getting up to spend time with you?), although good manners should dictate that she doesn't treat you like a hotel.

The issue seems to be more with dh. I have to say that mine rarely gets up before me, but then I'm more of a morning person than he is. When the children were younger and less able to amuse themselves first thing, he would get up and deal with them (although not on a regular or consistent basis), but now it's normally me hissing at them to be quiet because dad's asleep. To be fair, he works very hard and long hours, and he's much nicer to be around when he's had his quota of sleep. My revenge is that, if I haven't had sufficient sleep, they all have to put up with my bad mood .

floating, it is a balance between being nice to your guests, and the guest's duty to fit in with the household (part of being a nice guest).
Nobody would refuse a lie in to a guest who was tired after a journey, or something like that. But a guest who arrives and sets a routine of very late nights and long lie ins, is being a bit inconsiderate of her hostess. As jimjams said, go to a hotel if you dont want to have to consider other people's feelings.

your friend can go to bed when she likes..........

however, DH should have assured you he would have got up with the kids, so you could also have stayed up late chatting with your friend

In my case I have a harder time (in terms of being on duty, of dealing with crap, of lack of sleep, of lack of times off, in ability to take any sort of break) than anyone who ever visits us. I am a carer for a severely autsitic child so I don't have people to stay who need some form of looking after. I'm more than happy to make meals, wave them off on a lovely day out, whatver, but I just do not allow people to have afternoon naps whilst I run around like a loon. Pages has a child with SN as well so I doubt she needs people haviing a holiday ion her house.

I must point out that the only real offenders have been family, friends have all been very good (only very good friends visit so they know the score). I don't tell people tyehave to get up but ds1 joining them in bed is usally enough. 2 weeks after I had had ds3 by c -secrtion- when ds1 was in some autism reaction and was refusing to go to bed until gone 11 and was then waking frequently (along with the baby) at night, we had family to stay who took naps in the afternoon and then expcted us to cook for them after we'd finally got ds1 to bed. At that time I snapped and said no more and instigated the no sleep during the day in our house rule.

I agree your friend should be left out of it. You had this issue with your DH before she turned up so to make her shoulder the blame with him is unfair.
I am angry that your DH is taking you for granted like this and that you are letting him.
If you've agreed the night before that he will get up in the morning then make him. He will be in a foul mood when you've whipped the duvet off, but he'll get over it .

But Pageshas a child with SN. Please if you visit a friend with a child with SN do not go expecting a holiday. It's not fair.

well yes, but then I think the friend should notice what is going on around her as well- and not add to he problems!

I think if you're staying with someone who has small children you can't expect lie in's. It may be a holiday but I'd tell her to see it more as an activity holiday I'd encourage lots of noise in the mornings I think.

I'll also point out, if it's not stating the obvious, that he's only doing it because he knows he can get away with it...

He is choosing to stay up late knowing he'll get a lie in because you've gone to bed early.
A few early mornings with the kids might make him go to bed a bit earlier at night.

Thanks for replies. She is my friend first, now both of ours and I like that they have their own relationship but not at 2 a.m.

I don't have an issue with her having a lie in but I think her keeping him up so there is no chance of him getting up in the morning is not a very supportive thing to do with a friend. And yes, my oldest does have SN, there is no chance of kids getting into bed and staying there.

Hi Pages, it sounds like you are letting your DH off very lightly.
Your friend is not 'keeping him up'. He has the option of going to bed early, as you do.
From your OP it sounds like he stays up late whether she is there or not.

Tomorrow get up early as usual and go for a long walk, or a long drive, be gone for at least an hour. Your dh will have to get up with the lo's then.

He's taking the piss. But it's pretty much impossible to force him to get up early as you'd have to be awake to do so.

Maybe you could calmly suggest that as you always get up early, you will be spending two or three afternoons doing something just for you, so you do not turn into a tired, grumpy old nag. Then you can swan off to go for a walk, go to a cafe, a bookshop, the cinema (and sleep!)

She is his friend too, so not so outrageous that they'd want to sit and chat. Totally out of order to do it till 2am lumbering you with all the childcare.

I take it she doesn't have kids? If I were her, I'd be there helping you and sharing in your life.

Can you and just her go out till 2am next time she's there, with the morning childcare done by your dh?

She is on holiday, but I think expecting you to cater for her lie-in isn't the behaviour of a best friend, more an elderly aunt.

I'd be upset.