Mumsnet jury needed - best friend and DH have upset me

[Pages]

Have been fed up of late as despite a really nice Xmas break I have been up with the kids every morning and DH stays up late and sleeps in. Have raised the issue several times and he makes promises that I will get a lie in next time that never materialise.

Last night best friend stayed. Every time she stays I go to bed att 11 and she stays up with DH talking and drinking till early hours, I get woken up and am fed up and feel unsupported because they both lie in while I am up early with kids. Just raised it with both. DH is angry with me that I have made a scene in front of her. Best friend feels it is my issue with him and she is on holiday and shouldn't be told when to go to bed. I feel like I have two litte ones and two teenagers in the house with me. Am realy uspet that noone cares how I feel.

[vitomum]

Hi Pages, very on your behalf that you have not had any lie ins over xmas. Personally i see it as DP's job to facilitate my lie ins. If the lie in has been agreed the night before then i get it regardless of what time him or me went to bed at. Sometimes i have an early night AND a lie in! if DP wants to stay up drinking and chatting till all hours he can - but he will have to still get up the following morning as agreed. I woulnd't see any of this as a friend's responsibility TBH and would be happy for them to lie in till all hours at my house as it doesn't really affect me.

[LittleSarah]

Her keeping him up??? I am sorry but I think your dh husband is in the wrong here. He should have gone to bed (he is an adult after all and can make his own decisions) and said to you that you should stay up with your friend and that you could both sleep in tomorrow.

Or you should have asked your friend to go to bed early as you would all have to be up early.

[DoesntChristmasDragOn]

Briefly...
Your friend is right - you can't tell her when to go to bed
Your DH is right - you shouldn't have made a scene in front of your friend
You are right - your DH should be sharing the Getting Up With The Children letting you lie in as many times as he does and your friend should have a little more consideration.

So, you're all right and you're all wrong too

[WideWebWitch]

In our house I take the view that guests can mostly do what they like about getting up, unless they expect me to get up with their children, in which case I think I'm entitled to a say in it. But if dh was to stay up talking and then expect ME to get up because he was too tired when I'd been the one who was sensible enough NOT to be too tired then I'd be bloody cross. Your dh is totally out of order imo.

We take it in turns to have lie ins so in our case it had been his turn for a lie in I wouldn't have minded. If not I would. Mind you, I do thnik you friend is pretty rude too, you aren't a hotel. But hey, childless people often don't get this imo, I remember one year when I had a family party for 20 people in our house, stayed up til 3am, and then was GREEN with envy when my childless sisters went back to their hotels for an afternoon nap while dh and I went and played stomp rocket in the park on a very cold, grey drizzly December day. I was pretty pissed off but hey, they didn't have children, it didn't cross their minds that I couldn't go back to bed.

[ballbaby]

Now they know you're unhappy.... next time could you ask dh to do the morning shift and stay up drinking with them - enjoy yourself. If he agrees but fails to follow through, get up with the kids then when they finally emerge go back to bed for the rest of the day! I often end up doing this with my dh who likes his lie ins and doesn't seem to feel any guilt that I don't get one.

[HazelnutsDoesNotDrink]

TBH I can see why you would want to say what you did in front of your BF. Your not having a go at your BF so to speak but your DH. Letting him know that it is not fair that you have to get up every morning with your DC

Why should you keep quite just b/c your BF is there with you both. You should be able to stop up with her and DH goes to bed and then get up with the DC in the morning.
OR
She could go to bed the same time as you and get up with you in the morning.
OR
If things were different and you and DH were both getting up every day with the DC, she could get up with the DC and let you both have a lie in.

My XP2 would get up early most week day to go to work early. I let him stay in bed at weekends. Some weekends though he would get up and let me stay in bed. We always went to bed together though. He would not stay up just to get a lie in. The only times I would be in bed before him was when he would still be at work late at night. I would stay up until about 11pm and then go to bed if he was not home. That did not happen very often though.

I think you should wake DH up for the next few mornings keep kicking him to get up, and then you could stay in bed, or make out you are very ill and make him do all the work, maybe then he will go to bed earlier

I have to do it all myself now as I`m a single mum of 3 DC. I don't mind getting up with them. Its just nice to stay up later sometimes and then to have a lie in, but I just don't get the lie in anymore.

You have someone with you and they should be helping with the looking after of your DC and not having you look after them as well. @ your DH. He like my XP1 who now get his mum to do all his looking after.

I hope you get to stay in bed soon or you get stay up late with your BF and DH gets up with the DC.

[Pages]

Best friend left after saying that next time she would go to bed when I do and that things were okay between us although she still thinks it is mine and DH's issue.

I have just been back to bed for two hours while DH looked after DC which, to be fair, he always does if I ask and this happens a lot but it is not the same as having a lie in.

I think that you are right, DH is doing it because he can get away with it but I still think it is not very "sisterly" of my bf. Sure, she isn't "keeping him up" but he would have been in bed if she hadn't been there. He is up later then me every night but not that late. I wouldn't even have minded if they were up till say 12 or so but 2 a.m is IMO what you do when you are childless. And I had to ask them to shut up and go to bed because they were keeping me awake - they weren't that loud but I sleep lightly after years of being on red alert listening out for children.

DH is only embarrassed because I had a go at him in front of her and showed up his behaviour. I have known her for donkeys years and if I can't say how I really feel to her then I dont think it would be much of a friendship.

She is aware now, so hopefully will be more supportive of me next time. But I agree with you all that he needs kicking up the backside.

PS He is a loving and sweet dad in many other ways, so I guess it is something I have let slide. But it isn't fair on me.

[Pages]

I suppose the upshot of it is I spent years with flat mates and boyfriends past who were late night drinkers etc and I have always liked to be in a house that goes quiet after 11. I guess more so now we have dc. I just wanted them to be in my adult world not me feeling like "mum" to teenagers.

[HazelnutsDoesNotDrink]

Thats the sort of life I like as well Pages

I dont mine staying up sometimes but like to have a nice quite house. We all need our sleep, if I cant sleep at night I still go to bed as Im resting. <br /> <br /> I think sometime people do push things by not sleeping enough. Everything seems ok but it is not. <br /> Maybe if your DH would go to bed earlier, he to would see what you are saying and do more to help in the morning. <br /> <br /> You cant blame yourself for how he is now. He needs to be thinking more as well. He seems very one sided atm. He needs to change and you need to tell him that you need the help. You are getting older and most likely feeling more tired than you used too! I know I cant do the things I used to do and Im only coming up to 25 years old.

I still say "good for you" for standing up for yourself!

[Pages]

That makes me sound like a boring old fart! Of course I would love to sit up chatting with them both till late instead of being sensible - but it would not be fair on my dc as I wouldn't cope the next day. My Dh was the one I had a go at not her but I did speak to her this a.m about it as I just feel that even though she doesn't have kids, as my friend she could be more supportive. If it was me and I had lie ins every weekend and all over Xmas I am certain I would be the one offering to get up and give her a break. Also, I think I was particularly upset as I told her yesterday that it was an issue and I would have thought she would have been sensitive to that. I know I would have been if the situation were reversed.

[Pages]

Thanks Hazelnuts and I am older than you! We both get up for work so it is only weekends and over Xmas that this is an issue

[Jimjams2]

I understand what you mean Pages. When people come to our house and try to have sleeps in the afternoon or some long lie in I think it just shows they haven't even considered what we're living with and they can sod off! I feel like we're living close to breaking point most of the time so I just don't do hotel service and I tend to explain that to people (politely!) before they come.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Pages

Your DH has acted well out of order. Would he not consider getting up every other weekend to give you a lie in. It wouldn't kill him to do this.

And no luv, you are not a boring old fart. Far from it!.

Attila

[Pages]

He always says "you can have a lie in tomorrow" on Saturday and then on Sunday when I nidge him he says, "Oh you just get up and do the drinks/nappies/put the tv on for them and I'll be there in 10 mins" and by the time we've argued about it or I've done that I am awake anyway.

I suspect though that showing him up in front of my bf may make him mend his ways. He did agree in priniciple a couple of days ago that it was fair t take it in turns at the weekend.

Still feel bf not very supportive though...

[Pages]

Sorry, that should be "nudge" not "nidge"

Btw, if you all agree that I am right to be upset (to varying degrees!)and to have stuck up for myself, why is it that he is still barely speaking to me? Why does sticking up for yourself always seem to entail other people making you suffer even more than you were before (those of you who know my family history will know I'm not just talking about DH)

[LucyJones]

i think you are right to be upset with your dh but not your best friend. I think it's awful that's he's being off wih you.
I would suggest not having your best friend to stay if you feel she isn't supportive of your routine with the kids tbh, or suggest she stay in a hotel

[LucyJones]

as an aside Jimjams - why do you invite people to your house? I can fully appreciate that they are more oftn a hindrance than a help so why invite?!! (i would love MIL to disappear for an afternoon nap though, keep her from getting under my feet!)

[Jimjams2]

There are so many things we cannot do, and it wouldn;t be fair on the other children (or ds1- who loves having people to stay) if we never had anyone visit! DS2 and ds3 miss out of loads of normal stuff anyway. Most friends stay one night, 2 max, which is fine. Family stay longer, but they live far away and the children (and us!) need to see them.

[Pages]

I do think Jimjams situation is exceptional and it is lovely that family and friends are understanding. I don't think anyone I know really gets what life is like for me and DH with DS1 though. They are always saying how well I cope but no-one ever offers to help out.

I think my friend did understand and I understood her position. That is why she is my best friend. I am able to talk to her without her acting like a spoilt child. I definitely am more upset with DH than her. But I suppose I saw it as her colluding with his unsupportiveness of me. Maybe I expect more from women than I do from men. I love DH but he is far more "bloke" than "new man"!!! Although just when i get peed off with the blokeishness he will turn round and amaze me with some great insight into us and he is extremely loyal to me.

I just asked him if he is still upset about last night and he said he is feeling unwell, so maybe he isn't ignoring me. He does look rough. But I find it hard to sympathhise - he was well enough at 2 a.m....hmmm

Happy New Year all of you and thanks for the support as always.

[Jimjams2]

It's the problem with being a coper Pages- we had the same. In the end dh sat people down and explained it to them (and also I went away for a number of days and left others to it- doing it themselves they found out )

[Pages]

I agree, people see that I have loads of energy and enthusiasm to keep going with DS1 and say "I don't know how you do it" admiringly, but sometimes it catches up with me and when it does it always seems to be just me and DH arguing about who is the most tired.

Well, believe it or not DH said he would get up this morning but I had woken up anyway so said I would get up for a couple of hours and then we would swap and I'd go back to bed. He agreed. And from next weekend he accepts we will take turns. He says it is only because he has been ill over Xmas that this has happened. Yeah, right. I have had a cold all over Xmas too - but of course, his isn't a cold, it's the flu.

Feel a lot happier anyway for having go it all off my chest yesterday and I think you are right Jimjams, it is up to me to say in my own home how things are going to be. I DO still think bf should have been more supportive of me as a friend but she didn't know how I felt - now she does.

[tigermoth]

Just read this thread so I am glad to see your outburst has had a positive impact, pages.

I think it's horrible to be seen by all the other adults in your home as the one on call with your children. This has happened to me from time to time. When my sons were younger and early wakers, it used to drive me wild to witness my inlaws and dh taking naps and lie ins ad hoc, when I had to wait till my sons were in bed before I could grab sleep. It felt like there was one rule for them and one rule for me and I had to get everyone's permission before I was allowed to go off duty!

Jimjams, I am shocked to think you had family who expected you to cook for them at 11.0 pm, having had a new baby and recovering from a caesarian.

[Jimjams2]

I suppose they thought it was dh doing it Tigermoth but he was completely tied up with ds1 as well. Just a case of people not being able to see what's going on in front of them. The biggest change of attitude from family came when I went away for a few days and left them to get on with it. It improved our relationship enormously as they suddenly understood what we've been dealing with, and started to help out (a lot). I intend to go away regularly

Glad something positive came of it Pages.

[lazyemma]

I think your best friend is right - it is your and your husband's issue, not hers. If he hasn't been up with the kids in days, and owes you a lie in, then it is HIS responsibility to watch the clock and go to bed at a decent hour, not hers, if he can't get up after a late night. I don't think it's "unsisterly" of her not to have gone to bed when you did.

I do think your reaction speaks more about your insecurities about their friendship, than it does about her "sisterly" attitude or lack thereof. It's not her fault you're a light sleeper - how could she have known you weren't sleeping until you told them both to shut up and go to bed? I reckon you wouldn't have been still awake if you hadn't have been wound up about them staying up chatting whilst you weren't there. It's impossible to get to sleep when you're annoyed.