Mumsnet jury needed - best friend and DH have upset me

[Pages]

Have been fed up of late as despite a really nice Xmas break I have been up with the kids every morning and DH stays up late and sleeps in. Have raised the issue several times and he makes promises that I will get a lie in next time that never materialise.

Last night best friend stayed. Every time she stays I go to bed att 11 and she stays up with DH talking and drinking till early hours, I get woken up and am fed up and feel unsupported because they both lie in while I am up early with kids. Just raised it with both. DH is angry with me that I have made a scene in front of her. Best friend feels it is my issue with him and she is on holiday and shouldn't be told when to go to bed. I feel like I have two litte ones and two teenagers in the house with me. Am realy uspet that noone cares how I feel.

Sorry if I offended you, Pages. It obviously wasn't clear in my posts that I absolutely think you were right to be upset with your husband about this, and were right to pull him up about it, even in front of your friend. The getting up after 2am bedtime remark was aimed at him, not you. I didn't at first think you were being fair on your friend but now you've gone into more detail (and now that I've actually read your earlier posts properly) I do see your point.

when i have guests and i want them up i quietly open their door slightly, knowing the dog will get in and jump all over them, it always works!

LOL Jimjams at DS1 and Stumpydog at your dog method of rousing! Jimjams, you have summed it up entirely. It IS relentless. She has no idea what a luxury a lie-in would be for me, I have been sleep deprived for 4 years and whatever his faults life is not a picnic for DH either. My bf gets up whenever she wants whenever she isn't working and goes to bed at night knowing that no-one will disturb her till the morning. That is something that neither me nor DH have or will ever be guaranteed again.

It is a shame my bf doesn't really get it - she did say she would not do the same next time which is nice, because at least she cares, but she is treating it as if it is because of some sort of neurosis of mine that she will be understadning about it for my sake. She told me that she has numerous nieces and nephews and that it has never been an issue when staying in her siblings houses, the kids go to bed late as does everyone. My kids have a fairly strict bedtime regime, partly because DS1 needs that routine and partly because I also need those 2 to 3 child free hours in the evening to have some time for myself and she doesn't get it that my kids need attention all the time and DS1 will always do, as Jimjams says, they don't just play quietly or engage in adult chit chat while you watch a movie. But I also suspect that there are times when the mother of her nieces and nephews feels a bit silently aggrieved. She may just not know about it.

But I also think you are right Blu otherwise why not just agree to disagree. It wasn't anything fundamental after all, I just said I felt a bit unsupported. It wasn't a character assassination or anything.

PS Thanks Lazyemma, not offended.

I really feel for any parent of a SN child who knows that the hands-on stuff will not stop as they grow older. Being constantly on call and on the look out is, for me, one of the hardest things about being a parent.

Pages, I think you do well to have so many house guests. Can you rethink how much you ask them to do when they visit you? What postive things can they do to make life easier? They may not realise how to help you. IME guests (if they are nice and want to come again!) will do things if asked specifically and/or pre warned beforehand. Can you and your dh talk through this together? Would it help, for instance, if your next guests come prepared to help cook a supper for you all while you concentrate on the bedtime routine?

Actually Tigermoth, my bf is very sweet in other respects, I don't cook for her - or if I do it is something simple. We usually get a takeaway and she makes herself at home in the kitchen making tea and plays with the kids, etc. I don't feel stressed by the visits, in fact I was really looking forward to her coming.

The issue really is a very narrow one - she is someone who evidently likes to stay up late and lie in late, and I am just useless the next day if I don't go to bed at a reasonable hour. She probably misses our youthful days when we sat up nattering and getting drunk till 3 a.m but I just can't do that any more. And tbh don't want to as my life is about my kids now, I wanted us to get up and go out for a nice long walk with the kids in the buggies and let them get out and splash in puddles. I didn't actually want to sit up drinking till 2 or 3 a.m and let my kids watch tv with DH while I slept. I just wanted a decent nights sleep and another adult up with me in the morning.

Btw I am not criticising anyone else who might want to do this but I am a working mum and so my weekend time off with the kids is precious. Also DS1 needs the stimulation of being out and doing stuff and I can't do it on my own.

I do think you are right however about spelling out what I need from people before it gets to a point when I am wound up and upset about it and I think that is where I am at fault here (as have admitted to bf), I may have expected her to mind read how I felt(although I don't think anyone would have had to spell it out for me after the first time it happened)