DH and DSis hate each other

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Will try and keep this short. I have a close family and my sister and I live around the corner from each other. We support each other a lot with school drop offs childcare and stuff like that. I couldn't survive without her really.

My DH doesn't have much to do with her but does not like her. She is passive aggressive, more to me than him. Anyway, tonight her toddler was playing with DH phone as we were leaving family get together (rare) and DH said "can I have my phone back?" And DSis said "can it wait 5 mins"? Obviously that is ridiculous but then my DH made some angry comment at her. She and her DH exchanged smug glances along the lines of "what an arsehole".

I hate them all to be honest. But I feel so upset. Where to from here? I don't know how to approach it with sister. I told DH I hate him. It's all a mess.

I'm not sure why you did that. I'd be furious if my own child wouldn't give me my phone back when asked. But if another adult stopped their child giving me MY phone? Well, I'd be giving s lot more than a dirty look.

I think you owe your H an apology.

Why did the child have the phone?

You admit your dsis isn't very nice to either of you but you rely on her for help so you put up with her shitty behaviour.

Unless some much larger backstory unravels through the thread I feel sorry for your DH.

If a toddler's mid-game I would encourage them onto something else first rather than suddenly taking the phone away, just as basic tantrum avoidance more than anything! I suppose it depends how it was said though and whether the toddler's old enough to understand.
This particular incident isn't the problem though, it's clearly bigger than that. If you want to continue a relationship with DSis you might need to do it without DH around, if you don't really like her just stick to basic contact and try to let any unpleasantness wash over you.

There's no way a toddler would be having my phone to play with.

I think your dh was very tolerant indeed.

I'm with peeved Unless there's something major you're not telling us about your DH it sounds like you've been massively unkind to him.

Who would want to spend time around a passive aggressive SIL? Then when he makes a perfectly reasonable request for his personal property back (which I'm assuming he gave willingly to his nephew, so very kind) he gets told he needs to wait 5 minutes?!?! Seriously? Plus his wife doesn't say a word to her sister and instead says she hates him??? Doesn't make sense OP

I don't know. DSis is not generally awful. Just sister stuff. DH can be short tempered. It is the support I get from her that means I do let stuff go (she probably does too) and now I feel like that look she gave her husband means I can't be friends with her anymore. And my DH knows how much it means to me that we all get along. I can't believe he would confront my sister in public. I just feel awful about it.

Oh God...why does her toddler have your h's phone?
That's annoying in the first place, while your sister's response is so bloody cheeky I just can't even...

Yeah I don't know. I have no idea what either of them are like but going on that exchange there is a lack of boundaries if not on both parts, certainly on your sister's.

What 'angry' comment did he make to her? He asked for the phone back, which is acceptable, she responded inappropriately, then he said...what?
You say he confronted her. How?

DSis and dbil are bad with boundaries with their kids. I can't stand it. But they are very loving generous people (DSis a bit passive aggressive with me) and I love them. I don't want rifts and now there is one

Could he have opted out of the family gathering. Did he have to attend. Does he like them

He said "just say "that's uncles phone! Give it to uncle! He is only a baby for Christs sake!" Or something like that.

He could have opted out. He hates them. i don't care if he attends, except for Christmas and that is for the kids. He is anti social generally.

I really don't see what he said that was so bad?

Oh now, come on. Your Dsis is clearly in the wrong on this occasion. Although it seems there is a lot of backstory which would explain your reaction more.

No. It was tone maybe. And then the look they gave each other. I feel like a chump.

No backstory except DH does not like getting involved with my close family which is a source of tension. My family are all very nice to each other and all my sisters and brother married similar types. DH more brusque. I feel like a leper. That is the back story.

You are holding your DH to a higher standard than your DSis. So Dh has to hold his tongue and be nice but your Dsis doesn't? Are you going to call her out on her rudeness or just your perceived DH's? You can't expect your DH to make all the effort and your Dsis to just do as she likes because it benefits you. That's massively unfair to your DH.

What is your relationship like with your DH when DS isn't around, is he a decent bloke?

She wasn't rude she just didn't want her toddler to hand back the phone before we were definately leaving. Obviously that is crazy bananas parenting but it was not aggressive toward DH iyswim.

I'm sorry OP that's insane. It was DH's phone. Let her give her son her phone then. He asked for it back, she then dictates when he can have it back? I'd be ruffled too! Baby/toddler or not it's the polite thing to return something that's not yours when the owner asks for it. Your DSis was being cheeky at the least- rude and assuming at worst. Your DH's reaction does not seem over the top to me.

Sounds like you don't like your DH to me. He didn't do anything wrong. You talk about him quite nastily. And if my DH told me he hated me, I'd leave him. No going back from that in my opnion.

I think you owe your husband an apology. He wasn't in the wrong here and you massively over reacted to him.
If l was him l would steer well away from your family

It's not up to her to let her toddler keep the phone until she's ready, it's not her phone. I think you were unfair on your husband. In my opinion immediate family comes first so unless there's a huge back story about your husband I'd take a step back from your sister.