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Original poster

DH and DSis hate each other

105 replies

germinal · 17/01/2016 10:59

Will try and keep this short. I have a close family and my sister and I live around the corner from each other. We support each other a lot with school drop offs childcare and stuff like that. I couldn't survive without her really.

My DH doesn't have much to do with her but does not like her. She is passive aggressive, more to me than him. Anyway, tonight her toddler was playing with DH phone as we were leaving family get together (rare) and DH said "can I have my phone back?" And DSis said "can it wait 5 mins"? Obviously that is ridiculous but then my DH made some angry comment at her. She and her DH exchanged smug glances along the lines of "what an arsehole".

I hate them all to be honest. But I feel so upset. Where to from here? I don't know how to approach it with sister. I told DH I hate him. It's all a mess.

OP posts:
JohnLuther · 17/01/2016 12:05

How was it rude? It's his phone so if he asks for it back he should damn well get it back.

pictish · 17/01/2016 12:06

And I've already said that I would have calmly taken the phone back from the toddler myself, so I'm not supporting the dsis's request for five minutes at all.
He was rude about it. He was.

GruntledOne · 17/01/2016 12:09

No, pictish, OP's DH's response wasn't overly rude and confrontational. Overly rude and confrontational would have been something like "give it back to me now you bitch", not a slightly impatient expression of the fact that she ought to be capable of getting her child to give up the phone. Look at this exchange in the context of a course of conduct from the sister involving regular passive aggression and a stupid refusal of a totally reasonable request: in many ways the husband's response was pretty restrained.

diddl · 17/01/2016 12:09

When someone asks if they can have their own belonging back, the only response is "yes of course" and hand it over!

JohnLuther · 17/01/2016 12:09

Yeah, he wasn't rude.

pictish · 17/01/2016 12:10

"can I have my phone back?"

"can it wait 5 mins?"

"just say "that's uncles phone! Give it to uncle! He is only a baby for Christs sake!"

Rather abrasive don't you think?

diddl · 17/01/2016 12:10

Husband was no ruder than sister.

Maybe they are both rude people.

Maybe he's sick of her shit...

mrsfuzzy · 17/01/2016 12:11

not surprised your dh is moody, you do not sound a loving oh to him and sticking up for you two faced ds and the weird family set up against him, i would not want to be around your family if i was him either.

mrsfuzzy · 17/01/2016 12:11

two faced dsis.

pictish · 17/01/2016 12:13

Diddl...I said the same myself down there. I agree. If that were my phone the toddler would not be keeping it for another five seconds. Would I have said what the dh did? No.

I don't think it's the end of the world, but both behaved inappropriately in this instance and in very different ways.

diddl · 17/01/2016 12:14

Op, can you see this from your husband's POV at all?

And what is "just sister stuff?"

She can treat you in a way that she doesn't others or that you wouldn't accept from others?

I think that my BIL treats my sister like shit sometimes & it does colour how I feel about him.

pictish · 17/01/2016 12:14

Overly rude and confrontational would have been something like "give it back to me now you bitch"

No...that would have been bizarre.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/01/2016 12:16

I cannot understand why you're blaming your DH for this and telling him you hate him. How old are you and your sister, you sound very young.

diddl · 17/01/2016 12:20

If how they are with each other upsets you OP, then you need to tell them both.

They can both as adults be civil!

NickiFury · 17/01/2016 12:25

I think they all sound rather obnoxious.

And reading between the lines I don't think the DH is blameless here. He's moody and his and OP's relationship isn't easy, he doesn't like being around her family. I would be interested to know if it's been like that from the outset? And if so it might not be any surprise that the dsis and her DH don't like him and jumped on him over the phone.

I don't think he sounds blameless at all.

lostinmiddlemarch · 17/01/2016 12:31

It's highly unreasonable of you to expect your DH to put up with behaviour like that in silence, just because he knows that you want everyone to get along. That would breed massive resentment and is very controlling.

You also sound immature, hating everyone. I don't know where to start, really.

GruntledOne · 17/01/2016 12:34

Pictish, you're quoting one exchange out of context. The context is someone who is always passive aggressive to her BiL and often the same to the sister who helps her out regularly; and who is so bad with boundaries for her children that her sister "can't stand it". I suspect this was just the culmination of what would have been a stressful visit. OP's DH's response sounds like a slightly impatient response to more passive aggression and a stupid reaction to a reasonable request, not overly rude and confrontational.

GruntledOne · 17/01/2016 12:35

Nicki, even OP accepts that her sister is passive aggressive to her husband. It's not too surprising that he doesn't like being around her, is it?

ohtheholidays · 17/01/2016 12:35

If your sister is passive aggresive towards you and your Husband doens't like her because of it that is because your husband loves you you Ninny.

I would think you'd have more to worry about if your sister was being like that towards you and your DH joined in.

And like everyone has else has said it's his phone and a 2 year old playing with a phone you don't want broken is never a good idea and your sister and BIL shouldn't have been dicks about it!

SmashleyHop · 17/01/2016 12:35

The only backstory OP will give us is that DH can be moody and doesn't really care for her family and Dsis is passive aggressive. There is no way to know what came first- if DH moody because he can't stand how Dsis behaves towards his wife and him? Is Dsis unkind to DH because he's moody and hard work? (most likely it's a bit of both)
Either way based on this one incident I side with the DH. However I still think it's a massive over reaction to tell DH she hates him. For that alone I'd suggest the OP apologizes. Unless she really does hate him and then she's got a lot more to deal with than this.

Viviennemary · 17/01/2016 12:38

Of course the child shouldn't have been playing with the phone in the first place. And your sister's response was beyond pathetic. She's your sister. Don't inflict her on him ever. Your DH wasn't in the wrong and I agree he deserves an apology. Your sister sounds like very hard work to say the least. Quite frankly I couldn't stand living in the pocket of an il I didn't like.

BolshierAryaStark · 17/01/2016 12:38

Your DH is moody so obviously not blameless but your sister is not at all nice, see her for what she is. Of course she should have takwn the phone from the toddler on the 1st request, why wouldn't you other than to be a twat? If she was so bothered about the toddler having a phone she should have handed her own over...
I do think you have over dramatised this incident though.

lostinmiddlemarch · 17/01/2016 12:40

It also sounds like your DH can't get it right. You seem to blame him for not fitting in - your sisters married 'similar types' who fit in with your family, leaving you feeling 'like a leper' and the implication is that it's his fault because he's 'brusque' and 'anti-social'. Yet you knew what type of person he was when you married him and presumably thought that his not being an ideal fit within your family was an acceptable price to pay. Hardly fair to blame him for being unable to fit in now, is it?

He sounds like he can't get it right unless he shuts up (no wonder he's brusque). He has to put up with toddlers playing with his phone (I wouldn't!) and can't even have it back when he chooses. He's not allowed to have a problem with it. He's not allowed to make a mistake, even though your sister often seems to shoot her mouth off with passive aggressive comments. So he has to be a door mat.

When the unfairness of this is pointed out to you, you respond that he doesn't have to come because you don't care if he does or not. Yet you proceed to slag him for being 'anti-social'. Presumably he was trying hard to please you by going along - no one would choose to be in company like that. But you don't even have the grace to be grateful.

If my family were rude to my DH I would be mortified and apologising to him. I appreciate the effort my DH makes with my family and we all make an effort to include him because he's the new-comer. This is probably why he makes an effort in return. I wouldn't dream of expecting him to take behaviour he wouldn't have to take anywhere else, or telling him I didn't care if he accompanied me or not, then slagging him off when he didn't go.

There is selfishness at the heart of this. You want your sister to help you out and you want your family to get along. In order for this to happen, your DH has to put up or shut up. If he steps out of line, you tell him you hate him - though it sounds like he's damned before he begins.

You sound like an absolute nightmare.

NickiFury · 17/01/2016 12:40

And OP also says that her husband is moody and difficult and always had an issue with family stuff. I agree with pictish. There's more going on here and I am not seeing a blameless hard done to husband.

MrsDeVere · 17/01/2016 12:42

This reply has been deleted

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