DH and DSis hate each other

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Will try and keep this short. I have a close family and my sister and I live around the corner from each other. We support each other a lot with school drop offs childcare and stuff like that. I couldn't survive without her really.

My DH doesn't have much to do with her but does not like her. She is passive aggressive, more to me than him. Anyway, tonight her toddler was playing with DH phone as we were leaving family get together (rare) and DH said "can I have my phone back?" And DSis said "can it wait 5 mins"? Obviously that is ridiculous but then my DH made some angry comment at her. She and her DH exchanged smug glances along the lines of "what an arsehole".

I hate them all to be honest. But I feel so upset. Where to from here? I don't know how to approach it with sister. I told DH I hate him. It's all a mess.

I can see how fraught you feel about this. Obviously there are a few issues stemming from this incident.
On the incident itself, I have to side with your h. Toddlers and phones...no no no. My phone and some else's toddler...ha ha ha. I would have just taken it back telling the child, "I need that now, thank you." and let them deal with that how they will.
Your h's response is more confrontational than I'd have been, but your sister violated boundaries by responding with anything other than, "Of course, there you are."
Your h is not an arsehole for wanting his phone back.

How does he treat you generally, family problems aside?

I feel sorry for your DH.

lumpyspacedprincess he is a decent person but our relationship can be strained. He can be moody.

Your sister certainly has poor boundaries and you've likely been on the receiving end of such passive aggressiveness from her for many years. This is not just a sister issue; this all started as well within your own family of origin.

Where are your own boundaries with regards to her; I ask as you seem to pretty much accept your subservient role here and your own boundaries as a result are pretty much shot.

Identify her behaviour for what it is - hostility.

The biggest mistake people make is to be lenient. Once you give in to passive-aggressive behaviour, you lose your options. It's critical to see it as a power struggle, and then use the typical tactics one might use in a power struggle.

If you're going to confront a passive-aggressive person, be clear about the issue at hand. A danger of confrontation is that statements turn too global phrases like "You're always this way!" won't get you anywhere so it's important to confront the person about a specific action. For instance, if the silent treatment is what gets on your nerves, explain that a specific incident where you were given the silent treatment was considered a hostile move.

Practice assertive communication. There's aggressive communication, there's passive communication, and there's passive-aggressive communication.

Stopping passive-aggressive behaviour comes down to figuring out what you want, and tuning out all the rest. Some people are so overly aware of what other people think and expect of them, so they just go along with it -- at their own expense. "They're not thinking of what they actually want; it's all about the other party's agenda ... they're not willing to say, 'But this is what I want.'

Sounds like you just need to see your dsis when your DH is not there. This particular incident is pretty much a storm in a teacup but the sound of it.

Poor bloke can't win unless he writes 'welcome' on his bonce and lies under your sister's feet, can he? Your reaction is really strange tbh. You should take a long hard look at your family dynamics.

Your sister and her husband are clearly not "loving and generous people", nor are they "very nice" as you claim if they are publicly shooting each other smug looks when they've managed to provoke your DH into what was, let's face it, a pretty mild response in the circumstances. You seem to be desperate that your sister must never be called on bad behaviour even when she fully merited it, and you are blaming your husband for not letting her get away with it. Did it not occur to you that when your sister behaved that way it was she was being the arsehole and the chump, not you or your husband?

I'm not surprised he's moody if that kind of behaviour from you, your sister and her DH is a regular occurrence.

So your sister is more important to you than your DH.

You need to seriously examine your priorities OP, sorry.

You told your H you hate him?

You feel like you "can't be friends" with your sister because she exchanged a certain look about you and your H with her H?

Unecessary drama from you.

Your H had every right to ask for his phone back and it's understandable that he got arsey when Dsis prevented this.

It does all seem a bit OTT to me. You feel like a leper cos your DH and DSis exchanged words?? I think you need to look at your family. It all seems a bit drama lama to me and everyone needs to chill out. I feel sorry for your DH.

And tbh I'm not surprised your relationship with your DH is strained given how you seem to treat him.

I think if you start with an apology today and see if you can try to understand his point of view.

You Dh did nothing wrong and your sister was rude. Who is she to decide that her child has priority over other peoples possessions, expensive ones at that? I'd have removed the phone from the child myself. Totally ridiculous and you owe your Oh an apology

Your DH sounds like the only one with appropriate boundaries and manners.

You say your family are all very nice to each other but also that your sister is passive aggressive towards you and your DH. That doesn't add up. Passive aggression is not being "very nice to each other"

In this instance, although it does depend on tone, I feel that your sister is in the wrong. She, or her DH, must have been aware that their toddler had someone's phone. They could have swapped it with one of their phones long before you would be leaving so that your DH didn't have to ask for his phone.

Your H was nice enough to allow a toddler to play with his phone.

You were leaving.

Your H asked for his phone back.

Your sis basically said no wait for your phone rather than can toddler just finish game to avoid tantrum.

He said something angrily probably not good.

Your sis and her H exchanged glances saying your H was an arsehole despite that he was good enough to allow their child to play with his phone.

It would be the last time I let a child play with my phone again. Child loses.

Your poor H.

Sounds like you are seriously underestimating the extent of your sister's poor behaviour, probably because you've been conditioned to accept it since your own childhood.

How on earth did her child come to have your DH's phone? Did she ask him if the toddler could play a game on it whilst you waited for everyone to be ready to leave? Assuming yes, it was still entirely his choice when he wanted it back. If she had started to remove it from the toddler gently, e.g. come on now, uncle wants his phone back, let's finish this bit of the game and then we're giving it back (so that DH knew the phone would shortly be back in his possession) - fine. But it sounds like she basically refused to give it back. It's his phone!

If she didn't ask to borrow it in the first place, even more unnecessary.

You think your DH should 'understand' that you want everyone to be friends - that doesn't mean he has just to roll over for all her bad behaviour. You should have intervened to say 'come on sis, let's be having that phone back' if you wanted to try and act as a buffer. You'll get very tired very quickly if you have to be the permanent peace keeping force here - but that doesn't make it your DH's fault.

Think carefully about what 'just sister stuff' actually means. She sounds like a gigantic pisstaker from what you've written here.

You owe your Dh an apology. The child should'nt have had the phone full stop. It's not a toy or even a shared one at that.

Id ask her what the 'look' was and if there is any issues she would like to discuss. Also do you talk to your Dh about your Dh 'moods' if you do if really start restricting what you tell her.

Why do you rely on her so much?

Your issue here is with your sister, not your husband. You say you're close, but it sounds like things get swept under the carpet in a bid to create that impression, rather than you all actually being supportive. You may just be used to that being the dynamic if that's what you've grown up with. However, your husband and DCs should be the priority in your life, not your sister. That doesn't mean you ignore her completely, but you may need to step back a bit and look at the relationship you have with her. Is it healthy? Is it supportive? Are there good, helpful boundaries? Your DH may have more insight than you think - he may not just be unsociable; he may simply find the dynamics unhelpful. Especially when you say you hate them all... That doesn't sound "close".

Of course, he could also just be unsociable! The point is, you may need some time away from your sister etc to see what healthy dynamics are. Can you see her a bit less, and spend more time with your DH and with friends? Instead of having family things that you know DH doesn't want to go to, why not skip the family things most of the time to spend time with him?

You'll end up being much happier and probably having a much stronger relationship with your sisters and brother.

Of course your sister was rude.

If she has always been like this in herattitude then it's quite easy to see why your husband doesn't like hertbh.

What support does she give you that's so great?

You support each other?

You more than her?

"She wasn't rude she just didn't want her toddler to hand back the phone before we were definately leaving. "

That's not her call to make. If it was her phone, then she could decide whether her toddler can play with it for the next 5 mins or not, but it wasn't her phone. So, your DH had a right to ask for it back and you sister had no right to refuse. What she did after that - the look - just put her even further into the wrong.

If you took this out on your DH, then you should apologise. Its up to your sister to behave properly, not up to your husband to take whatever she metes out.

No...enough. This is in danger of becoming a pile-in. Stop.

Actually, her dh's response was overly rude and confrontational. There is fault on both sides here. Stop brushing what he said under the rug so you can stick the boot in the sis.

He doesn't sound very friendly OP.

Passive aggression is not being "very nice to each other"

Seconded. Your poor H, not only dealing with the poor behaviour of your family but also being told you hate him over it. No wonder you're upset and he's moody; you rely on her so much say you couldn't survive without her and you've been conditioned to believe her kind of dynamic is normal and reasonable and it isn't.

I would suggest you do start distancing yourself from your sister. I'm sure that you could survive perfectly well without her, most people manage to cope with school dropoffs and childcare without a relative round the corner. She is clearly trying to undermine your relationship with your husband which in turn will harm you and your children.