DH and DSis hate each other

[germinal]

Will try and keep this short. I have a close family and my sister and I live around the corner from each other. We support each other a lot with school drop offs childcare and stuff like that. I couldn't survive without her really.

My DH doesn't have much to do with her but does not like her. She is passive aggressive, more to me than him. Anyway, tonight her toddler was playing with DH phone as we were leaving family get together (rare) and DH said "can I have my phone back?" And DSis said "can it wait 5 mins"? Obviously that is ridiculous but then my DH made some angry comment at her. She and her DH exchanged smug glances along the lines of "what an arsehole".

I hate them all to be honest. But I feel so upset. Where to from here? I don't know how to approach it with sister. I told DH I hate him. It's all a mess.

Maybe he's been reasonable, maybe he's had enough.

He was calm and polite. She said no. So he increased the force. Normal behavior. It's his right. The OP certainly doesn't have the right to expect him not to do this to keep her happy. If anything, it would be understandable if he felt the op should step in and deal with her sister herself, on his account. But she didn't want to rock the boat because she would lose out. So she's in no position to make demands on him.

We don't know how many years of OP being completely reliant on her passive-aggressive sister and her smug, goady behaviour he's already been taking lying down. You don't have to stoop to someone's level to make it plain their behaviour will no longer be tolerated, but not reacting lets them get away scot free. 'If it upsets OP' is another matter as in healthy relationships obviously no one wants to upset their spouse but she's not exactly blameless in the upsetting stakes by telling her DH she hated him over this.

Op. I think you need to take a goodd long hard look on your own boundaries because although you arequire probably passive, I think you do enable situations by not drawing the line appropriately.

You should say to your Dsis that she must not make you choose between your DH and her. tell her you saw the look she gave her DH and your DH saw it too. It was very inappropriate and it caused upset to you on two levels: that your Dsis was disrespecting your DH and that you had an argument with your DH about it afterwards when it should never have been an issue in the first place.
Tell her that this is not how your family were brought up to behave towards each other so she needs to stop it now and you don't ever want to have to speak to her like this again.

then expect her to be shocked, try to get you back onside either by bullying you into it or by offering you sympathy. Then after that she might decide to reign it in next time. It won't make her like him, it will just encourage her to think twice before showing it.