DH and DSis hate each other

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Will try and keep this short. I have a close family and my sister and I live around the corner from each other. We support each other a lot with school drop offs childcare and stuff like that. I couldn't survive without her really.

My DH doesn't have much to do with her but does not like her. She is passive aggressive, more to me than him. Anyway, tonight her toddler was playing with DH phone as we were leaving family get together (rare) and DH said "can I have my phone back?" And DSis said "can it wait 5 mins"? Obviously that is ridiculous but then my DH made some angry comment at her. She and her DH exchanged smug glances along the lines of "what an arsehole".

I hate them all to be honest. But I feel so upset. Where to from here? I don't know how to approach it with sister. I told DH I hate him. It's all a mess.

Thanks everyone. I was not responding because I apologised to DH. Maybe I did over dramatise. Yes, I definately try to keep everyone happy. It is draining but I don't know how to stop. I really do love them both and they both have their issues.

If they don't like each other there's not much you can do about it. What you can do though, is not expect your DH to be the peacemaker or accountable to your silly sister. Toddler playing with his 'phone, he wants it back. So? Whats wrong with that? A 'phone is not a toy Id have taken my 'phone back in a heartbeat. Whatever your sis and her husband are like, they showed solidarity with each other (even tho it was a dumb smug look between them) so try showing solidarity with your DH. He is his own person he doesn't like your sister and has little to do with her.. that makes sense so leave the man alone on this point fgs. Its he that is your partner - not your sister

Its good that you apologised and hopefully all is well now. Being a people pleaser does not work. Grown adults will do what they like and nobody can be told or forced to like another person. Are you scared your sister will do less for you now? If thats the case you will just have to get on with it and pick up the slack, thats life you can't depend on other people constantly and conveniently being there. If my OH was constantly in a tizz about me not liking his brother/sister or they not liking me it would wind me up no end.

Should I say anything to DSis?

Yeah, tell her to stop being a passive agressive twat.

If my partner allowed someone to give my phone to a child, I'd be beyond cross.

If this bloody awful and entitled parent refused to give me MY phone back and my stupid Arse partner backed them, I'd seriously consider my relationship.

What YOU have done is revolting, you don't let other people disrespect your h under any circumstances, you just don't.

Your sister is a monumental twat. You are too if you allow her to treat your family like this.

Cop yourself on before you end up being a parent that needs to sort out custody arrangements and. Intact weekends.

No, what would you say?
"I think you were being PA to DH, and I didn't like the look that passed between you and your DH that seemed to say you thought he was an arsehole" - she'd probably go "Whaaatt?"

But next time one of her children picks up something they shouldn't have, you might step in yourself and say "No, DN, you shouldn't have that" and take it off them, rather than your DH having to do so and risking further antagonism between them.

Only say something if she does.

As for the comment about definitely leaving, they'd have been "definitely leaving" right there and then!

No wonder he's moody, you don't support him, pacify complete twats over him and he is supposed to just stfu?

It's no good trying to keep everyone happy if it leaves you unhappy.

If you don't fancy having a word with your sister, would you be able to intervene another time?

Ask your husband if he could try to be more tempered in his replies in future?

How did the youngster get the phone?

Yes...how did he come to have your h's phone in the first place? Who gave it to him?

I dont know about this tbh. If your dh agreed to let the toddler play with the phone then it's nice to let them finish what they were doing before taking it back. I always say to my dc that they have five minutes to finish up on the playstation to complete a level or get to a saving point. That is basic consideration and kids are no less entitled to it than adults. Presumably he did agree to the child having the phone?

As for the rest, it seems that neither your h or your sis like each other and neither is fully prepared to/capable of hiding that all the time, for your benefit.

Only you can say whether your dh is unnecessarily brusque/rude to his ils for no good reason or if your sister is rude and looking for conflict. I would suggest you try and think about that dispassionately. From there, have some honest conversations about what you expect from both sides.

It is unfortunate if you dont like your ils but for the sake of your spouse/sister etc you have to suck it up and behave like a grown up, so no PA remarks, or rudeness is acceptable. Both sides have a duty to make the best of it for the sake of the person they love. As that person, your job is to insist each side behaves fairly.

In addition to that, minimise contact. Easier to behave if contact is rare!

Somehow you are cross at DH not her.
You used the word 'hate' in your title, you'd much rather everyone at least pretended to get along.

An incomer will see our family and all those quirky habits and behaviours differently. Maybe your DH feels defensive because he saw early on how your sister treats you. Perhaps he isn't very good at pretending to enjoy get-togethers.

If you side with your sister and expect him to turn the other cheek whenever she winds him up this would explain why he snapped. Do you think she's unaware you are uncomfortable about her parenting choices on occasion? Exchanging smug looks with BIL, why wouldn't they, they're on the same side.

Of course deep down it could be that your sister and your DH aren't dissimilar. They recognise something in one another; takes one to know one. You are stuck in the middle. That doesn't mean you have to be referee.

Which came first, OP? Your sisters passive-aggressiveness or your DH's moody behaviour?

If your DSIS is PA towards you as well, are you sure your DH's reactions aren't based on the way she treats you and his children? Or is your DH just a moody git in general and your DSIS responds with extreme PA just to get a rise out of him?

Only you know the answer.

You show your husband no support at all, and you fuss about your sister. Wouldn't work for me. You'd be shown the door.

You'd sis sounds horrible and tbh so do you.

You told your DH you hate him because he asked for his phone back??

He must be wishing he'd never got involved with such a shower 🙄

Who gave your DH's phone to the toddler?

IMO, between two people who get on the "can it wait 5mins" wouldn't be an issue.

But in this instance it would seem deliberate to wind the husband up, which it did, hence the smug glances.

Which makes both your sister & her husband sound bloody horrible.

So, your husband needs to not react.

I think your sister is completely in the wrong here and I don't blame your Dh at all for not wanting to get close to them if this is generally what they are like.
Also it seems like you are the one placing your Dh in a very stressful situation by ranting out at him over not toeing the line according to your sister. Can't you see that?

If your family are all so great and inclusive to each other, why do you feel so left out? Because even if your husband were the worst person on earth, they shouldn't be making you feel like that. They would make sure that you still felt loved and included, because they wouldn't want you feeling alone just because they didn't like your husband.

You've given a bare minimum of info., but it would seem that
a) your family aren't nearly as nice as you think they are, and are happy to let you feel like shit so long as they all get to club together and be happy.
b) Your husband is moody and tries to stay away from them (and it sounds like he's 'moody' not just around your family) so you spend your time trying to pacify him.

Why do you feel the need to keep so many people happy when it makes you feel like crap? I get the impression that you probably grew up feeling like the outsider and trying to people please to gain love, and now you're doing it in your marriage as well.

Try to stop relying on your sister. Then the next time she lets her kid do something you don't like, you can just say 'time to go, see you soon, bye' rather than tying yourself in knots to tolerate crap.

You are quite clearly not trying to keep your dh happy!

Glad you apologised.

so your husband needs to not react

No, he needs to do what he chooses to do and an authentic reaction is perfectly ok if that's how he decides to play it.

Well tbh, I don't think that he should react if it upsets Op.

He should not stoop to the level of the sister.

He doesn't have to take it lying down if he doesn't want to! Be reasonable.

No, but by reacting he's just getting drawn into Ops sisters petty games.

He could just stay calm & polite & yes, be reasonable, as you suggest.