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Original poster

50 shades of grey

105 replies

jamesdeandaydream · 18/12/2015 00:49

I've been talking to a guy on tinder for a few days now. Seems really nice, normal and hasn't mentioned sex once. Until now. Very tame and not in any kind of sleazy way. If anything, I was saying worse thinns! But towards the end of the conversation he said he was 'giving me a hint' and said he's 'a bit 50 shades of grey' and then he went!

Should I run for the hills before I've even met him?!

OP posts:
whatdoIget · 18/12/2015 00:50

It depends whether you're into that kind of stuff or not?

tinyme135 · 18/12/2015 00:53

I agree if you like it then go for it. if it's something you're curious about no harm in trying.

MadeMan · 18/12/2015 05:21

'50 shades of grey' is dull, unadventurous and tame; '50 hues of a Dulux paint chart' is better.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/12/2015 05:23

I'm not into bdsm so I'd give him a miss personally but it's up to you! It doesn't make him a bad person, but it could make you sexually incompatible

Original poster
jamesdeandaydream · 18/12/2015 07:44

I've never tried anything like that and haven't read/seen 50 shades so I'm not sure what it even involves! I suppose I'm intrigued

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 18/12/2015 07:54

Oh dear.

I read the first part of 50shades, and I'd say that it gives the whole scene a bad name. In real life, those kind of relationships are between two consenting adults who really know what they are doing. In 50shades, low and behold we find a shy and unassuming, never had a boyfriend catapulted into a complicated scene. I can't see how the woman as described in 50 shades could possibly have the understanding in order to consent.

What a surprise, i understand by the end she has 'saved' him and they are suddenly in a romantic, happy conventional relationship. Oh please.

Meanwhile, re OP, it might be worth reading around the topic before you start to get involved in the scene. With eyes wide open, if it really appeals, then it's what ever works for you.

On the whole, though, if someone says that they love you (when they have only really met you) and that they want to show that love by hurting you (after you have signed a contract to not sue them about it) i say run for the hills and don't look back.

If someone i was interested in, hinted that they were a bit 50 shades, I'd ask them to tell me a bit more about what they meant by that. Good luck.

Offred · 18/12/2015 07:55

50 shades of grey is about an abusive relationship IMO. As someone who does like BDSM although it claims to portray kinky BDSM sex what it actually does is conflate BDSM sex with the abuse of women.

It is one of the worst things ever and I would run for the hills if someone said that to me.

chelle792 · 18/12/2015 08:00

He's testing the waters without clearly coming out and saying it. He wants to know if you're the kinky type or if you're vanilla. I doubt that he's actually basing his bdsm on 50 shades but for some, there is no interest in dating someone vanilla. If you're curious, tell him that Wink

futureme · 18/12/2015 08:10

I'd say like above he's just testing the water without wanting to push too far.

There's a whole variety of kink. People can be into bedroom kink without being active on the scene. Yes I agree most people in the bdsm scene dislike 50 shades (for good reason) but it has made something previously thought to be perverted and taboo in the public consciousness.

Bizarrely one big married D/s site credits 50shades with getting them into the lifestyle so is very positive about it!!

futureme · 18/12/2015 08:11

As for advice - so some reading. Maybe watch the film (its rubbish but it would give you a reference point.) Have you seen secretary?

Ask ecactly what he means. It could be great fun but only if he's taking you where you want to go...

HermioneWeasley · 18/12/2015 08:16

Nobody truly into BDSM would describe themselves as a bit "50 shades of grey". He probably means he's a controlling, abusive, narcissistic wanker, in which case run for the hills!

Original poster
jamesdeandaydream · 18/12/2015 08:23

I'm open to trying new things but nothing too hardcore. The thing is, I like his personality but he doesn't wow me in the looks department. I don't know if I'd fancy him enough to be able to try these 'new experiences'. Maybe I should keep looking. Will have to watch 50 shades to see what all the fuss is about!

OP posts:
Offred · 18/12/2015 08:34

It does not normalise BDSM, it normalises abuse of women.

LionHeartedWoman · 18/12/2015 10:22

What Offred said.

He hasn't even met you yet, but has to put his sexual preferences on the table. Seriously he sounds like trouble in the offering.

If you are curious, explore for yourself without someone influencing you. You may find it to be your thing, you might not, but don't get involved with someone possibly hoping for a relationship on this basis.

cailindana · 18/12/2015 10:25

'I'm a bit 50 shades' means 'I'm a shit lover who expects you to let me hurt you and not complain about it.' Tell him to fuck off.

LionHeartedWoman · 18/12/2015 10:27

Too many men use 50 shades as an excuse for being selfish and poor sexual partners.

BSDM relationships are built on trust, the sub is actually the one in charge. Most of the men touting for a sub just want to use someone without having to consider their feelings/wants at all.

LionHeartedWoman · 18/12/2015 10:28

(I am a slow typerBlush x-posts with caili)

pinkyredrose · 18/12/2015 10:32

If he's in to 50 shades then he's not into bdsm, he's a guy who thinks he is but isn't. Avoid!

FrChewieLouie · 18/12/2015 10:34

By using the phrase 'a bit 50 shades of grey', surely he is just using a pop culture reference to give a clue as to his inclinations. It's easier and less intimidating than asking you if you like getting tied up. It hardly makes him actually Christian Grey in all his abusive non-glory.

He's just making sure he isn't wasting his time getting deeper into something that will always be vanilla.

I wouldn't blame him for that. I would, however, blame him for genuinely thinking that 50 Shades is a faithful representation of a BDSM relationship. But the chances are he probably doesn't.

So, if you're open to a bit of kink, maybe give him a chance. If not, don't.

Offred · 18/12/2015 10:36

And yes to practice real BDSM respectfully and with proper consent (which is even more important with BDSM than other sex) it requires a huge amount of trust and knowing someone really, really well.

I would never do BDSM or suggest it to someone I barely knew and had never slept with on online dating.

I don't think he is suggesting BDSM though. As others say he is looking for someone to abuse who is prepared not to answer back. Or at least that would be my impression of him from that comment.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 18/12/2015 10:49

No advice to give re. the bloke other than prob run for the hills - but you've reminded me that The Misogyny Book Club on R4 is about 50 Shades next week - thanks for that! Grin

cailindana · 18/12/2015 10:54

It is seriously odd to say something like that and just end the conversation.

violettahatesoperatta · 18/12/2015 11:09

I'm a sub and very active in the local community and on Fetlife. I am currently searching for a Dominant so I have had a lot of experience on the online dating scene re: BDSM

He is actually being very wise and I doff my cap to him. I'll explain why.

Most truly kinky people want to meet only truly kinky people if they are looking for a LTR. It is fucking tough. On both sides. There are a lot of fakers about (suprisingly!).

He is referencing pop culture as perhaps that is the only thing that a (excuse me) vanilla could grasp very quickly. If he had said Story of O or Venus in Furs or Sleeping Beauty, how many would know?

He is testing the waters without being overtly sexual. That is wise. he's keeping his powder dry. However, I am assuming that he actually is genuinely kinky. But until you get to know him better it would be very difficult for someone who is not an experienced sub to know. I try very very hard not to meet fakers but even I can get caught. Not for a while though now...

My advice would be; be cautious, listen to your gut and always meet in a public place. Have a safe call ready and use it. Don't go anywhere with him. All normal stuff really.

If you want to message me I can give you my pointers that I use to 'weed' them out. But really, if it isn't your thing I would say, move on.

Offred · 18/12/2015 11:17

My advice would be; be cautious, listen to your gut and always meet in a public place. Have a safe call ready and use it. Don't go anywhere with him. All normal stuff really.

Or given it is just some random on Internet dating just click the 'block' button and move on? Hmm

Having been into BDSM for many years and had a variety of relationships where BDSM has been involved and not involved I would say the following;

  • do not ever try something like this with a random off the internet, particularly if they are expecting you to be the sub.
  • People who place such heavy priority on the particular type of sex they want out of you at the start of any interaction are to be avoided.
  • I am highly dubious about people who are interested in the 'BDSM scene' and who are prepared to practice this type of sex with virtual strangers because of the issues around consent. IME it takes a long while to get to know someone and their boundaries and desires well enough to be able to do this kind of sex with full consent and in an enjoyable way for all involved. There are a number of people involved in the 'scene' who are there to harm themselves or others or simply don't care enough about whether they do or not.
violettahatesoperatta · 18/12/2015 11:25

Hey what a coinikidinK Offred. You have just given me loads of lovely advice on my house thread :-) Flowers

Yeah.. and I totally echo her advice here too. I would never ever play on a first date, no matter how much I was tempted. And believe me, I have :-)

One of the better ways is to get involved locally, go to munches (meetings) and go by personal recommendation with fellow sub friends and kinksters. I use OKC and then establish if they have a fet profile and if any of my friends on there know them. People get reputations very quickly and it's always better to be safe the sorry.

There is a perception that 'fake' BDSM's are dangerous people. That isn't really true. You are just as likely to get assaulted in a vanilla setting as a kink one. The big obvious danger is that you will be tied up with a raving loon. But then as Offred rightly said, that is where consent and trust would need to be established first. That takes time.

The biggest danger IMHO is that you fall for a 'faker' who uses you just for the kinky sex before abandoning you. Every sub I have ever met sings that song.

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