50 shades of grey

[jamesdeandaydream]

I've been talking to a guy on tinder for a few days now. Seems really nice, normal and hasn't mentioned sex once. Until now. Very tame and not in any kind of sleazy way. If anything, I was saying worse thinns! But towards the end of the conversation he said he was 'giving me a hint' and said he's 'a bit 50 shades of grey' and then he went!

Should I run for the hills before I've even met him?!

[UptownFunk00]

I'm 25 and already the only kinds of 50 shades I'm interested in can be seen at B&Q on those colour charts :)

But seriously OP if you are interested in exploring that's great but I'd do that with either (a) someone experienced and recommended or (b) someone you know really well and trust.

I wouldn't just try it because a potential partner was interested in it. It's not like it's Golf.

[jamesdeandaydream]

It's not like it's golf -

I'm not going to sleep with him but might go on a date with him just to see what his personality is like in person.

schlong this 'dizzy mare' was merely enquiring as to what the more experienced posters thought about what he said re gagging and hair pulling.

[UptownFunk00]

That's fair enough you'll be able to gauge whether you have any sort of connection or not by meeting him face to face.

[chelle792]

It'll be good to go on a date with him. I knew my DH was into kink when we first met but our dating was nothing like that.

Proceed with caution but enjoy. I ended up married to my kinky date

[RedRainRocks]

Offred speaks sense, and a good deal of it.

I personally think the fact he mentioned fifty shades is probably a gentle way to gauge if you have any interest in activities of that nature. There are however a number of huge misconceptions about kink and D/s not exclusively as a result of that book, however...

Enjoying tying someone up - or being tied up doesn't actually mean you have a desire for; or any interest in, power exchange dynamics such as D/s. You may just get off on the rope and the headspace that creates.

Not all Dom/sub dynamics involve hair pulling, gagging or kinky sex of any sort - although I'll agree it's fairly common to have the two together. Control is the main driver in power exchange. Who is really in control is an interesting debate. As a sub, one would choose not to excercise their agency...submission is an active and continual choice, to concede to the will of the other.

I agree that some practices at the more extreme end of the sadism/masochism end of the spectrum could appear to the outside vanilla observer to be abusive - especially if we throw a little Consensual Non Consent into the mix (often termed blanket consent, where you consent to the person and not a specific act - after which anything their creativity can conjure goes) however the one very big difference is - this is not something that is done TO you, it's something you experience TOGETHER. It's a sense of mutuality, shared interests, shared desires. Trust & Communication are paramount in these situations and as others have said... I would never just give it a go with a random internet stranger for the experience. Most genuine kinky folk who are into the scene won't want you to get right to it with them either. Doms need to trust subs as much as subs need to trust them... It pays both parties to get to know each other before embarking on play. UK law being what it is, buyers remorse could land a Dom with a criminal conviction for certain activities.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

schlong, if it's not your thing it's not your thing...that's absolutely fine. Not everyone is into kink and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

It would certainly be abusive if it were being done to someone who didn't want it or consent to it. For someone who finds the restraint and roughness exciting, it can be part of very satisfying play. Gagging gives me a sense of helplessness which heightens my submissive feeling and trust in my dom. It also intensifies my orgasm; I can't express it through crying out, and so it gets turned inwards and becomes harder. Hair pulling doesn't do anything for me personally, but it does for many others.

It's not abuse when it's consensual and to mutual benefit.

A further thought on the 'control' thing...to me, it means in part that I can't 'manipulate' my dom in any way (topping from the bottom, something I have been known to manage with people who weren't the right fit for me, some of whom I don't believe were true doms). Suppose there is a certain way I'd like the scene to go. I can't control what my dom does; he won't be swayed by my big eyes or sweet talk or attempts at persuasion. He might, if I ask openly, agree to it, but it's still his decision, not mine.

If he decides he wants to do something else, I still consent to and submit to his will. But if he does something that is against my limits, or which I realise I absolutely genuinely do not want on any level, I do have the power to safeword and stop it. That's not manipulation, but it is an exercise in ultimate control. Or as one dominant told me once: "I set the scene, you set the limits. I say what does happen, you say what doesn't."

Also, aftercare. You don't have to be in a committed relationship or madly in love with your dom, but there should definitely be aftercare. You may feel fragile or vulnerable after a scene but you should not feel broken or damaged. Ideally, you should feel high.

Offred's right that a safeword alone isn't really enough; you do have to know each other and be on the right wavelength with each other. I love BDSM but I do accept it comes with risks and I have been unfortunate enough to have had one or two bad scenes when my dominant wasn't paying proper attention. He subsequently apologised and we worked through it, but dang, I never knew a bad scene could have an effect like that...and it took some time to get over it. There are still things I don't like to do as a result of it.

[violettahatesoperatta]

schlong It is NOT abuse if it is consensual. Not at all.

Try it! You might like it. After all 75% of women are sexually submissive. Just a thought...

[violettahatesoperatta]

Also echo Offred and ShebaShimmyShake on the safe word malarky.

[Branleuse]

consensual bdsm is not abusive any more than consensual sex is rape

[violettahatesoperatta]

Hear! Hear! Branleuse

[Twinklestein]

I would just assume he's a tit.

[Gowgirl]

I've just read this whole thread and now I'm confused where the abuse aspect comes in, I don't really understand the BDSM thing but enjoy a bit of hair pulling or slap and tickle. Why such venemance about what I assume is between consenting adults?

[violettahatesoperatta]

Well quite Gowgirl

[Gowgirl]

I'm blaming the prosecco!

[ShebaShimmyShake]

To be fair...if you're not familiar with it, it can look abusive. There are a lot of adult videos and scenes I won't watch because even though I do understand what is happening, and realise that the women are consenting, they distress me for certain reasons. Mainstream representations of BDSM often don't really explain it well either possibly because everything is geared towards a male gaze and perspective and not female sexuality or psychology because who gives a shit about that.

Years ago when I was first exploring my thoughts on this, I read a couple of books which I now realise were an absolutely appalling introduction to BDSM. Absolutely no insight into the actual relationship, the complicated dynamics or psychology, no mention of any aftercare or tenderness, and in the case of one that purported to be a true memoir....if that's really how it happened, and she really hasn't left out anything important, then actually I still think that particular relationship was indeed abusive. Certainly to hear her tell it, it didn't seem to bring her anything but misery.

It left me completely baffled, somewhat disturbed and thinking that perhaps I wasn't actually into this after all and it was a long time before I was fortunate enough to happen on some experiences with someone who taught me, very patiently, what it's really all about.

[Branleuse]

i agree with that sheba - There are some nasty aspects to it and some very very fucked up people in the scene. In fact I think most of the scene is gross and fucked up, but at the very core of it, I believe in consent, so its not my business..
Places like FL scare the shit out of me, but I think most people who practice bdsm arent like that and arent in any weird scene

[violettahatesoperatta]

Actually FL is really good but it is an exceedingly difficult place to navigate round. If you this MN is bad

Took me about 6 months to 'learn' it which is shorthand for 'how to deal with the nutters'.

But I have some really good friends on there now. But that has come from knowing the local community.

[Branleuse]

not if you go into the depths of it and see the kind of hideous illegal and genuinely abusive stuff they tolerate, which is nothing like the nicey nicey side of it we talk about here

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Nillas run a mile at the suggestion of kink whilst yelling 'pervert' over their shoulders

Seriously? How insulting. I'm vanilla in my preferences and I'm old enough to be confident in my choices so wouldn't date someone who was into kink. I certainly don't run screaming or yelling pervert, I just have different preferences. Kink is not superior or more evolved than vanilla, despite what some seem to think. You are not more sexual than me, again, despite what some people seem to think about 'nillas'

[Fatrascals]

'Nillas run a mile at the suggestion of kink whilst yelling 'pervert' over their shoulders.

What a load of bollocks

[Fatrascals]

Cross post with you obsidian

[Zucker]

It sounds like he just threw in a 50 shades reference with the thought that all the women go mad for that there Christian Grey. I can't imagine someone genuinely interested in BDSM using that shite as a reference.

[RedRainRocks]

"75% of women are sexually submissive". I'd be hugely interested where you got that figure from? As far as I'm aware the last study of sexual preferences - which wasn't entirely scientific - didn't put the number at anything like that percentage!

[GhettoFabulous]

I'd run a mile from anyone referencing 50 Shades because the scene has become flooded with men who think they're kinky because they like to go on top. Not one clue and little interest in learning.

I'm primarily an ageplayer and prefer consensual non consent (as a domme) so I'm queen of the perverts round here, I suspect. And I'm not the edgiest of players I know in real life, not by a long shot.

If I was a sub, I'd be very wary of men claiming to be tops or doms who're not, or have never been, part of the scene. If that's the case, where did they learn their techniques, and who can vouch for them? You may think a sub has all the power (I'd dispute that anyway) but if you're trussed up like a turkey you are completely at the other's mercy.

Consent violations even among "trusted" and "respected" scenesters are more common than you think, and are often framed around the sub not being clear enough and victim blaming. And although it's a subculture, it often mirrors the misogyny of regular culture.

[violettahatesoperatta]

Branleuse I'm not disagreeing with you there at all. I am saying that I find it useful and beneficial.

'Nillas run a mile at the suggestion of kink whilst yelling 'pervert' over their shoulders.

Every kinky man I have EVER met has said that they have been called a pervert.

I have met a lot of kinky men.