50 shades of grey

[jamesdeandaydream]

I've been talking to a guy on tinder for a few days now. Seems really nice, normal and hasn't mentioned sex once. Until now. Very tame and not in any kind of sleazy way. If anything, I was saying worse thinns! But towards the end of the conversation he said he was 'giving me a hint' and said he's 'a bit 50 shades of grey' and then he went!

Should I run for the hills before I've even met him?!

[Branleuse]

i think, as people have said, someone saying that is most likely not actually into 50 shades of grey, but just testing the water, using a term that most people would know about, rather than explaining to you his full repertoire of sexual kinks.

[violettahatesoperatta]

Oh and just to restate. Unless you are an experienced submissive then online dating is fraught!

I run a group in Reading for women or people who self identify as female AND submissive. No men or Dominants allowed. We network, chat and share information to keep ourselves safe and we meet once a month at a location only known to us which we swap every time.

It's open to all. My Fet profile is not the same as on here. Please do get in touch if you are interested in attending.

[Offred]

And yeah he may just be using it as an easy explanation but it would still concern me that he picked that rather than simply saying 'BDSM'. Given it's an Internet random I'd not bother to investigate any further tbh.

[futureme]

Oh violet that sounds amazing. too far from reading.

[Offred]

Yes, that sounds boss though I am dominant and not in reading! It's important for female subs to be recognised as empowered. Too many feel it is a woman's natural role and use it to abuse or alternately see female subs as professional victims and bad feminists, nothing really in between!

[jamesdeandaydream]

Well he's massaged me today and I asked him to elaborate. He's never seen or read 50 shades but basically said that he likes to tie people up and that he doesn't like anything sinister or abusive. I think he's trying to act all kinky and different to get me interested but the fact that he's mentioned it at all has put me off. Not because I don't want to experiment (I'd be happy to) but because I'd rather have a few dates and get to know someone before jumping into bed and getting tied up!

[Branleuse]

i think thats fine OP, and I also think its fine that hes mentioned it early on if its important to him. No point him getting all interested and then youre not sexually compatible after all if hes got a particular fetish.
Just say "glad that youve been honest so no mixed messages, but i dont think thats gonna work for me, see ya"

[HermioneWeasley]

Liking to tie people up has to be the mildest kink I've ever heard of.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

A true dominant will understand that the sub is in fact in control. He should not be doing anything without her permission. Despite how it looks on the outside, the real dynamics are the complete opposite. The sub may be bound, restrained, but in actual fact she is experiencing complete sexual release. The dom may be the one doing the restraining but in actual fact he is operating under her restraint. He is adhering to her limits and he will certainly respect her safeword. He might well test her limits a little - that's how you get edge and try new experiences - but he will absolutely not break them.

Right before my very first BDSM session, my dominant was talking me through it - I was very very nervous - and he told me to remember that I was in control and I could stop it at any time.

The true control comes from the fact that he should be delivering experiences to her that she enjoys and wants repeated. Yes, she should feel an urge to please him, but only because he has gained so much of her trust and respect. A little fear gives it an edge, but she should certainly not be genuinely frightened for her wellbeing. She should be able to trust her dom in that.

There are so, so many men who think they are dom because they want women to do everything they say. That doesn't make someone dom. It makes him 15.


(I've assumed male dom and female sub in this example but of course a scene doesn't need to be gendered this way.)

[chelle792]

Don't let yourself be put off op. If bdsm sounds appealing then give it a go. I don't think I've shared this on MN before but I 'met' DH on a fetish website. It was a requirement for both of us. If its a requirement for him then he may have asked so he could suss you out not because he wants to take you to bed straight away

[chelle792]

And for the record, my DH is genuinely the most thoughtful, caring, gentle and considerate man I've ever met. Despite his interest in floggers

[DeoGratias]

It's a bit chicken and egg, though, jamesd. As violetta said, he will only want someone his way inclined so it's a bit like a gay man - you only want to date other gay men so the first question has to be is that other person gay, almost, before anyone wastes their time. It sounds like this kind of thing is not for you which is fine - just tell him and he can look for someone who is compatible.

[DoorToTheRiver]

If you're uncomfortable OP it's fine to tell him you would rather leave it. It is also perfectly possible to have a sexual relationship with a man who likes to tie women up without getting tied up yourself if it's not your thing.

[Branleuse]

i dont think its true to say that the sub is entirely in control, but it is usually the sub that sets the ultimate limits. Both parties should be meeting each others needs. The Dom isnt going to be doing things they dont want to do to meet the subs needs either

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Setting the ultimate limits means that you are in fact in control. It means that ultimately, however testing or intense the experience is (and I understand that), it is happening only with your permission. I've protested in scenes, even cried in scenes, but if I don't use my safeword there's a reason, and it's because I do, ultimately, want to be pushed. On the very rare occasion I have used it, the scene has stopped immediately.

You're absolutely right that it should be a mutually beneficial relationship. Subs should have a desire to please, but it should be because they respect their dom and want to make him happy. Not because they're mentally beaten down by him (I know you're not implying this).

Submission is, ultimately, a choice. You don't have to submit to someone or give yourself to them if you don't want to. My dominant has a lot of power and control over me, but he has none that I don't choose to let him have.

[violettahatesoperatta]

Ohhh very interesting debate!!

The 'who is really in control' debate is a classic!

My major fetish is 'control'... I like to be controlled (and other things as well ) but fundamentally the sub has the absolute power which she lends to the Dominant on either a temporary or permanent basis. It's slightly more complex in Master/slave dynamics but the bottom line is; he abuses her, she should walk.

To the OP: I disagree - he will not be doing it to impress you IME. 'Nillas run a mile at the suggestion of kink whilst yelling 'pervert' over their shoulders. He is doing it because he is kinky and wants to be straight. The fact that he has only spoken about restraint is no indication of deeper kinks. I guarantee there will be others. Mentioning kink to a stranger that he is not sure of is a sure fire to to end the conversation posthaste.

And I very much do liken kink to the gay scene. There was a huge crossover back in the 70's I think and now we have the terms 'old leather' and 'new leather'. Old are comes from gay biker gangs, new is us. We have borrowed alot from their culture.

BTW to everyone.. there will be other fem sub groups around the county. Please do message me with your county/city and I will look them up for you.

[violettahatesoperatta]

Actually.. just re-read your original post OP.

He has been very gentlemanly in not 'sexting up the message'. That would be a green flag to me.

For example, I messaging someone at the moment and he is going a bit sexual. Before anyone gasps in horror.. I am weighing him up at the moment because it's too early to say either way. My big concern is that he only wants kinky sex but I want a true Dominant.

The acid test will be meeting. A true Dom will always give themselves away as 'tells'; body language, the way they walk and hold themselves, eye contact and 'the look' of course.

I think you may be a little intrigued OP?

[violettahatesoperatta]

Not because I don't want to experiment (I'd be happy to) but because I'd rather have a few dates and get to know someone before jumping into bed and getting tied up!

Putting the cart before the horse there lovely. YOU are in control and YOU dictate your expectations. If you are new though, how do you know where the edge of your zones actually are? Fuck me, I am still learning!

Ask for advice if you need it.

[PrimeDirective]

I think the fact that he mentioned it this early on in the relationship would put me right off! I like a bit of kink, but there's no need to throw that in before you've even had sex, not unless you need that kink to get off. And if it is a requirement, I'd run a mile.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Endless discussion, violetta :) I think all subs like to be controlled, I can't imagine how you'd properly submit unless that was happening. But as you say, you do retain the absolute power because ultimately, he shouldn't be doing anything to you without your permission. It can get razor thin at times, but the moment he does something when you told him properly, truly, safeworded no, it becomes abuse and not BDSM.

BDSM is not abuse, as anyone who knows it will tell you. But there do seem to be a lot of people who don't realise that in the wrong hands, it can easily slide that way. There is a risk if you don't know and trust your partner and even very experienced Doms have told me that they sometimes get so deeply into their topspace that they have to work hard to control their sense of 'menace'. But since they are real dominants, they do. They realise that before they can truly control a sub, they have to be able to control themselves.

Regarding OP...To be honest, what puts me off this guy is that his frame of reference is 50 Shades. I don't wish to be that kinkster who dictates to other people who's doing kink 'right' and 'wrong' and claims to be the one true authority on "real" BDSM...but I have noticed that when that's people's frame of reference for it, their understanding does tend to be on a pretty superficial level. Everyone has their level, and all of them are fine, but in the case of those wanting to dom, it can mean a scene is less satisfying, or possibly less safe. Not saying that's always the case of course, but it's just something I've noticed and would watch out for.

Especially since Christian Grey is a whinging tit.

[violettahatesoperatta]

Yes of course to be submissive means surrendering control But not all subs identify that as their 'top driver'.

[jamesdeandaydream]

Well I'm certainly learning a lot about something I'd never even really thought about before! I'm definitely intrigued and didn't really realise I was until now. I'm still talking to him and he mentioned hair pulling and gagging. What do you think to that? He seems like a really nice guy and he has made me think about what I want but I'm not sure whether I want that with him I suppose a date wouldn't hurt. I don't want to sound shallow but I only find him attractive in one of his photos and he said that was 6 years ago and the other (not so attractive) ones are more recent.

[jamesdeandaydream]

I suppose a date wouldn't hurt - poor choice of wording there

[Offred]

I'm not a fan of total reliance on a safe word. I think it's important to get to know someone and understand them and their limits too. Knowing what someone is interested in is not the full story. I need to know why too if you are the Dom you have a huge responsibility to ensure you are not actually just perpetuating someone's emotional and sexual problems, re-enacting their abuse in a way you would never agree to if you knew...

[schlong]

Wtf? You're all mental. Gagging and hair pulling? How did we sink so low? There's threads here of women being abused and this dizzy mare is considering some loser into doing just that. I fucking despair.