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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH having another baby and I'm devastated.

115 replies

Sinkingships · 05/09/2015 19:38

Not because I still care about him, I don't, but because it is his fault I don't have my own children.

SS sent my children to live with someone else because of trouble he started and now he gets to start a brand new family with someone else?

It's so fucking unfair.

OP posts:
channingswife · 05/09/2015 19:41

I'm so sorry to hear that! That sounds horribly unfair.

Keep talking if it wil help!

Original poster
Sinkingships · 05/09/2015 19:49

I can't bear the thought of telling ds1 that his dad is going to have a new baby that he sees everyday and lives with all the time when he only gets to see him once every few months when he can be bothered to go and see them. It'll break his heart, he loves and misses his dad so much already not that ExH deserves that love the selfish cunt . I worry that he'll feel like he's been replaced, which he kind of has been. Even this bloody new baby's due date is in the middle of ds1 and ds2's. It will take priority over them forever now. I can't believe he is being so thoughtless actually I can, he always was hence why he's an ex

I know I will never have another child because the children I already have come first and I couldn't do that to them after everything that's happened. If he has a girl it'll be the daughter I'll never have too.

Karma has a lot of answer for, why the fuck is it fair that he gets to treat his wife and kids appallingly for years, rip our family apart, probably destroy our DC's childhoods in the process and then still have a happy ending while we all suffer? What kind of cosmic justice is that??

OP posts:
Doublebubblebubble · 05/09/2015 19:50

"Fucker's setting up franchises" - Tyler Durden (fight club)

Is there no way of getting your children back now that he's out of the picture?? I presume they are in fc?? X

Original poster
Sinkingships · 05/09/2015 19:53

They are with my parents, and no, probably not. It is within the realms of possibility but very very difficult and certainly not for a good few years.

OP posts:
channingswife · 05/09/2015 19:53

I was thinking the same as doublebubble.

Also, if you had to have your children removed from your care because of his behaviour, won't social services be involved with this new baby?

LoopyLily · 05/09/2015 19:53

Where are your children and why were they removed?

LoopyLily · 05/09/2015 19:53

Sorry x posts there.

AyeAmarok · 05/09/2015 20:00

Do you live near your parents OP?

goddessofsmallthings · 05/09/2015 20:09

How old are you dc, are they in foster care and, if so, is the long term plan for them to be put up for adoption or to be returned to you?

Why were they taken into care and were you not given opportunity to separate from your ex and live with your dc as a single parent?

If your ex is the sole reason why your dc are in care, I would have thought that SS would have some concern about him fathering more dc with ow if he's not considered suitable to parent his existing dc and you may find that karma is more subtle and more effective than you currently appear to believe.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/09/2015 20:11

Your dc are with your dps? Have you posted here before about not being able to move near to your dps in order to see your dc more frequently?

Waltermittythesequel · 05/09/2015 20:14

Why were they removed and as PP said; won't ss be involved with the new baby?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/09/2015 20:18

I assume you will be ensuring that social services where he lives are aware that he is having another child?

I'm sorry you feel so upset and sorry your children don't live with you but he can't have been the sole reason they were removed. I know that's not the point of the thread and I'm sure he's a total cunt but.

MagpieCursedTea · 05/09/2015 20:22

As others have said, I'm sure SS will be involved with any future children he has.
The best thing you can do for you and your DC is work with them and SS to rebuild your lives and relationships.

IonaNE · 05/09/2015 20:27

If he was the problem, why did SS remove your children from you, op?

Birdinabin · 05/09/2015 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sinkingships · 05/09/2015 20:42

It's very long and complicated and I don't really want to go into it on here in detail. It was very traumatic for me and it's hard for me to talk about it. He was the reason they got involved and I could not get rid of the no matter how hard I tried, even though I did split with him and live as a single parent to try and improve things. Nothing worked, nothing I ever did was good enough. I'm not saying I'm perfect and there were things I could have done differntly but I 100% did not deserve to have my children removed. The reasons they gave were ridiculous but I can't go into the details as I don't want to out myself.

I assume SS where he lives will be notified and involved, afaik he is not allowed unsupervised access to our DC's so no idea what will happen with new baby.

OP posts:
Birdinabin · 05/09/2015 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sinkingships · 05/09/2015 20:49

No birds, I have had to accept that I will never have any more children. I am considering getting sterilised to make sure as I don't feel it would be fair to the children I have to start a 'new' family. I would worry they would feel replaced or rejected.

OP posts:
Tiptops · 05/09/2015 20:52

If you don't want to discuss it on here sinking would you consider getting some legal advice about having your children brought back to live with you? If the reasons for their removal were as ridiculous as you feel they were, you surely have a chance of getting them back, especially with him out the picture.

Birdinabin · 05/09/2015 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheClacksAreDown · 05/09/2015 23:47

I can see why that is upsetting. But it sounds like you're minimising your role in this. SS really don't take children away lightly if they are being adequately protected by the less problematic parent.

Ebony69 · 06/09/2015 03:40

Absolutely agree that both the OP and ex-partner would have contributed to their son being taken from them. I also think that ideally, his father should be the one to inform him of the news of his unborn sibling.

itsraininginbaltimore · 06/09/2015 04:07

I'm not saying I'm perfect and there were things I could have done differntly but I 100% did not deserve to have my children removed.

I'm sorry but that's what they all say, and that is probably what's stopping you getting them back now.

I don't believe that he alone was the reason they were removed from you. That just doesn't make sense. It's more likely that your inability/unwillingness to recognise the damage he was doing and a refusal to fully disengage from him in order to protect your children was the reason. And if you've been apart properly for quite a long time and you still are not in with a chance of getting them back any time soon then you must have shown a startlingly poor judgement somewhere along the line.

I think the longer you live in a state of denial about whatever it was on your part that meant your children were removed, the longer it will take for you to get them back. If you can't take responsibility for your own failings then SS will not feel confident that it won't happen again.

It's good that you feel you should not have more children - chances are they might be removed from you anyway if you other children are not allowed to come back to you, so the sadness is just perpetuated on all sides. Are you getting any counselling or support to help you come to terms with why/how you went wrong in the past?

ToastedOrFresh · 06/09/2015 05:54

Well said.

lunar1 · 06/09/2015 06:11

I would make sure that SS knew about the baby on the way. Is there a chance his partner doesn't know that he was partly the reason SS removed his first children?

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