ExH having another baby and I'm devastated.

[Sinkingships]

Not because I still care about him, I don't, but because it is his fault I don't have my own children.

SS sent my children to live with someone else because of trouble he started and now he gets to start a brand new family with someone else?

It's so fucking unfair.

Yes, that is exactly it fay.

Different, I don't put a man first. Sorry, but with the very few facts you have a can't see how you can come to that conclusion. You don't know me.

One, no he wasn't thank god, he did put himself forward but they said no.

Hi OP. You are asking about how to move on. The first step is to detatch yourself from him completely. Delete him and his friends from Facebook. Please don't waste any more time thinking about him. You know what a bastard he is, you can't change that. Let it go.

I agree with other posters that you wouldn't have had your children removed based solely on his actions. You need to accept this and work on your issues and show everyone you are working to get your kids back. If you agreed to your children being removed (a section 20 order) then I have to admire you for making what seemed to be the best decision at the time .

I agree that the best advice is to block him on FB, remove any linked associates too, don't get in touch with ex, don't try to facilitate any visits for him to DC. Didn't he have his chance when they stayed with him?

The University will have a very good support and counselling service. You should take advantage of that.

some of the posters on here should go work for SS. They are natural child protection social workers, adept at judgement and kangaroo court logic.

though, to be fair, of course not all CPSW's are idiots with a vendetta - but just one is enough. And there are a few.

I believe you OP. But you're not going to get support. Lost your kids? YOUR fault - apparently. You put your knickers on inside out one day and, as anyone knows, that is grounds for having your children taken away. They decide on it way back and jig everything around to fit.

You're doing the right thing - well done. Don't post on here, find places to post where others know what you're going through as you will only get judgement and suspicion in general society/no smoke without fire etc.

As for the turd and the poor cow who is up the duff: I doubt SS aren't going to notice what's going on there.

Keep going, lovely

(and get the thread deleted. You're not going to get sensible support, just people sniffing around pronouncing.)

Who'd be a social worker eh?

They are branded as either power crazed bullies, monsters, or mentally defective idiots.

Of course they don't always get it right and will be too heavy handed occasionally but they if they give someone the benefit of the doubt and it all goes spectacularly wrong then they are hung drawn and quartered and have their head put on a stick in the town square.

It's better to go through court as a parent than make an informal agreement. Magistrates and judges do not let social workers get away with anything especially shoddy or judgemental practice. We have to evidence everything and silly things like the OP has described are not evidence. It ensures that parents are legally represented and that their rights are respected.

Yes that's right Springdaffs, Social Workers take kids into care for no reason whatsoever EVERY DAY and everyone is a great parent. .

Meanwhile back in the real world...

I've worked closely in my career (MH) with SS and have never been part of a case where children were removed without good cause. And I know for a fact that in most cases, the parents have a very different story which isn't reflective of the real reasons. Because we all have our own take on things and of course people aren't going to say 'they were right'.

But I also have to understand that SS do get it wrong sometimes. Because they're human. Just because I haven't seen it in my career doesn't mean it never happens.

But what I have seen repeatedly is the idea that saying you can't cope, that your issues outweigh your ability to parent, or you're not a great parent at this time (or even in the future) or that you just don't feel able to do it or (God forbid you ever say) that you don't want your children to live with you is completely unacceptable to most people.

I'm not saying this applies to the OP but some of the responses on this thread back up that judgement. Why can't you do x or y? Surely you're prioritising x? You're not trying hard enough. If it was my kids I'd move heaven and earth etc'

I've gone through family court proceedings with families that know they could never parent well or keep their kids safe/healthy but they feel like they have to fight the system because SS taking my kids is a socially acceptable explanation. I was inadequate, couldn't cope or didn't want to do it isn't. You will be judged and vilified.

And again, not saying this is the OP but SS stole my children is a more acceptable explanation for a lot of people.

And not because they don't love their kids or care for them but because admitting they can't do it or don't want to is the worst possible thing a parent could say.

But that is the case for some people and I'd rather they railed against an unjust system while their kids are somewhere else than try to make a point and it all go tits up again. And I've seen that happen too - and it's always the kids that suffer.

SinkingShips, I do feel sorry for you, it must feel awful.

If you would like to explore the option of trying to get your kids back then I'm fairly sure you would get legal aid. A friend of mine is currently battling SS about her kids and it's non means tested legal aid for her all the way. Which I think is standard.

But if you feel they're settled with your parents I can understand why you might not.

Icould, I am constantly afraid in RL of being judged by people, especially people who have never had to experience half of what I have, people who have no idea what it's like. Especially as a woman. ExH strolled off and abandoned his kids as so many other men do and not only is he not vilified and ostracised but he has friends and a new partner who is willing to have another baby with him. I find it very difficult to make friends as every friendship is either based on lies because I can't be honest with them for fear of rejection, or I have to tell them and take the risk that they will never speak to me again.

I admit that I needed help with the DC's, not because I couldn't cope but because I am only one person and even single parents need some practical, physical help and respite every now and again, it takes a village and all that. I did ask SS for this help but they refused every single time. Like the example where they asked me to attend a course but it was on at the same time I needed to pick the DC's up from school. I couldn't physically be in two places at once.

Like I said, I could fight them right now but I don't feel that would be in anyone's best interest. Even if I proved my point and 'won' against SS, I still have unresolved MH issues and to uproot the DC's when they are settled and happy would be selfish of me.

Obsidian, I did have a solicitor when we went to court but he didn't do much, even though he said he felt that they had no good reason to remove the DC's, he did not challenge any of the inaccuracies in their reports. The time I went to court I was not allowed to speak.

Springy, thank you for understanding. A huge part of the SS reports and their reasons for doing what they did were either opinions, inaccurate or outright untrue. I mentioned the mistakes at every single meeting but not once were the reports ever amended or corrected. By the way things went I now strongly suspect that had decided a long time before it went to court that that is what they were intending. I had one person who got involved right at the beginning of the case tell me that he would do everything he could to make sure they were removed.

I don't believe, like some people do, that there is some big conspiracy and all the judges and SW are being bribed or corrupt, or that there are targets that SW's have to hit and so they take children to reach them. I don't believe that but I do believe that they make mistakes and I think that is what happened in my case. I believe my SW may have still been in training as she mentioned not being contactable on x,y,z dates due to being at uni. This may or may not have been a factor.

Thank you to all those who have listened without judgement and given advise. I think you are right and I need to take a big step back and try to let it go. I think Unfortunately there are still a lot of pent up feelings surrounding my ex and it was a big shock to learn this news but it is ultimately none of my business and not a thing I do is going to make a difference to it so I just have to make the best of the situation and support ds if he needs or wants to talk about it. That is all I can do. I have begun the process of changing my married name and I am starting to feel better already. As much as I am really loathe to spend what little savings I have I think I am going to delve into it and get my divorce done and just cut ties with him once and for all.

Icould, I am constantly afraid in RL of being judged by people, especially people who have never had to experience half of what I have, people who have no idea what it's like. Especially as a woman. ExH strolled off and abandoned his kids as so many other men do and not only is he not vilified and ostracised but he has friends and a new partner who is willing to have another baby with him. I find it very difficult to make friends as every friendship is either based on lies because I can't be honest with them for fear of rejection, or I have to tell them and take the risk that they will never speak to me again.

Yep, it stinks.

But you will meet wise people and people who've experienced some knocks in life who have a more rounded awareness. Those are the people you NEED in your life, TBH.

They're a bit thinner on the ground, but they do exist. Recognising them is the real issue.

(Great post Springydaffs, BTW)

Very good post Icouldbesogood. I agree with every word.

Op I also feel for you and have no idea why people keep telling you to fight for your children/challenge the courts etc. Even though you feel there has been an injustice, I think you are doing the right thing for your dc now.

OP. I didn't want to derail your thread by bringing gender into this but you're right, we live in a society which accepts that Dads can walk away and have limited contact through their own choosing even without SS involvement.

But a woman? We have different expectations and judge Mothers far more and in a more negative way than we judge Dads.

You say you have unresolved MH issues and it would be selfish to try to get your children back with you. I think that's honest and insightful.

People will always judge you because of that - you will never get away from that. But I would judge you more if you brought them home and you weren't able or willing to be the parent they need or deserve.

When a woman puts a newborn baby into foster care or up for adoption we usually think it's noble or selfless. We usually think she's thought it through and gone against her Maternal instincts to make a decision in that child's best interests.

When it's an older child we usually think the Mother is feckless, lazy, abusive, neglectful or selfish.

Sometimes admitting your child/ren who you love just as much as other Mothers do is better off living with someone else is the most loving and insightful thing you can do.

I'm not surprised you have MH issues with what you've been through