ExH having another baby and I'm devastated.

[Sinkingships]

Not because I still care about him, I don't, but because it is his fault I don't have my own children.

SS sent my children to live with someone else because of trouble he started and now he gets to start a brand new family with someone else?

It's so fucking unfair.

Op there is no such thing as can't.

SS removed your children for a reason, but it is evident that you are in denial about the part you've played in that reason.

If you genuinely care about your children's welfare you would either fight tooth and nail to get them back, including getting professional help for whatever it is which means your children are not safe living with you, or acknowledge that you are for whatever reason not fit to look after them.

You are blaming everyone else for your situation and not taking responsibility for any of it. Can't do the course because it's too far away, can't help having to move three hours away from your children, xh was the reason they were removed, even though he wasn't living there.

Stop blaming everyone else for your issues, start taking responsibility for things, yourself, and concentrate on your own children rather than concerning yourself with xh's.

I am ebony. As much as it breaks my heart not being with them I know that to take them back now would be selfish because it would be about what I want and not what they need. As much as I hate to admit it, in a way them living with my parents has been a help, they have had access to services and financial aid that I have never and would never have been offered as 'just' the parent. It makes me sick that that is how the system works but in the situation we are in now they are entitled to the maximum amount of help, respite, whatever that is available. It makes me so sad that this is what it had to come to to get the help we needed. I was talking to df the other day and he said it boggles his mind that they (my parents) can basically click their fingers and everything is done instantly and yet I had to fight for months and got nowhere. It isn't fair.

As for chaining myself to railings, I could do that but what would that prove? It would 'prove' SS right, it would 'prove' that I was unhinged and unstable and that they were 'right' to remove them and it would ruin my chances of ever getting them back. I feel it's better to lay low for a while, get qualified so I can get a decent job and be able to pay for my own respite, get a decent place to live, get my ptsd and depression sorted so I am sound and mentally stable and then apply to court. I want to wait until there are absolutely no chinks in my armour, absolutely nothing they can use against me to say no. Other wise it's just heartbreak all over again for all of us.

And I suspect people around the op are telling her to move on because they know more about the situation and agree with the outcome.

No they don't wannabe, in fact all the people that know me, the DC's and the situation, have all said it is an absolute tragedy and a travesty of justice that should never have happened.

Thanks for the input but I'm just going to ignore your post wannabe because it's clear you haven't listened to what I have said, or you have misinterpreted what I've said to fit your own prejudice.

Even though I am obviously scum to you, as I've had SS involvement, I am still allowed to be upset about things that my ex does, especially when it affects our children.

I remember your other thread. I think you will have a tough time convincing your boys in the future that you haven't put your own wishes before their best interests. You seem to have transport problems, How often do you plan on seeing them while you do your degree course? You say that you want to get qualified, get a job and place to live before trying to get them back, that could take 4 years. Your kids are going to be approaching teen years by then and frankly might tell you to butt out of their lives.

The fact that your ex has got another woman pregnant is bad news but it's not your problem. you say that SS are aware of the relationship so it's likely they will be involved in the life of the new baby. He is barely involved in your boys life now so maybe it's best it stays that way?

Christ! If I were the OP I'd be curled up in a ball by now, protecting myself from some of the verbal assaults on this thread.

And most of the responses are not even to the OP's post but a judgement on her circumstances (which we know next to nothing about).

Agree Ovenships.

Some nasty and shallow bits of work on here this morning.

OP, I think you are incredibly strong and definitely on the right track. Despite all the awful things that have happened keep striving for a better future for you all. It must be so hard for you, but you can turn this around in time.

Good luck x

I don't think people are being shallow. Opposite in fact.

Also I haven't seen any verbal assaults. Oven chips you can report if you see any as this isn't allowed on mumsnet..

I don't think people are being shallow.

I do.

It sounds to me like you're being very selfless, OP. I hope it all works out for you and your kids, and that you can look back at this time as a temporary nightmare that you battled through, and came out the other side stronger than ever.

shallow would mean not caring surely? Not lookng below the surface? Some people have gone to the lengths of reading posters history, looking things up on the Internet etc.

The OP has been questioned about her circumstances and given views and advice. Not everyone has just accepted on face value what has been posted.

Legal aid is always available in care proceedings and the local authority would have made that very clear to the OP at the time. The courts would not hear the case if the mother was not represented unless she had made it clear she didn't want to be or was not able to be found.
I'm sorry for you OP and it's a harsh and painful reality you're living. What assessments were done of you? Again, care proceedings won't be heard without parents being assessed by experts and that would have far more evidence than bottles of calpol left out.

Shallow would be saying "what a bastard. Of course it was all his fault."

Reality is, if the children were removed because of the h, this one will be too, and probably even placed for adoption. In which case no-one need tell the older dc anything until they are mature enough to process it.

Yes of course it is selfish to have more children if existing ones are in care, but we don't know the circumstances here. It could easily have been a contraceptive failure...

Look, you don't have to answer this obviously, but I am dying to know because I am at a loss to understand any of what's gone on to lead up to your children being removed - why were they taken to live with your parents?

By your own admission the DV between you and your ex was a long, long time ago and it doesn't seem to be the reason why SS removed your children in recent months anyway.

He's been gone two years. He is apparently the only reason SS were crawling all over you in the first place.

You may have some PTSD relating to things in your past and you need to get support for that but you say you have never been seriously mentally ill to the point where you could not look after your children.

Yet they were taken from you a matter of months ago. And SS are saying there is no sign of improvement or change in the situation at the moment.

By all means tell me to mind my own business but I just don't get it. At all.

And back to the original question/subject of your OP, of course you weren't asking how to get your children back and of course you don't have to justify why they aren't with you in the first place or divulge your whole backstory, but given you said it was 'all his fault' that you lost them in the first place and then you tell us he's having another child, naturally the obvious questions will be asked. We can't possibly just ignore the obvious and respond to the OP with anything meaningful without touching on why you find yourself at this point.

If he did anything monumentally terrible then SS will already be on the case with his new partner (as you have already said they are) and she may yet not get to keep that child unless she is prepared to sacrifice her relationship with him, so they don't necessarily get the happy ending that you are being denied.

And as someone upthread pointed out, he may have held his hands up to his past mistakes and jumped through all the right hoops to demonstrate to SS and HCPs etc that he is committed to working towards being a better partner and a better father in future.

Have SS told you you are not to move nearer to your children, and are your visits supervised as a condition of your access to them?

And when I say why were they taken, I don't mean the list of ten apparently ridiculous things that included Calpol, I mean what did your ex do that triggered SS intervention in the first place?

The OP didn't ask about how to get her kids back, and I think the most sensible analysis I have read is her own... I feel it's better to lay low for a while, get qualified so I can get a decent job and be able to pay for my own respite, get a decent place to live, get my ptsd and depression sorted so I am sound and mentally stable and then apply to court.

She has asked about how to deal with the understandable feelings about her ex having a new baby and you've all turned it into a witch hunt about what a bad mother she is. That's not nice.

No-one has called her a bad mother. They have suggested she isn't being entirely honest with herself or others about what has gone on.

Sometimes it isn't about finding fault, or someone to blame, or because anyone has done anything wrong, it's just about making sure the children are safe and sufficiently cared for while the parent/s work through some problems that may be entirely outside of their control - MH issues for example. Children are removed by SS every week because of situations where there is no villain, no blame, just serious levels of concern.

I don't think it's possible or even remotely useful to just say 'there there, poor you, your ex sounds like an arse, he'll get his comeuppance etc, etc' and do a bit of virtual hand patting.

Sorry, but if my children were taken away from me by SS I couldn't accept that it would take me a few years to get them back, and I would be fighting the system like mad RELENTLESSLY to get them home, especially if I believed the reason they were taken was because of the behaviour of my ex partner.

Op, you seem more concerned about the new bloody baby coming into the world (and it being a girl) than you are about how your ex will treat the baby, and how your children must be coping being without you, their mum.

Wow, do any of you have any idea of anything factual in the op's case? Has she shown any of you any of her paperwork or anything like that?

Thought not.

Clearly her posts are her understanding of what is happening, it is not unusual for people (even articulate sensible ones) to feel like they are fighting against a tide with no life jacket when they are in this situation.nor is it unusual to have little understanding about why (often that is part of the problem) There is no need to be so hostile.

[struggling to understand why you are adamant that you can't move to be nearer to your children. If your parents really felt there were no safeguarding issues with you, or serious problems with your MH I am sure they would move heaven and earth to help you resettle closer to all of them

I have not seen any of the op's other threads but it is not unusual when children are placed in family care for a condition to be that the carer must limit their relationship with the parent. It is not up to the family member to make that decision it is down to the local authority. It is quite likely that should the op move closer then the LA will apply to the courts to move the children from the family.

I believe you OP.

Thank you hatty.

-Sorry, but if my children were taken away from me by SS I couldn't accept that it would take me a few years to get them back, and I would be fighting the system like mad RELENTLESSLY to get them home-

And this just might be the reason you don't get them back. Relentlessly pursuing the subject would make you appear unstable and they would not look favourably upon it, at least not the SW's I had dealings with.

-Op, you seem more concerned about the new bloody baby coming into the world (and it being a girl) than you are about how your ex will treat the baby, and how your children must be coping being without you, their mum-

It isn't really my concern how he treats his baby, it is his. Obviously I would hope that he has changed enough to be a proper father to this baby but sadly I'm not sure he will. That is out of my control though, I have to hope that SS in his area will do their jobs and keep and eye on him which I'm sure they will.

I don't mean to be rude but please don't dare ever insinuate that I don't care about my children or how they cope. The main reason I am upset about this new baby is because of how I feel it will affect them. I think of little else other than them and how they are feeling and coping without me. I worry for their future and I hope that our relationship will stay strong as they grow older. Don't presume to think you understand how I feel after reading one thread on the Internet.

Well said SinkingShips and I wish you all the very best.

Cant you move in with your parents and the children? Would SS allow that?