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Original poster

OD at 42; but where are all the 42 year old men?

130 replies

PattyCakes · 31/08/2015 11:27

Busy looking at the profiles of 32 year old women, apparently....

Ok, so I'm one year on from exiting a 16 year relationship and ready to get back into dating. I'm a well-preserved 42. My experience of OD so far has been to attract nudges,winks, whatever from men well into their 50s.

Why do men seem to want/expect women a decade younger than them? I just want to meet men around my own age Confused

I don't think it's a good idea to lie about anything when OD, but I really am tempted to fib about my age as I just feel invisible saying I'm over 40!

Any thoughts, or experiences to share? I am about to give up!

Thanks

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 31/08/2015 11:29

Set your profile age to 39 and watch the messages roll in. Depressing, but effective.

ForalltheSaints · 31/08/2015 11:45

Looking at 32 year olds- not if the age range the separated/divorced men of 42 or so I know are anything to go by.

LoveAGoodRummage · 31/08/2015 11:45

I've asked my DP who is 40, what his age range would be. He said 25 to 33 because he has no children, wants one/some and would want sufficient time to be in a relationship before doing this.

My ex is OD and is 39. He does not want any more children and is generally avoiding anyone younger than about 35. Like you, he gets a lot of interest from over 50s.

Casting my eye over my friends and colleagues, the majority of late 30s/early 40s are married or in LTRs so as a demographic, I'm wondering if there are statistically less single people? I could be talking utter crap of course Grin

SomeonesRealName · 31/08/2015 11:48

I know it sucks doesn't it. I'm under 40, reasonably attractive, good job, etc but I still only get interest from men who are 50 and older. I have tried dating some of them but I just felt that we were a generation apart and had nothing in common. My parents were incredibly uncomfortable with the age gap as well. All the guys profiles say they are looking for women 25-35, even though they are in their forties.

Coolforthesummer · 31/08/2015 11:50

Wait till you're over 50. I am forever saying, sorry you're too young for me.

SomeonesRealName · 31/08/2015 11:52

Oh god yes there are the 23 year olds who presumably have this fantasy that we are all nyphomaniac MILFs straight out of an XXXX porn film.

educationforlife · 31/08/2015 11:59

Don't I know it - there are no men my age (55) looking for women their own age. They are looking for 35-year-olds, too.
I once went through GSM eliminating those setting their top age at 40 (or saying they might want children, which comes to the same thing) - didn't even eliminate clear weirdos. Went from over 300 to around 20. :(

patienceisvirtuous · 31/08/2015 12:00

I would change your profile age to 38. They are being shallow and deluded wanting women 25-35, you can stretch the truth a little.

Although I'm not sure how appealing a 40+ man advertising for a 25 yo will be...

beaglesaresweet · 31/08/2015 12:06

yep, Cool. Lots of younger men go for 50+ women! mind you, not all after an ltr (understatement).

MARTIN1 · 31/08/2015 12:09

When dating, my rule of thumb is 7 years below, 7 years above

ThisIsFolkGirl · 31/08/2015 12:19

My rule of thumb is 5 above. That's it. Not sure I'd consider going younger. I assume they're all looking for younger as preferable and older as a novelty.

I'm single. Can't see it changing.

Trills · 31/08/2015 12:24

Don't lie.

If you meet someone you really like and they find out that you lied, that could ruin it.

And are you really likely to meet someone you "really like" if you know in your head that this person would not have been interested in you if they knew your real age?

Original poster
PattyCakes · 31/08/2015 12:25

Thanks for your responses.

I totally understand men who want children having a younger woman in mind, but many of the men already have kids and still want younger women.

I totally agree that I'd have more luck at '38' with the same pictures, but wouldn't that be starting off on the wrong foot? At some point I'd have to say er... about the whole 38 thing...or worse, celebrate my '40th' (again).

OP posts:
Original poster
PattyCakes · 31/08/2015 12:38

Well exactly trills

I'm not sure that the man wouldn't be interested, though, if he knew my real age. One of my issues with all this is that men have a preconceived idea of what a 42 year old would be like and they rule them out!

I did actually put my age as 37 for a short time and - guess what - matched with a 42 year old man. I 'confessed' first coffee we had and he was very relaxed about it. By then he was sitting opposite me and knew 'what he was getting' so to speak (sounds awful, sorry). It didn't work out, but not because of the age thing.

That said, I couldn't be bothered with the stress of worry when to tell them and decided to just be honest in future. Que tumble weed bowling along deserted landscape....

OP posts:
DadWasHere · 31/08/2015 13:53

Oh god yes there are the 23 year olds who presumably have this fantasy that we are all nyphomaniac MILFs straight out of an XXXX porn film.

I dated older women when I was in my 20's and lived with an older partner for several years. My experience was that after you separated out the 'oh you are a naughty boy aren't you' and 'show you off like a prize' types what you had left were mostly everyday women who could only ever really 'be themselves' removed from the sphere of everyone else they knew in their life. I was a dirty little secret, not really because that’s how they saw me but because others would only think in negative terms about the relationship and they did not have the resilience to deal with that. Perhaps things have changed since then, it was decades ago.

Anyway, while your judgement is probably accurate about what younger guys want, inasmuch as they probably want sex more than to serenade with a lute or go for long walks in the park feeding ducks, perhaps they are of a mind to consider your orgasm as important as their own?

UrbaneFox · 31/08/2015 13:56

I've been wondering about this. I'm 45! So I won't get away with saying I'm 39.

But although all men who use on line dating will attempt to get a much younger woman, do they 'get' what they want? Of the women who'd met a partner on line, how many of them settled for a man older than they would have liked. And please if you're with an older man and you're deliriously happy, good for you but I'm struggling with the idea that it is men of fifty five looking at my profile. Probably 55 plus!! That is not for me.

UrbaneFox · 31/08/2015 13:59

In real life, I feel like I am healthy and don't look older than 45. I just can quite get behind settling for a man a decade + older than me because that's all that's out there. So I've set my settings from 41 to 50 and I think that's broad enough. I keep getting messages suggesting I broaden my criteria but really, I'd rather narrow them if anything. If I only hear from one person who likes my profile once a month, that's better than 100 guys who think that old birds will shag anybody out of loneliness.

educationforlife · 31/08/2015 14:01

But the don't want children - of course they don't - they just don't want to rule out all the young women they think they 'deserve'

educationforlife · 31/08/2015 14:18

and what is more (rant alert) research into OLD (don't you love the acronym?) suggests that the older they get the younger the women men are looking for - so that, although they 'say' they are looking for 35 when they are 55, the profiles they click on suggest that they are looking for women 10 years younger than that.
Rant over

BobbinThreadbare · 31/08/2015 14:31

I started OD after my marriage broke up. I was 30. I mainly got interest from men 12-20 years older than me. I don't want children. I had very little interest from men in my age bracket i.e. 27-33 ish. I did go out with a man 18 years older for a while, but it didn't work out, mainly for reasons other than age, actually.

My mum tried it, very briefly, when she was about 45 (few years ago). No contact from anyone under 60. Quite sad really, as it completely put her off any sort of dating and she has been on her own for 15 years now.

Luckily, I met my OH on OD (he is nearly 5 years older) and we're getting married next year.

LoveAGoodRummage · 31/08/2015 14:45

Looking at rather than for I imagine, educationforlife

Trills · 31/08/2015 14:46

If you like graphs here's the research that educationforlife was referring to.

Twinklestein · 31/08/2015 14:53

What middle aged men want and what they get are not the same thing.

They specify they want a younger women, and are then surprised when they don't get any interest.

Original poster
PattyCakes · 31/08/2015 14:59

Urbane I totally agree. I found it depressing to look at who had viewed my profile and see that it was all 50 plus men. I have nothing against 50 plus men, but I am not actively looking for one anymore than I am looking for a 30 year old. Shared cultural references are really important to me and I wouldn't have that with a 50 year old or a 30 year old.

education sadly agree with you too: seems like the older they are the worse they become in terms of wanting a newer model. Men over 40 seem to become a bit insecure themselves feeling old and perhaps want a younger woman to validate them.

bobbin I thought it was being over 40 that was the problem! Clearly it runs deeper than that!

I also wonder whether, on some level, men of that age have half an eye on having someone to look after them in their old age and want someone younger because of that, perhaps?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 31/08/2015 14:59

To give it from the other side - a male friend of mine did OD when he was around 40. He badly wanted children so I told him to go for women who were younger & thus less likely to have fertility issues. But he found that he couldn't contact women in the relevant age-bracket, because they'd all set their maximum ages below his.

He wasn't actually fussed on age, in fact he specifically didn't want someone much younger than him because he'd bad experience of a previous younger gf.

I don't think women in general really want older partners...

There are some women who go for an older man, but they're the minority. And usually there's some pay off - money, status, talent, fame.