OD at 42; but where are all the 42 year old men?

[PattyCakes]

Busy looking at the profiles of 32 year old women, apparently....

Ok, so I'm one year on from exiting a 16 year relationship and ready to get back into dating. I'm a well-preserved 42. My experience of OD so far has been to attract nudges,winks, whatever from men well into their 50s.

Why do men seem to want/expect women a decade younger than them? I just want to meet men around my own age

I don't think it's a good idea to lie about anything when OD, but I really am tempted to fib about my age as I just feel invisible saying I'm over 40!

Any thoughts, or experiences to share? I am about to give up!

Thanks

I;m not on tinder. That seems a step too far.

What happens if you swipe right to somebody. Do they come up to you? Or do you just know that you live near each other? It's shows people who live near you right? That would be good. I feel like the site I'm on lumps people in about ten counties all together.

One of the things I hated most about OLD is the age bracket thing. In the 5 years + since my divorce, I've met much younger women, much older women, and women around the +/- 2 year gap. I'm currently 47, and have just started dating a lady who is 48 ( assuming she isn't lying, but I wouldn't really care, as we get along well ).

I have a very young outlook on life. I enjoy fun stuff, them parks, pubs, clubbing, festivals etc... I am a big kid despite being an independent, professional, solvent old fart... I can't really see myself with someone "who likes to potter around the garden" ( yes, ladies put that on profiles too, and why shouldn't they if that's what they enjoy )...

The youngest women I have dated was 17 years younger ( met her the old fashioned way, by accident in a bar), and the oldest was 10 years older. I would probably still be with the younger woman if she hadn't had to move back home to Finland. She was much more mature than her age suggested, and we had a lot of things in common.

I think common outlooks and attitudes ( not forgetting attitudes to sex ) that make for a good relationship IMO, not an age bracket. Both men AND women should remember that. Sadly, OLD doesn't really do anything but emphasise age. On the day I turned 47, I obviously hit a new threshold on Match and suddenly started getting contacts from 55+ year old women, whereas the day before I hadn't.

That said, I know exactly what I'm looking for in a partner, so I am pretty picky... I just try not to limit myself on a number.

Be yourself. Not your age.

RLD

MorrisZap you put one of each! One where you look fabulous/dressed up and another with no makeup/plain clothes, but look really happy.

I'm not looking at the moment, but I've always gone for photos which reflect accurately what I would look like on a date. I'm very big so always include a full body shot (weeds out the people who don't like fatties, but unfortunately attracts neggers .) Main profile pic would just be a recent face photo

Morris, interesting dilemma with the photos. I put realistic (but flattering) ones up as I can't bear the thought of turning up to a date and him thinking I look nothing like my photos. The guy I met for a coffee said he walked off another date after 5 mins after giving to poor lady an earful about the fact that her photos were ten years old and she'd put on a ton of of weight since then!

As you can imagine, he was a keeper

Yes, but on a dating site, you get no choice but to be your age. I think I'm not turning up in the searches of men who I would date. I get that age is just a number but I feel physically turned off by men more than a decade older than I am. I put it down to my parents having had me very young. Literally, anything more than ten years and I file them under 'parental' which is not going to work (sexually) Can't help it. So I think, just to be sensible and not waste my time and other people's it's better to put my age bracket for four below and 6 older? that's still a decade wide age span! And I've said smoking - don't care! kids - don't care, education - don't care, income level - don't care! But the one thing I do care about is that 'he' whoever he is (or is not!!) not be ancient.

Pocketsaviour, I've heard of negging. I'd spot it luckily but there were seminars teaching men HOW TO NEG. God that's so evil.

Wow Pattycakes, he sounds lovely!

I remember years ago meeting two guys on the tube with my flatmate. One of them said to her that she was the prettier one. I remember feeling that he was clearly a piece of shit and if she wanted to talk to him she could and I got up and sat apart from them. Later my flatmate gave out to me!! It wasn't that I was pissed off I was "less pretty", I knew that. I was annoyed at her that she'd allowed herself to be so flattered by a dickhead telling her what we both knew anyway that she'd chat with a man who'd just been very rude to me and entered us both in to a competition we didn't enter. really fucked me off that and I remembered it for years. I don't think negging would work on me. My confidence isn't sky high but I'd recognise a pointless insult when I heard it!

Urbane, don't feel like you have to justify your personal choice ! We all have things we look for, so if age is one of them, then it just is. I'm just giving my perspective. We go into OLD trying to find the right person for us, and we all have different definition of ideal ;-).

RLD.

I know that!

I'm not sure I'm genuinely expecting to find somebody on line. I think unless I settle for men over a decade older, then there are too few 'candidates'. I think, what will happen is, it will steel me and I'll find the courage to behave more bravely in real life.

pocketsaviour this, I think, is the best take on negging: xkcd.com/1027/

Also, just to clarify, I would hardly say it's an expectation to want a man roughly your own age! It's an expectation to want somebody much younger!

ha ha! love it, ''are we negging, ok, my go!"

If your not getting any success OLD, your pics and or profile need some work.. I met my wife online and she is quite a few yrs younger than me, there was chemistry/ attraction when I first picked her up and we married and we've been together ever since..
I was in my mid thirties at the time, I had a specific list of type and what I wanted and that's what I got, no kids, a decent job, no exes hanging around, clean and not too uptight with a non sensitive sense of humour and of course similar values and goals, oh and a meme/ wine glass foto free Facebook..

I guess it all boils down to what a 45+ person is expecting from a relationship.

• Kids?
• Sex?
• Financial security?
• Company?

Most people over 40 tend to have so much baggage that a relationship is going to be much more hardwork than when they were in their 20s.

Negging might work if you're David Blaine or some flashy guy with nice dental work, but for most of us men it'll probably end up with a well timed slap.

Like another poster I am mostly happily married, but facinated by the whole OLD thing. If I was ever single again I would want a pure uncomplicated relationship (companionship, good times and sex basically) no financial entanglements, no long term comitmant and definately no dcs. That seems pretty straightforward to me.

I met my DP OLD four years ago. He was riding an ice cream vendors bicycle in his profile pic and showed off his old Landrover Defender. He is 2 years older than me (53 then) and was very wary of women much younger as he has teenage DC and didn't want to go back to the primary school stage. He reckoned someone with DC of similar age and similar cultural references would work best. We share our taste in music, films and ridiculous TV shows from our generation. Someone much younger wouldnt have heard of or seen these. Also he didn't think a young woman would want an old codger like him whereas I think he is a sex god

Don't despair OP and don't lie. The right man won't be put off by the truth.

It seems straightforward but boy, is it hard to find!!

My friend just read my profile and she gave out to me for some of what i'd written. For appearance I'd written "healthy I hope, well I eat enough broccoli. Red hair, green eyes, pale skin and on the attractive side of average". She was shaking her head at that. I've to go back over a few answers now and change them. Her feedback was interesting.

I like this

"My friends say I've got intimacy issues, but they don't really know me". I'd love to put that in for the joke. But who'd get it?

frankb If your not getting any success OLD, your pics and or profile need some work..

Sorry, but no. There nothing wrong with me, my pics or profile. The point is that women like me often just don't come up on the searches of many men because they exclude women over 40, or whatever. We can work on our profiles all we like but they just won't see it.

That said, I am encouraged by many of the positive posts on here and will continue. Could I ask what sites people recommend? I only use Tinder now, just because it is impossible to be 'looked at' or nudged etc by anyone you have not liked yourself, so the annoying winks from 59 year old have gone! But I am not sure how many more pictures of men posing with dead fish I swipe through....

I'm happy with my profile etc as I have had plenty of approaches and 'what a lovely profile!!!' messages from men, just not from, as you put it, desirables, my main bug bear being that they are generally way older than me.

I am nearly 50 and get lots of attention from men aged 19 -55, lots in the their 40's. Not saying they are all lovely but quite a few worth looking at.. There is hope, what sites do you use OP?