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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Never thought Id be here - heartbroken

129 replies

OhHolyFuck · 27/07/2015 07:23

Last night DP told me he doesn't love me anymore and is leaving - we're due to get married in 6 weeks and Im 18 weeks pregnant with DC3. We've been together 7 years. I've spent the night at my best friends crying and on my way home now - tell me what to do? Tell me it gets easier or at least stops physically hurting? I love him but he doesn't want me, my narc mother is going to bloody love this. Im so so sad and lost, how do I stop myself begging him not to do it? I know I sound pathetic... I so wanted my children to have parents together though

OP posts:

SkatesMcgee · 27/07/2015 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happystory · 27/07/2015 07:46

You poor thing. Right now, you need to surround yourself with (supportive) family and friends. Your mother must be kept at arm's length. Pregnant and with two small children, you need lots of help and love around you. It will get easier, but it will take time.

Charlie97 · 27/07/2015 07:54

I've no practical help to offer, but wanted to give you a ((hug)).

But as PP has posted make sure your mother is kept at arms length.

Inexperiencedchick · 27/07/2015 07:55

gelwax · 27/07/2015 07:59

Oh gosh, how awful for you. I'm so so sorry. He might not want to be with you, but make sure he looks after the two DC you already have as much as possible: you're pregnant and vulnerable and he'd better fucking pull his weight. I've no idea how he can do this to you, but you will definitely recover in time. As much as it's agonising now, you won't spend the rest of your life miserable. Honestly. Well done for starting to accessing some RL support from your friend. Keep doing that and don't be afraid to tell your mum to STFU. Best wishes.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/07/2015 08:03

Very very very sorry to read this, and even worse that it's 6w before your wedding, how awful! :(

But yes, it doesn't stop him being your children's father, so he has to take responsibility there.

And sadly, I suspect he has another woman - under these circs, it's the most likely reason that he's leaving now. My fiancé left me 3m prior to our wedding, apparently because he "wasn't sure" and wanted to "postpone the wedding" - bollocks. He'd met someone else and he moved straight in with her. Nice. Lucky escape for me, as it turned out, but GOD it hurt at the time!

dollius · 27/07/2015 08:30

Has he given any reason at all for this sudden turnaround?

Goodbyemylove · 27/07/2015 08:32

Oh and let him do all the cancelling and telling people the wedding is off.

Minime85 · 27/07/2015 08:46

So sorry. It does get better I promise. Time does heal and help enormously. You will get through it xx

Mouldypineapple · 27/07/2015 08:56

Thinking practical.. If you cancel the wedding now you should only lose deposits rather than all your money..

When I was 23 I was due to get married. We had a 5 year old dd. 3 months before the wedding he said out of the blue "I don't think I can go through with this" Totally didn't see it coming! Anyway we faffed about for a few weeks trying to work out what to do, he moved out, then I said if you don't know now then clearly the answer is no! Cancelled everything at the 6 week before point and luckily didn't lose too much money.
I did later find out he had someone else too although he always denied being with her when we were together but his Mum told me otherwise!!

Not sure if this helps you at all but I can empathise. Cancel the wedding now, and take it from there. Then you can spend time having all the discussions you need to work out what's next.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/07/2015 11:27

And no to what Goodbye said - because if he has got a new woman, he won't bother his arse about doing it and you'll lose the money - you need to do it yourself.

From experience, most people are really lovely about it and may even refund your deposit out of sympathy - not all though. The venue was the rudest, IME, especially as they were the most likely to be able to sell the day on again, they just didn't care at all. But everyone else was nice!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/07/2015 11:29

Sorry, posted too soon - you can delegate the telling people to him though, but even that might not work.

In my case, one of my ex's best friends from school ended up phoning me a few weeks prior to the wedding date, because he had been expecting an invitation, and arseface hadn't bothered to let him know it was all off - so we had an utterly mortifying phone conversation on both sides as I explained the situation :(

Original poster

OhHolyFuck · 27/07/2015 13:43

I just can't follow a train of thought and my face is wet all the time and I realise I'm crying.
I have to explain to my four year old the wedding is off, the family holiday we had booked he's also pulled out of and his daddy is moving out.
48 hours ago I had a lovely little family with great plans for the future, we were a team. Now I'm broken

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/07/2015 13:48

Do you have any other family than your mother, or friends you can call/rely on? You need someone with you, to help you through the shock. (((hugs)))

lifebeginsat42 · 27/07/2015 13:59

You poor thing. I am so sorry. This must have come as such a dreadful shock.

You don't need to do anything right now except make sure you and the kids and fed and looked after. Everything else can wait until you've had time to absorb this a bit.

Take comfort from your children. Little ones give the best hugs.

Original poster

OhHolyFuck · 27/07/2015 14:00

No, family are all pretty shit. Some friends but they're a while away and at work/I have work so just going seeing them isn't really an option.
I have to keep remembering to breathe. I thought we were in this together, you know? Now I'm so utterly alone

OP posts:

Coooeee · 27/07/2015 14:03

Ohholy - sending you lots of hugs. First of all go switch the kettle on and make yourself a cuppa and get the biscuit tin out (your baba needs food and biscuits are better than nothing and I bet you haven't eaten yet today). Then sit on sofa and put CBeebies on to entertain kids - dole out ipad to them if appropriate. Now get you phone out and phone mum/sister/best mate and ask for them to come round/take kids out.... Whatever you feel you need.

If you can't do that then just make the cuppa and grab biscuit tin and come back on here for support.

I have been in a similar situation and just collected my wedding dress half an hour ago so have been in floods of tears since so we can cry together.....

Coooeee · 27/07/2015 14:06

Opps cross posts - hugs xxxx

Original poster

OhHolyFuck · 27/07/2015 14:12

No, I haven't eaten. The thought makes me retch tbh. I should probably drink something though.
He's going to take the kids out on Friday so I can put the wedding stuff away and bag up his stuff.
This will get better right?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 27/07/2015 14:16

He's going to take the kids out on Friday so I can put the wedding stuff away and bag up his stuff.

Well for a start let him bag up his own stuff. If he is leaving then he has to sort himself out. Sure use the time to put the wedding stuff away, I can see why you would want to do that, but he needs to pack his own stuff.

This is the point where you stop doing anything for him, including facilitating his new life.

pocketsaviour · 27/07/2015 14:17

Yes it will get better, I know it's a cliché but time does heal and it won't always feel this raw.

Treat yourself very gently and kindly at the moment - sometimes there's an urge at times like this to almost punish ourselves; lots of negative self talk, not eating or eating crappy stuff, drinking too much (I did all of this when my ex left.)

If you can't face solid food try to have a little soup or smoothies or yoghurts - greek yoghurt has a good amount of protein and the Oykos ones with the fruit layer are amazing and I have eaten too many

What is the housing situation - do you own or rent? Whose name on deeds/tenancy?

homeaway · 27/07/2015 14:18

You poor thing. I think he needs to take kids out before then otherwise you will be in limbo. He can do his stuff , why should you ? Are you a list type of person ? In times of stress I tend to make lists of things that have to be done, so not sure if it would help you? When do you have to be in work ? Can you take a sick day to sort things out a bit ? You will need to make sure that he provides for the kids, you should seek some legal advice on how to move forward so that you have the information you need. Things will get better for you but you have to make sure you protect yourself and the kids .

homeaway · 27/07/2015 14:20

Ps try and have some toast or something.

CheersMedea · 27/07/2015 14:25

This is the point where you stop doing anything for him, including facilitating this new life.

Totally agree with Bogey.

Coooeee · 27/07/2015 14:33

It does get better - I'm 4 months in. It's not great, it's hard but I get glimpses of good bits. The first week is the hardest - all the unknowns. How do you feel about packing his stuff up? Do you think it might be therapeutic or does it fill you with dread? Do what you feel you need to do - there's no right or wrong. Is there anyone you can ask to deal with the wedding cancellation? I dealt with it all myself (my mother refused when I asked and then i felt I couldn't ask anyone else) it was hard but in a way glad I did it myself - has given my a bit of closure.... Not immediately but a few months on

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