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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Never thought Id be here - heartbroken

129 replies

OhHolyFuck · 27/07/2015 07:23

Last night DP told me he doesn't love me anymore and is leaving - we're due to get married in 6 weeks and Im 18 weeks pregnant with DC3. We've been together 7 years. I've spent the night at my best friends crying and on my way home now - tell me what to do? Tell me it gets easier or at least stops physically hurting? I love him but he doesn't want me, my narc mother is going to bloody love this. Im so so sad and lost, how do I stop myself begging him not to do it? I know I sound pathetic... I so wanted my children to have parents together though

OP posts:
britneyspearscatsuit · 27/07/2015 14:39

I'm so sorry OP. Was there signs this was coming? Any clues?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/07/2015 14:41

I found it really difficult to swallow stuff when I was in the first stages after exF left. I lived on sweet, very milky weak coffee and bananas for a while - kept me going but I lost 1.5st over 4weeks. In your condition, this wouldn't really be a good plan. :(

I found that soft, easy to swallow without chewing food, especially non-fatty food, was the easiest. Maybe smoothies would help you, or soups. Anything quick, easy and doesn't need chewing.

Original poster
OhHolyFuck · 27/07/2015 16:26

I've called tax credits, some of the wedding suppliers and told all my 'side' of the guest list.
I hate him for this. So utterly humiliating. And he doesn't give a damn, chilling on his mates sofa whilst I'm doing that and dealing with the kids.

OP posts:
homeaway · 27/07/2015 16:53

Well done, at least people are informed. If you can manage it call the rest of the suppliers so that is out of the way for you . He is showing you his true colors , which are not very complementary. Try to remember it is not you, it is him. Have you managed to eat anything yet ?

Coooeee · 27/07/2015 16:58

Oh you've done amazingly well..... Get that kettle on again now. How are you feeling now?

Granville72 · 27/07/2015 17:36

So this announcement has just come out of the blue from him?
No warnings or hints?
Any proper explanation from him as to how long he's felt like it?

Don't run around sorting everything out.

He packs his own stuff.
He deals with his side of the family & friends to cancel the wedding

Do not do it for him, don't let him hide. Its his mess as well so he helps sort it.

Now, what about you and the children? Are you staying in the house? Is it rented or bought?

notquitegrownup2 · 27/07/2015 17:45

You poor thing! How utterly utterly heartless of him to do this to you with no warning, rather than talking about it like a grown up. What a coward!

You will get through this (and I would bet that at some stage he will be crawling back realising that he has made the biggest mistake ever.)

Look after yourself - simple nutritious foods for you, and your little ones . A boiled egg and bread and butter is very easy to digest and good for you and your baby. Bread and honey are also very gentle - even just half a slice of bread 3 times a day. (Fish fingers and ketchup sandwiches saved my life, when I couldn't eat anything else!) Fish fingers and baked beans for the kids.

Thinking of you

Donthate · 27/07/2015 17:52

Don't tell his side of the guest list just sort yourself out and let him do it. If he doesn't they can all turn up and realise what an idiot he is.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 27/07/2015 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OhHolyFuck · 27/07/2015 19:06

I'm sorry, I've still not eaten, I can't. Even doing the kids tea made me sick. I have drunk some tonic water though so not going to keel over just yet
Took the kids to the park just for some fresh air and ds2 had an almighty paddy on the way back, lying down and refusing to move. I couldn't carry him all the way back without it killing me either (remainder of spd and ds2 is a chunk) and I just thought "I'd quite like to swan off too, announce I want out and not deal with any of the fallout"
Anyway back now and ds2 in bed, ds1 playing nicely with Lego - I'm so lonely already, he'd be home by now ordinarily and we'd be chatting, planning what to watch this evening, having dinner.

OP posts:
whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 27/07/2015 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 27/07/2015 21:18

Oh OP I'm so sorry. You were me 6 months ago. Just about to get married, one DC. I was left to cancel all the wedding plans, sort out house etc. and I'm sorry to say this but within a week of him leaving I found out there was someone else, but to this day he still hasn't admitted that it was going on while we were still together. And I don't think he ever will.

I posted on here in the first few weeks after our split, and many people told me it would get easier, the first weeks are the hardest etc. And I didn't believe it, I was so heartbroken and never felt so betrayed. But it does get better, yes I still have times I feel down, not because of him though, because of the family unit he broke up and what he has denied our DC. But then I realise our DC deserve so much better, to be part of a loving family and not some half hearted dad around.

Please PM me if you want to talk xx

Original poster
OhHolyFuck · 28/07/2015 08:35

Sorry, practically using this as an online diary atm - managed to get an hour or so of sleep last night and then had a few blissful seconds when i woke up before i remembered.
Sick of crying already, sick of repeating the 'story' to everyone, sick of feeling sick - my stomach just churns all day
Meeting a friend for coffee today but want to hibernate really, got to go out though can't keep the kids cooped up in my misery
Saw him last night, came to talk and then watch the kids whilst i work - amazing how a 7 year relationship condenses into such little to say to each other, like the ashes of a person being such a small amount after such life
I've been promised it gets easier and stops hurting, I just wish i knew when

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/07/2015 08:45

There is no set time line, some people will get over it quickly, other more slowly. I think having children delays the process for some, because you still have to see him, you see him in your children daily anyway, and you feel bad for them as much as for yourself. But for others, having children speeds it up because you are angry with him for hurting your children - so there are no rules on this.

But the initial shock and appallingness of the situation does start to wear off after the first few weeks - and then it settles down into a more dull ache. I was most astonished to discover that I had a pain in my heart area - actual heartache, I thought (possibly indigestion but who knows?). But I found that initially I couldn't cry much (you don't have this), then I cried loads, and slowly it faded down again. The oddest things would set me off though - really tiny things, sometimes. This is normal.

Just take it one day at a time; even one hour at a time. Glad you're seeing a friend today - please ask for any support that you need, I'm sure if she's a real friend she'll be glad to help in any way she can. ((((hugs))))

willthiseverbloodystop · 28/07/2015 08:51

In terms of will it get better, yes you know it will. My mum once told me, each day will be a little better than the previous. I m not sure that's strictly true, as it can be more bumpy than that, but the sentiment is right and I held onto it. You are at the bottom of a mountain but you re climbing up it. The hardest thing is realising that actually, it's just you , I will never fully be "in it" with anyone again, I think that's an important life lesson.

Minime85 · 28/07/2015 08:51

It takes a good little of time to not be so raw. I really found once I'd gone through the landmarks once it was much easier like birthday of dcs, Christmas, anniversaries etc. I only told people I could face telling. I e mailed others. I think it is in stages. I felt shame (when I had no reason to) but that passed.
9 months later I dipped my toe into on line dating as I felt ready to start thinking like that. I've always said I'll never get over what exh did to me. I'll never forgive him completely for break up of our family and for what dcs now have to do. My new dp knows this. I think that's ok. But two years on and I wouldn't change my life now.
It seems such a long way off but it will come. Keep a few close people around you. Eat at least something each day. You're doing well. Some days it is just enough to get through the day ????

Minime85 · 28/07/2015 08:53

Sorry the ?? Was flowers? Flowers x

Penfold007 · 28/07/2015 09:08

OP your doing great in horrible circumstances. Make sure he does as much parenting as you need along with his share of wedding cancellation and his own packing. Get straight into the CSM and get maintenance sorted. Be prepared for things to get worse, there had to be a,reason for his behaviour. Get as much RL support as possible.

Original poster
OhHolyFuck · 28/07/2015 10:34

I think I'm just in the 'how?' stage - how could he do this to me/the kids/so close to the wedding/when I'm pregnant/when we've spent so much money....etc
That's not the man I knew, the one who went on midnight walks with me, who held our tiny newborns, who promised me forever...

OP posts:
Vernazza · 28/07/2015 10:58

Hang in there OP. It's going to feel awful for a while but please know that you will get through this and the sun will shine again. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, do your utmost to look after your DC's and yourself - make sure you shower daily - it helps honestly. Go get your haircut, get your nails done, eat - as others had said, yogurt, soup, crackers and cheese - a bowl of nutritious cereal, toast.

I would be really careful with the caffeine right now - you are already in a state of anxiety and caffeine will increase that - so take it easy on the caffeine honey. Sending you big hugs. So sorry you are going through this but it will get better.

Vernazza · 28/07/2015 11:04

Also be prepared for lots of mood swings - up down and all around. One minute you'll hate him, the next you'll be bawling. Just know that you are not alone - so many of us on here have been through the same sort of heartache and know exactly what you are going through. You are in good company and in addition to any RL support you get, there's a wonderful group of people on here that will help you through. xx

Granville72 · 28/07/2015 15:04

Unless you eat you'll keep on feeling sick. Remember you are carrying a baby that is reliant on you to provide for it.

You'll end up in hospital at this rate and then you wont be there for your other two children either.

Please eat something, even if it's just some toast, or a banana

homeaway · 28/07/2015 19:21

Holy I am worried that you are going to become ill if you don't eat something , you must, even if it is a few bites. Granville is right.

Original poster
OhHolyFuck · 28/07/2015 19:31

I did try at dinner tonight, I snaffled a few of the kids chips (bad mother feeding her kids chippy, in fairness I had planned spaghetti carbonara but ds1 was in kids club til 6pm and starving when he got out and asked for it on the way home) but I could barely chew and then was retching/sick
I'll try and make it my mission for tomorrow, eat something and keep it down!

OP posts:
Original poster
OhHolyFuck · 28/07/2015 19:33

I feel weirdly ok right this second, busy as I've barely stopped all day and intent on cleaning every surface of the house but I've only cried once - I know it's likely to be a blip and tomorrow I'll be sobbing all day again but it's nice to have a tiny break from that...

OP posts:
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