Never thought Id be here - heartbroken

[OhHolyFuck]

Last night DP told me he doesn't love me anymore and is leaving - we're due to get married in 6 weeks and Im 18 weeks pregnant with DC3. We've been together 7 years. I've spent the night at my best friends crying and on my way home now - tell me what to do? Tell me it gets easier or at least stops physically hurting? I love him but he doesn't want me, my narc mother is going to bloody love this. Im so so sad and lost, how do I stop myself begging him not to do it? I know I sound pathetic... I so wanted my children to have parents together though

[RavioliOnToast]

chin up OP, it'll get easier, you won't know when but take things one day at a time and one day you'll just realise that today you feel okay, today isn't a bad day. have a rest tonight, try and get some sleep.

have you been eating any better?

[Dowser]

Words can't describe him op! What a crock he is.

Just a day at a time a moment at a time. Take as much help as is offered.

It does get less painful, especially when that anger kicks in!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

OHF - has he owned up to there being someone else yet? IME, when there is such a swift about-face concerning your relationship with him, it almost always is because he's met someone else and has switched off emotionally from the relationship with you, because he's moved all that emotion over to the new one.

When that happens, they like to re-write history for themselves, to reduce the guilty feelings - so they convince themselves that "it was never that good" or "I've been meaning to leave for ages" or "I didn't really love you in the first place" - none of which is likely to be absolutely true, but this stops them feeling guilty about letting you down. He'll probably ask you to admit that things weren't that good, that you must have known he wasn't happy and other such bollocks as well in the near future. You will remain utterly bewildered, because none of it is actually what happened - it's just how he's re-written it.

I hope you find out soon, because it does help with the anger! Gives you a focus for it, even if initially that focus is the OW, eventually you learn to point it where it belongs, at your H.

I'm so sorry he's fucking around with your working arrangements, that's ridiculous. BUt since he is, can you change your shifts? I know that means you'll have to pay for daycare, but you get some funding for that from the Govt, don't you?

I just want to reach out and hug you, because it is awful. It's heartwrenchingly appalling, especially in the middle of the night when you wake up suddenly.

When my sister's DH walked out on her, I told her she could phone me any time, day or night - she did once call me at 2am, and I talked to her until she felt better. Is there anyone who is a good enough friend who would do that for you? It does help, just knowing there is someone who you could phone if you needed to.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oops, forgot to add the other important bit - you've already said it, the man you loved has gone - yes. The man you thought you knew for 7 years is not the whole of the man.

Everyone in a relationship (well nearly everyone!) adapts their personality to the relationship, they downplay the sides that don't fit in, they emphasise the sides that do. When they're no longer in that relationship, they can appear to change, because suddenly all those aspects that were downplayed before, come to the fore. And that's because he no longer cares enough to hide them from you.

You'll probably find aspects of your personality re-assert themselves too once you "get over him" eventually; but it won't be so obvious to you as his "change" is.

[Minime85]

Hope u got through last night ok. Mew member you haven't lost him he has walked away. That's not your fault. I too suspect someone else so be ready for that. Most men don't leave a good home for no real reason.
I hope you manage to eat again today. Thinking of u

[OhHolyFuck]

For some reason today, a load of odd physical things have happened - I've been sick lots and had a nosebleed (never had one before, was an interesting experience!) so feel ill with it today tbh
Ate some sweet potato yesterday, trying for at least one thing a day and some high calorie drinks

I've thought about there being someone else, it would explain a lot and especially as he's so 'black and white' about things, it would make sense - the quickness of it all, the coldness, the inability to commit to future dates etc
The only thing I wouldn't know is where the hell he would have met her, if he wasn't at work (and there would have been no opportunity at work) then he was at home, very occasional nights out and with mutual friends who would have said something...

Thanks everyone for your support, I do read (and reread!) these messages and although I feel like I'm boring everyone with my drama, it really helps getting it all out and hearing back from people

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Online, maybe? :(

The odd physical things happening - that's probably due to your stress hormones. I had quite a lot of hair fall out (not in patches, just a lot came out) and developed spots over my lymph nodes under my chin, bloody weird, never had them there before (and I used to have quite a lot of spots as a teen).

Carry on posting as much or as little as you want and need to - if you look through, you'll see that many posters in your position have multiple threads because they find the support so helpful.

[juneau]

The only thing I wouldn't know is where the hell he would have met her

Online? That's where a huge number of affairs start these days.
Old friend via FB?
Gaming?
Or just trawling dating sites. Think of all those men who have profiles on OD sites when they're already in relationships. Talk to anyone who has done OD and its a huge issue. It would certainly explain why his behaviour has changed to suddenly and his mean personal attacks on you (which are standard form for a cheater).

Stay strong OP - you're doing so well. Could you switch back to working in the day to allow you to keep your job? Would work be sympathetic given what's happened? I think you should try and set your new life up to be as independent of your ex-P as possible, because whatever he agreed to before sadly no longer counts. Even if he's not with someone new he's unlikely to willingly sit in your house x nights per week just to help you out now you're no longer a couple. Besides, you might decide that you simply don't want him in your house any more after what he's done.

[OhHolyFuck]

I know his Facebook password and he used to leave it logged in so unlikely there I guess
Gaming is a possibility - he's a massive ps4/destiny player and used to spend hours on his headset talking to people but it was the same group and all men, he'd do it whilst I was in the room and I could see their gamer tags etc so I don't think so...but maybe I guess....

[Shakey1500]

Bloody hell you poor thing

Hang on to the thought that you've had a lucky escape NOT marrying a man you thought was with you and the kids together.

And I agree, make him pack up his own bloody stuff. You're not the hired help or responsible for HIS belongings. Also agree that you set your stall out straightaway with regards to childcare. It is NOT fair for you to have to give up your job/change your life to accommodate HIS decision. If it means dropping the children round to his house then so be it.

Has he got family?

[OhHolyFuck]

His parents have both passed away, his mum as a kid and his dad 2.5 years ago (my pop psychology would say something about undealt with grief and coping mechanisms), he has 2 sisters - one lives miles away and one fairly locally but he never sees either really unless it's an event

[OhHolyFuck]

He did come for/pack the rest of his stuff yesterday
He's staying with a friend atm so can't take the kids there

[OhHolyFuck]

No, I know the friend, it's a guy he's known since school (and his wife)
No, without giving away his job, there'd be no chance he'd met someone at work

[OhHolyFuck]

I've just got off the phone - booked at mediation appointment (21st August - first one they had!) so we can hammer things out and have someone not emotionally involved there too

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Any chance in the slightest that it could be an OM? (I know it's a bit "out there" but it wouldn't be the first time - I've been out with someone who, 2 GFs later, finally came out)

[Myturnnow4]

Hi OP I'm so sorry that I've just discovered your thread. I'm about 3 and a half weeks from the same bombshell being dropped in to my life. I've just read through your thread and so many things that you've said are feelings and thoughts I've had recently.

Perhaps we can support each other in some way? [Flowers]

[Twolefttoes]

I have been through this too and just wanted to say that the utter devastation does pass. It will get better. Take each day at a time and don't look too far ahead.

[Granville72]

Nosebleeds will be from high blood pressure, as will headaches, nausea and vomiting.

Take this warning from your body. You need to speak to your Midwife or GP and get checked out.

Remember it's not just you. You are pregnant and at this rate will risk losing the pregnancy or getting in to serious problems. You have other children as well. If you're in hospital then who is going to look after them? Hardly your ex by the sound of things.

[Homebird8]

Just wanted to say that you are being so collected in making arrangements when you are so devastated and pregnant too. Well done on managing to eat something.

Get the nosebleeds checked out with your midwife but it might just be one of those things. It was always the first sign of pregnancy for me and I have phenomenonly low blood pressure. Make sure you have enough to drink too. Little sips very regularly will make all the difference.

[OhHolyFuck]

He's took the kids out for a bit whilst i tidy up - keep finding bits of his stuff he missed or a cd of 'ours' or some other triggering thing
I hate this - he gets to move away scot free and Im living in a museum of our relationship where everything reminds me
God i wish i could get really pissed or take enough of something that i could forget

[Minime85]

For now just bag that all up. And either give it to him to deal with or put it in attic. In time it will be less painful to find these things. You are doing so well and have some lovely dcs to take care of. They will know who has stood by them and that they can rely on so don't doubt that about yourself now. You are drawing on some deep reserves of strength here. When you look back I promise you will think how did I get through that. And that bloody hell I did it and I'm better than him for that.

[Myturnnow4]

i wish i could get really pissed or take enough of something that i could forget

I know but I can absolutely promise you that it gets easier.

Now, are you eating and are you drinking plenty of water?

[OhHolyFuck]

I'm drinking diet coke/Pepsi max/tonic water - fizzy stuff helps that constant 'nervous' feeling in my stomach
Eating is a bit hit and miss, yesterday was the best day so far when I had a bag of crisps and a slice of cheesecake (healthy I know!) but I've got a curry in the oven for tonight so I'm going to really try my best to have (and keep down!) that

I know, I keep trying to just take half an hour at a time because if I think bigger than that, I can't breathe. So in the next 30 minutes, I'm going to nag the kids to finish their dinner, drink some more and watch pointless...baby steps