Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does being a SAHM cause problems?

113 replies

airhostess · 20/06/2015 21:52

Hi,
I'm lucky. I'm told " I'm lucky and I don't realise how lucky I am".
I look after our two children, home etc but I don't think I will ever have his respect until I earn my own money.
Anyone else in the same shoes?!

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 20/06/2015 22:03

An arsehole is an arsehole.
They disrespect you whether you are a SAHM, earn the same as them, or more.

I'm sure that any change in family dynamics including becoming a SAHM can be difficult to get used to.

But what was he like before? I've a strong suspicion you're going to say he had a line in disrespect then, too?

bigbumbrunette · 20/06/2015 22:06

I work 3 days a week so have a balance of work and life that I love. (Estranged)H thought I lead a charmed life until I left him to do 3 days of running around after the girls. He soon learnt it was a harder job than he realised.

HappyGirlNow · 20/06/2015 22:08

Not saying he's not an arsehole as I don't know the rest of your situation but you are lucky if you can concentrate on the house and kids without needing to work - most women need to do that plus work.

QuiteLikely5 · 20/06/2015 22:08

Only with some men. Have you tried leaving him to run the home and look after the children for a few days?

It sounds like he needs it.

He just resents handing his money over.

Skiptonlass · 20/06/2015 22:12

It causes problems if:

You are not respected for your contribution to the family/household
You are not on an equal legal footing (married or legally have everything nailed down)
You are denied equal access to assets.

All three of those are very big problems.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 20/06/2015 22:19

HappyGirrl does that mean she doesn't deserve respect from her husband?
I'm a SAHM. I sometimes struggle with the not earning money thing, but not because of anything DH has said/done/thought. He is just grateful that I am taking care of our home and our child to the best of my ability.

TheBookofRuth · 20/06/2015 22:22

Not for us. DH is happy for me to be at home, and often says how grateful he is for all the things I do.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 20/06/2015 22:24

The best way to get someone to appreciate what you do is to have them do it. Has he ever had to do what you do?

I have spent time at home with the dcs across two mat leaves. Ive also worked FT shiftwork with two dcs. I defy anyone to tell me that working is the harder option. Unless you are a brain surgeon.

Being the one who does all the childcare and all the housework is relentless, monotonous and leaves little to no time for a break. Especially when they are very little.

HappyGirlNow · 20/06/2015 22:27

grotbag this is why I said I dont know if he's an arsehole or not as this is quoted in isolation and we don't know the bigger picture. I didn't say OP doesn't deserve respect but as far as him telling her she's lucky.. Well she is if he facilitates her staying at home.. That's factual not belittling in itself.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 20/06/2015 22:32

Well I guess it's a matter of perception. My DH thinks he's lucky that I agreed to stay at home and look after his children. If I didn't do it we'd be no better off financially anyway as full time childcare for 2 in the area we live in would swallow my entire wage. Plus he would have to curtail his working away/long hours as he would have to do 50% of nursery drop offs/pick ups. Me being at him facilitates his career.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 20/06/2015 22:33

*being at home

Joysmum · 20/06/2015 22:36

you are lucky if you can concentrate on the house and kids without needing to work - most women need to do that plus work

A perfect example of the attitude I've experienced only from WOMEN, not from my husband or from other men. That's exactly what I've expressed on the current feminism thread.

Im fed up of coming up against women, but have never come up against this from a man.

I fail to see how me being a SAHM doesn't make my husband, myself and my child lucky. NOT JUST ME!

After all, financing, running a household and raising children is a joint responsibility isn't it?

If I'm doing all at home so DH can come home and not need to do anything, and can concentrate on his career without needing to get home for his daughter, is able to go away or work unpredictable hours without a second thought then he's benefitting his career and having more leisure time with his daughter.

She benefits from having me and having more of him too.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 20/06/2015 22:40

Joysmum said it better than me.
DH is lucky to have me at home as it means he can fully focus on his career.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 20/06/2015 22:41

I was an SAHM for ten years and my DH was never anything but respectful! We just saw it as a equal partnership and it suited us both at the time.

Canyouforgiveher · 20/06/2015 22:44

Well said Joysmum.

The poster could equally have said "he is lucky that he can concentrate on his work without worrying about the house and kids - most men need to do that plus work"

I would not stay at home if my husband was fond of telling me how lucky I was (if he said how lucky we are, fair enough). Maybe he'll be an arse even if you work but at least you'll have a job, earnings, a pension, a reason for him to pull his weight in the house/childrearing. And you won't have to hear how lucky you are that he is keeping you (because that is really what he is saying imo)

Pagwatch · 20/06/2015 22:45

"you are lucky if you can concentrate on the house and kids without needing to work - most women need to do that plus work"

No. A couple may consider themselves lucky if they can cope financially with one salary.
But being at home is not per se "lucky" - unless you have a career you can easily pick up again, a cv you keep ticking over, the provision of a pension and full financial protection in the event the relationship breaks down.

Or "not actually lucky but massively exposed" as it is often called.

Bellebella · 20/06/2015 22:47

Nope my oh would never say anything to me like that. I am a temp Sahm, just finished full time studying, I worked up to 6 months ago part time and planning to go back to work full time in a couple of months. He knows I do a good job at home with ds and ds is doing well at home with me. We also don't agree with full time childcare for our son so one of us is always at home with ds.

I would have a chat with your oh that his attitude annoys you.

Permanentlyexhausted · 20/06/2015 22:50

ThinkIve - I definitely found working to be the harder option and I'm not a brain surgeon. Everyone is different and will find different situations easier/harder or more/less tiring to manage than others. The pressures are different but they are still there

OP - You really need to sit down with your OH and revisit who does what in terms of earning and childcare until you come up with a solution that you are both happy with. So, for example, if he no longer wants to be the sole breadwinner in your family, you may need to work together to find a way for you to earn too and he will have to take on a greater share of the childcare and housework. Neither of you has rights or duties that trump the other person's.

Of course, he may just be an arsehole.

Canyouforgiveher · 20/06/2015 22:51

To answer the OP, I have several friends who are SAHMs who have really successful relationships with their partners/husbands. So no, being a SAHM doesn't automatially cause problems. But it can cause problems if the stay at home parent feels overlooked/resents being off the career path or if the other parent doesn't appreciate what the stay at home parent is doing (which sounds like what you are dealing with).

It can cause massive problems if the one staying home is effectively shafted financially which also happens. As Pagwatch says "massively exposed" is another word for lucky in this situation.

onereminder · 20/06/2015 23:18

This Mumsnet thread suggests the SAHM lifestyle isn't the drudgery hell that many like to make it out to be: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1671992-To-ask-what-SAHM-s-with-kids-at-school-do-with-their-days?pg=1

Certainly sounds a lot better than 12 hours out of the house grafting, day-in day-out...

Original poster
airhostess · 20/06/2015 23:20

Hi,
Thing is he's not an arsehole. I think he's fed up of being the sole breadwinner. He has an amazing job but as I don't work we don't have the disposable income that would be expected in his position or the flash car that I know he desperately wants. In fact he told me " he has fk all" during a heated arguement. We have a 4yr old and an 8mth old baby. He can be away for a min of 14 days to 20 each month and YES I do moan and YES I do say thank you for giving us a nice life etc etc.

I feel vulnerable if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 21/06/2015 00:26

I can understand someone feeling under pressure by being the sole breadwinner. I think the 2 of you need to sit down and discuss how you want your lives to work.

Realistically you have 2 children who effectively need 24 hour care. Maybe the 4 year old has nursery/school but the 8 month old needs someone to mind her 24/7 and the 4 year old needs care through all non school times which is the majority of times. If you use childcare so you can work then someone has to do drop offs/pick ups and cooking dinners/organizing the house has to happen too. If he is away 14-20 days each month then YOU will be doing all of that plus working.

he needs to understand that it isn't as simple as 'my wife goes back to work and I have more disposable cash and can drive a flash car". It might be "my wife goes back to work, we are both under a lot of pressure, a lot of money is spent on childcare".

No matter what, yes you are more vulnerable as a SAHP. You might want to think about this whole scenario from only your point of view - what works best for your life in the long term. I suspect up until now you have been looking at it from the point of view of your children.

By the way the flash car thing would drive me mad (just me I know). Research (in US) shows that the single biggest common denomonator for very wealthy non-flashy-wealthy people (as in those who earn it/save it and then live nice comfortable lives with lots of savings) is they drive old cars and don't care about flash ones :)

Failmum · 21/06/2015 00:44

I may get flamed for this but it's meant to help. I work ft and DH is sahd. His idea but Joint decision. My salary is our money, joint mortgage etc etc.
i know that I benefot and more importantly so does our son.

However, the pressure as the soul breadwinner is huge and I resent somedays how much time he has to spend with adds but probably more the control he has over his working day.

Failmum · 21/06/2015 00:45

DS not adds -!

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 21/06/2015 10:10

onereminder that's SAHM's with kids at school. Mine is 19 months with a newborn due in 2 weeks. No nursery, no family around to help.