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Relationships

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Original poster

Does being a SAHM cause problems?

113 replies

airhostess · 20/06/2015 21:52

Hi,
I'm lucky. I'm told " I'm lucky and I don't realise how lucky I am".
I look after our two children, home etc but I don't think I will ever have his respect until I earn my own money.
Anyone else in the same shoes?!

OP posts:

Kampeki · 21/06/2015 10:15

Unless both partners are equally convinced of the value/necessity of a sahp AND both partners are reasonably happy with their own particular role in the family, whether SAH or WOH,then I think it is likely to cause problems.

Athenaviolet · 21/06/2015 10:21

You are vulnerable!

The only men who think an 8mo and a 4yo are easy to look after are those that have never done it for any length of time.

Op how long has he ever had sole charge of them for?

Are you on mat leave? Is there any way you can get back to work in the foreseeable future?

Philoslothy · 21/06/2015 10:26

I do think that I am lucky to be at home with the children and not have to worry about work. DH often says that "we" are lucky that we can afford for one of us to be at home. He would never throw it out as an insult though or imply that I don't do enough.

MrsSchadenfreude · 21/06/2015 10:27

Are you married, or have you tied up everything financially, so that if he dies, you will be provided for? House in joint names? Your own personal pension, paid for from his salary if necessary? If the answer to these is no, you will be up shit creek without a paddle if he ups sticks and leaves you for someone else.

I wouldn't say that was very lucky.

Original poster

airhostess · 21/06/2015 10:29

He says that he finds it hard looking after them whilst I cook dinner. No he's never had both. There is no family help.
I love my life, however I've been made to feel very guilty almost. He's told me I need a job as I need more than just the kids and he will pay the increased child care costs.
I don't want to leave the boys but I feel like a leech spending 'his' money now. I don't have designer things and our biggest expense would be our Tesco shop £115 a week. I cook for the boys sometimes they get three cooked meals a day

OP posts:

answersonapostcardplease · 21/06/2015 10:31

My dhcan focus on work. He very rarley needs to take time off, worry about domestics of homelife. He has a meal on the table whrn he gets in. He may be in for a shock when I go back to work.

Original poster

airhostess · 21/06/2015 10:35

Not married, house not in my name, no personal pension. I think I'm next of kin in his pension for the boys. No will made

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 21/06/2015 10:37

My ex sounds similar to how your husband currently feels. Me and my ex separated, we had other issues as well but he tells people I was lazy, refused to get a job etc. I think he would have respected me more if I was working and bringing in money, he said all the things your oh has said. All I can say is if your marriage been good apart from this, then get a job.

He wants you to work, he wants extra income and even though you are happy with your lifestyle, he is not and the resentment will continue to build so to save your marriage, get a job. Simples, he be paying the extra childcare.

Rebecca2014 · 21/06/2015 10:40

Okay missed your last post.

You are in an awful situation. If you split you have no legal rights to the property you live in. You need get your name on the deeds, you need get yourself protected. It is fine being a sahm if you got a supportive partner but you are right on dangerous grounds and could lose everything. Surely you would want build your own career considering you are not even married so have no protection.

ltk · 21/06/2015 10:42

Well, being a sahm is causing you problems. It can work brilliantly but the wohp needs to respect and value the sahp. Your dh does not. He prefers money coming in and does not value the boys being with you rather than childcare. So the two of you have a fundamental disagreement.

If you agree to put the children in childcare and go back to work, he needs to agree that he does school pickups and 50 percent of housework, shopping and cooking. His career will need to bend to accomodate his dc and home. What will not work is, I want you to work plus do everything you do now. Which is what arseholes expect. So is he an arsehole?

MTWTFSS · 21/06/2015 10:46

If my DH told me "I'm lucky and I don't realise how lucky I am", I would there and then go on strike! I'd take care of the kids, but every other duty in the house, including cooking him dinner would stop immediately!

He'd then see who the lucky one is :)

ltk · 21/06/2015 10:47

Oh I just saw that you are not married. Get a job. You are legally single and need to support yourself and your children. Or have a career you can pick up at any time.

But the point about shared responsibility for the dc's and home remains. If he does not step up when you return to work, then this relationship is not a keeper.

mix56 · 21/06/2015 10:49

I can tell you that you are in a very vulnerable situation. Even if OH was happy, if at some time your relationship fails, you will be shafted, in every possible way.
SO, you agree with him, He will have to get more involved with the kids, (so he learns it is not always a walk in the park,) you look for part/full time work, & you shift the balance, you will be keep in a career path, he will have to learn the hard way. This is not necessarily a happy scenario !!!
He will have to pay the childcare. He still won't have his flash car, his hot dinner on the table, & a loving grateful SAHM to come home to, But you will be economically safe, (20 days a month is a lot of time alone to be distracted by other women)
plus the house must be half & half., or you get married.

Handywoman · 21/06/2015 10:50

I vote arsehole. He can't even cope with the dc while you cook dinner yet clearly does not respect you in your role of 24/7 childcare. You are poles apart. And how will he manage to work away when he needs to chip in with pick ups/drop offs? This is all wrong. You are utterly exposed and have a LOT to sort out. Sorry, OP. There is a reason you feel vulnerable.

MrsSchadenfreude · 21/06/2015 10:55

What Rebecca said. Did you never, at any point, think what a vulnerable position you were putting yourself in?

Philoslothy · 21/06/2015 11:01

I have my own pension that is still paid into. Our family home is in joint names. I have other properties just in my name. I have my own business interests. He has also fully supported his first wife that he had one child with and was with for a relatively short length of time. He has had six children with me and we have been together 20 years. I feel secure and lucky.

MrsSchadenfreude · 21/06/2015 11:07

Unfortunately the OP is not in a position to be as smug as you, Philoslothy.

But agree absolutely that that is the way to do it, and any woman who does it any other way, needs to remember that one cannot live on love alone, particularly when it all goes wrong.

MrsSchadenfreude · 21/06/2015 11:08

And the time to get the house in joint names, sort out a private pensiom etc etc is before you have children. Not after.

ltk · 21/06/2015 11:10

That's beautiful, Philoslothy. That is the way to do it. If you are not married, you need to be financially secure in yourself. Sadly the OP is not at the moment.

Suzietwo · 21/06/2015 11:12

She wouldn't be that shafted. There are claims she could make.

My bloke is a stay at home. We're not married. House and savings all in my name. 3 kids under 6. He has no career and no expectation of ever getting one. If he pushed me into marriage to revtify what he considered to be his vulnerability I would be hopping mad. There are other, better, and more honest ways of addressing the issues, if you are concerned by them.

Athenaviolet · 21/06/2015 11:14

Not married, house not in my name, no personal pension. I think I'm next of kin in his pension for the boys. No will made

OMG!!! Do you not realise how crazy this is?!?

You (and your kids) could be homeless in a hostel/ B&B at a moments notice!

This is such irresponsible parenting!

You need a secure place for them to live asap.

I'd be terrified for you if you were my friend.

Athenaviolet · 21/06/2015 11:16

Suzie - she has no rights whatsoever.

Stealthpolarbear · 21/06/2015 11:16

Does he thank you for your contribution to the family's nice life (as you say you do for him).
He inbu for wanting you to work but he is being unreasonable for treating you like this over a decision you presumably made together - if you didn't then that is a problem.
If you are "lucky" then so is he. But I don't think you are, and is be job hunting with a view to starting back when the baby's one.

Suzietwo · 21/06/2015 11:19

I'm a divorce lawyer and regularly successfully secure payments of thousands of pounds per month for people in her position plus housing, post separation.

elderflowerlemonade · 21/06/2015 11:20

Yes, if I'm honest, it does.

I experienced - how to put this - being manipulated out of a job - in 2011. It was extremely stressful - bullying really - and it took its toll on the whole family. DH and I almost split.

We wanted to try again but DH urged me NOT to work but be a SAHM.

I haven't really worked since; just bits of stuff. I do feel like I don't do much and everything involving children and home stuff falls to me, which is as it should be but it does mean I feel a bit 'drudge like'!

I also worry about what will happen when the children are older.

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