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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband with head in the sand and just won't accept anything I say about our problems

104 replies

Redredroses · 25/05/2015 21:23

What would you do if you became really unhappy in your marriage, you had lost all attraction to your dh and couldn't tolerate his control any more. You tried on a number of occasions over a few years to be really honest and tell your dh exactly how you felt and what issues there were but every time he just said it would be alright and that you should try and change the way you feel to like him, be attracted to him and try and be more tolerant of his behaviour????? He absolutely will not see or accept that there are any problems. Despite this he is also continuing to try initiating sex as though he has heard nothing I have said.

OP posts:

cheapskatemum · 25/05/2015 21:31

Could you go into a bit more detail about how/what he controls in your relationship? Is this the only issue, if not can you say what others there are? I feel I could probably answer your post more effectively if I knew a bit more, as I have had to tackle DH over his propensity to control certain areas of our life and given the chance, he takes evasive action rather than talk through difficulties.

UncertainSmile · 25/05/2015 21:33

Do you have kids?

TheVermiciousKnid · 25/05/2015 21:36

You sound very unhappy. You've tried talking to him numerous times over the years (years!). To be honest, I think there are only two options: you carry on as things are at the moment - he seems happy with that but you are likely to become more and more unhappy. Or you leave him! Personally, I would go for the second option. You deserve to be happy too. He is controlling and thinks he isn't doing anything wrong and that you're the one who needs to change to 'be more tolerant of his behaviour'.

To be honest, he sounds like an arse. I'd be out of there.

FlabulousChix · 25/05/2015 21:44

Can you sleep In separate rooms that might make him wake up and realise you are serious. By staying and allowing things to just continue nothing will ever change

Original poster

Redredroses · 25/05/2015 21:48

We don't have any children together.

He just seems to be in control of everything, what we do is all arranged by him, how everything is in the house, everything to do with the home, he often wants us to go away and he'll arrange hotels etc (I know this sounds ungrateful but often I just want to stay at home and see my family / friends), he asks me when I'll be cleaning, instructs me on things about my life and gives me lectures about all kinds of things (often I just drift off and think of other things). Oh, I feel like screaming just writing this. I often feel like I live in a guest house.
I think with the control (I'm quite a free spirit otherwise) I've lost so much attraction to him over the years and I just feel indifferent to him now. He just won't listen to what I say, sees nothing is wrong and just blames me for not feeling loving towards him.

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 25/05/2015 21:49

Leave.

If he won't listen to you, nothing change, and it makes you this unhappy, then leaving is your only remaining option.

You have tried all the other options: they haven't worked.

You can't go through the rest of your life feeling this unhappy.

Original poster

Redredroses · 25/05/2015 21:50

Yes, I can see that unless I do anything different then nothing will ever change. I did once say that perhaps we should separate and he said I was making no effort to love him and would be entirely responsible for breaking up our marriage.

OP posts:

Original poster

Redredroses · 25/05/2015 21:53

I've tried sleeping in the spare room occasionally and he just comes to find me and says he won't be able to go to sleep until I go back to our room.

I just want to escape as I don't know if I can live for the rest of my life like this. I can't see how someone can be so blind to the problems.

OP posts:

SouthWestmom · 25/05/2015 21:53

Yes I'm there. And I have children, debt, mortgages, am trapped. Get out now!

TheVermiciousKnid · 25/05/2015 22:00

Leave! It sounds awful. So what if he thinks that it's you who broke up the marriage? Who cares. You know what's really been going on.

Have you considered counselling? By yourself, I mean. I wouldn't recommend counselling together with him - though it doesn't sound like he would go for that anyways because of course he doesn't have a problem...

Seriously, get out. Life is too short.

GoatsDoRoam · 25/05/2015 22:02

He's blind and deaf to the problems you are telling him about because it suits him to ignore you. You are expressing yourself perfectly clearly: he just doesn't want to know.

I hope for your sake that you don't live the rest of your life like this. You know you want to escape this life: listen to your gut instincts!

What kind of RL support do you have?

Momagain1 · 25/05/2015 22:13

As opposed to him not only making no effort? You are supposed to just love him regardless of anything he says or does or has become? Besides, what kind of threat is that: if you break up our marriage, it will be your responsibility that our marriage broke up! Well, isnt he a genius? Except it wont be your responsibility, it will be your reward, I think.

You dont need his permission or approval to leave.

Are you so tightly controlled that you cant access your own bank accounts, etc? Do you need help escaping?

Anniegetyourgun · 25/05/2015 22:46

he said I was making no effort to love him and would be entirely responsible for breaking up our marriage.

So? Ending a marriage isn't a crime. It's a perfectly legitimate course of action with a lot less excuse or none.

And love shouldn't need to be an effort.

Twinklestein · 25/05/2015 22:58

What you're describing is emotional abuse OP. Commonly called 'coercive control'.

You need to get out of this misery while you have no kids. Please don't get pregnant.

It's not so much that he does not listen it's simply that he does not care. Your words, your unhappiness mean nothing to him. This is how he wants the relationship to be. As long as he has you to control he is ok.

So what if he blames you for breaking up the marriage? Why does that matter? He's the one who has destroyed the relationship. He can think what he likes as long as you are free.

If you feel you need help getting out then call Women's Aid.

Original poster

Redredroses · 25/05/2015 23:00

Financially I would have the means to leave as fortunately I've got my own money.
I feel really awful and ungrateful because we've got a really good lifestyle and I've done a lot with him but a lot of it is what he's wanted me to do, quite often as a surprise activity so I've not always had a choice what I do. I find that hard to explain to people. I wish he'd stop arranging everything for me.
It seems like he thinks because we're married that's it and I must stay and he's tried to mould me into the person he wants me to be. He's told me our marriage vows were meant for life but they feel like a life sentence now. I feel suffocated. I think I have to get out before I completely lose my sense of self.
I think counselling might help me.
I have a friend I talked to, she said she'd go round the bend with him and she can see he's restrictive.

OP posts:

DorisLessingsCat · 26/05/2015 09:13

You are absolutely doing the right thing. This is NOT a normal relationship. I'm glad you have been honest with your friend, you should be completely honest with your friends and family about why your marriage has broken down.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2015 09:19

He knows that you are feeling hurt; he does not care that you are feeling hurt. Such men as well take no responsibility for their actions here nor apologise for same.

You are living with a controlling man and such behaviour is abusive behaviour. Read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft; he is in those pages.

The only realistic option for you going forward is to leave. The lifestyle may be good but he really has you in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making. When you married him he simply further saw you as his possession. Staying within this any longer will destroy you emotionally and you will really lose all sense of self.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/05/2015 09:49

Marriage vows are meant for life. Sadly it doesn't always work out that way. It's a contract between two people, both of whom need to fulfill their part for it to work, and like any contract, it can be dissolved. It is not a licence for one party to bully the other. If having a good lifestyle means he's spent money on you, that doesn't mean he's bought you. Slavery is illegal in this century you know!

He won't see your point of view because there's no advantage to him in seeing it. You won't get him to agree that this isn't working out for you as long as it's working out for him. Fortunately you don't need his agreement to end this. You just need the means, which you have, and the determination, which you are currently mustering.

Quitelikely · 26/05/2015 10:02

He is dismissive because he is liking the way things are. He's in total control of everything. The way he likes it.

You have given him lots of opportunities to sort things out and he hasn't because he does not want to accommodate your feelings or wishes.

I'm pleased you are financially secure.

That means there is no physical reason blocking your exit only emotions.

Take control of your emotions and walk out of this marriage..........

goodcompany2 · 26/05/2015 16:26

I might suggest that you take control in the small things first. Sleep in a separate room but stay there all night, fit lock if u need the privacy too. Arrange a weekend break away for the two of you then go on your own should he choose not to join you. If your marriage is worth saving, and it may well be, it will take time to relearn the habits and power balance that currently exists and to which you have contributed to. Try some baby steps in taking control off your happiness and life, he may surprise u, if not, at at least you can say you tried.

Independent counselling sounds a positive move too, tell him you're going and he's welcome to come but that the purpose of counselling is for your own happiness. That way you have taken ownership of it but there's room for him too should he wish to be involved.

trackrBird · 26/05/2015 16:53

What would I do? I would get the heck away; and that's what you need to do, ultimately. Otherwise, you will emotionally wither away.

Your husband thinks you are a pet; or worse, a kind of lifestyle accessory. Your task is to play whatever role he's assigned to you, and respond to him as he instructs ('try and change the way you feel'...'Try to be attracted to him'). Feelings can't be willed into life! It all sounds like the plot of a bad movie.

Except it's not, it's your life - and despite your best efforts, he refuses to hear your complaints. I think that's because he doesn't see you as a real person, with feelings of your own.

I agree with the idea that you start with small steps. Look around for potential alternative accommodation, perhaps, to set the wheels in motion.

Jan45 · 26/05/2015 16:56

Don't kid yourself, the way he is treating you is not good, he doesn't care enough to even try and fix the problems, just blames you all the time, and yes, he is a control freak, where is the love - seriously if he won't listen or agree to any changes, just leave, it will be a lot easier than carrying on.

flora717 · 26/05/2015 17:04

Leave. He cannot / will not see he has any responsibility to working on this relationship. Blame in a divorce is a red herring. The relationship is not working. Take action. That action wont be improving it as you've already tried that. He might see this as your first plan. But the reality he's avoiding is he's failed to engage with working on this together. There are no options because of that. He's already checked out of these vows "for life" by failing to honour / respect you and the person you are.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/05/2015 17:13

It's so depressingly like Stepford Wives, isn't it? (I know I've harked back to that story a couple of times.) He doesn't seem to care about you as a person, only as the appearance of a person. If you were replaced tomorrow by an android programmed to please him he'd think it an improvement. You're not a human being; you're "a wife". He's got this idea in his head of what functionality a wife is supposed to perform and if you aren't fitting in you must need reprogramming. Dear old Lundy Bancroft had this nailed, as so often.

MakeItACider · 26/05/2015 17:15

Have you ever tried NOT doing what he's arranged? Just say 'No, I'm not happy to do that, I'm staying home?' and then DO it?

What are the repercussions when you try to do what you want to do?

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